Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

I love overheard in nyc!

I'd never heard of it before, it's interesting reading!

Ugh. I miss my T. If she weren't on vacation we would be in session right now!

Ugh. I texted T. She probably rolled her eyes if she saw my text. I told her we would be in session right now if she wasn't on vacation. I told her that I miss her a little. (I miss her more than a little but I wasn't going to admit that.) I told her I am having lots of self harm thoughts but no actions. And I told her it is National Pet Day so if she is still home to love on her dog, Daisy, extra and do whatever it is she does to love on her birds extra. Then I told her to have a safe trip. She's probably like....this girl. Glad to be rid of her for two weeks. I hate feeling needy. I wonder what that says about me?

Thanks, Artie! I just submitted my second assignment this morning. It's 8 modules over 6 months, and I can sort of space them out however I want. The last one is a longer submission, so she suggested allowing more time for that. Though my other submissions have been pretty long--I'm wondering if she'll allow me to do more than 4,000 words for the final one?

She gave me lots of feedback on my first submission (my first meeting with Dr. T), most of it really positive, which was encouraging.

I'm unsure about what I sent today. We were supposed to write about the same incident from how we remembered it and also how another person involved likely remembered it/how it really happened. I wrote about the rupture phone call with ex-MC.

It was interesting--I thought I'd be emotional writing it (over the past week or so), but I've felt sort of detached? (Even though I read back old postings on here, emails/texts I'd sent, etc.) I told Dr. T that yesterday, and he's seeing it as a positive thing--well, for me as a person! Maybe less so for the writing. But I agree with him. Is it possible I've mostly moved past it? The rupture was December 2017.

I hope you enjoy your course!

Hugs to you, Kit.

Ugh. T responded. But it didn't make me feel better at all. Nothing at all about how I am doing or anything. Now I REALLY wish I hadn't reached out. Ugh. So not doing good. Maybe I should go to the crisis center tonight. But what a pain. I don't want to get stuck there and miss work tomorrow.

She said

Thank you.

I fly out early tomorrow morning.

Yes, all the pets have gotten extra attention and treats.

I think that is great, LT! How would you say overall in the past 6 months or so, what has the intensity been like for feelings about Ex-MC? If they’ve been decreasing, then this is awesome! If you were panicking/really upset about it all a week ago, I would wonder if it is your body shutting down and not allowing you access to the painful parts of the memory?

The only reason I ask is because I am pretty sure that is what happened to me recently. I’ve posted that I lost my position (that i’ve had for 12 years) suddenly last week, because they don’t trust that I won’t be at 100% by the time I have to go back. They offered me another position, but it is front desk duty. A complete change.

Unless I wanted to be out of a job, I had to take this other position. I am devastated. I cried all weekend long. I would think about something cute one of my kids did, and I lost it. Also, I guess that is it? I don’t get to say goodbye to my co-workers? Or kids? Or parents? It would be different if I was only there for a short time, but 12 years! Ugh.

But then I woke up Monday and it was like
my brain and body just shut down. I haven’t been thinking about it much, and when I do, I just sort of brush it off. My theory is that my brain/body was entirely too overwhelmed and shoved it down deep. It has been a relief. I have been extremely exhausted and sleep a lot, but I am fine with that.

The problem is, is that I know these feelings aren’t gone forever. I start next wednesday at the new position. Just writing that makes my heart race!

Well that was a VERY lengthy way to ask you if you think anything similar has happened?

Kit- I can see how you might be disappointed in her reply. Since she is on vacation, maybe she wrote to you in a hurry, or did not want to go down the “therapy” road over text message by getting into your problems. I don’t know. I don’t see it as a “bad” text in any way, but I understand where you are coming from.

Yeah, it's not necessarily a bad text. It just didn't address anything that would actually help me in the present. And she said before she wants to know when I am struggling with SH but she didn't say, but not when I am on vacation. Bleh. Whatever.

The text feels like to me that she is in vacation mode, even though she is still in town until tomorrow morning. She obviously didn't see clients today for a reason, or maybe even yesterday.

It's just hard at the moment because all of my support people are going through really big stuff so I don't really feel like I can go to them with SH or SI stuff because they have their own stuff that is big and traumatic going on.

I texted T back. I told her:

Alright. I wasn't totally honest. I miss you quite a bit. Bit more of a struggle to reach out to my supportive people because everyone is going through something big right now. They don't necessarily need me and my stuff presently. I may journal which I am not big on but maybe it will help. Church tomorrow. Spiritual Direction on Saturday. ER if needed. Plan done.

_________________

Maybe she didn't realize I was looking for one more connection with her before she flies out.

And sure, she doesn't have to offer it. She's on vacation. Whether in town or not in town. But I really didn't want to bother her once she wasn't in town. (She had originally told me her vacation was 4/12-4/26 but then she wasn't scheduling this week. So I already had an inkling that she wouldn't be out of town until 4/12. I knew she was going out of state because she told me.)

So now the long wait until our session next week on the 19th. I won't reach out to her unless I go to the ER or get sent to the hospital or something before then. Let her have her time and relax.

But yes, I am disappointed in her answer. Maybe because we haven't really worked on interventions for SH yet and interventions for SI.

HUGS Kit

Good point, Velcro.

I can appreciate why it'd be less than satisfying for you, Kit.
Reaching out for connection and support but not receiving it is gutting.
My most recent email from R was a little more practical than usual...but I just figured I'd caught her at an inconvenient moment.

Might there be a scripture or a devotional you can read to help you through this time?

HUGS

Lost

Thanks Lost.

I had a quiet time this morning and I'll have another one tonight where I read Scripture. Also a friend just sent me a book that is I guess a Christian book. TBH I haven't really looked at it. So maybe there is something in there that is uplifting and encouraging. If my mission trip hadn't fallen through I would have been in Peru at the end of the month for 11 days. Too bad. I'm trying to give myself things to look forward to. Things to be happy about. But I am struggling with my mood for sure. I see Pdoc on the same day as T. Right before actually. Maybe he wants to tweak the meds. It shouldn't be this difficult but it is.

In between posts on here, I did reach out to two leaders in my Church via text and asked them to pray for me for the SI feelings. If those would go away I could probably handle the SH feelings. But both together are a lot to deal with.

I'm also working on budgeting for Christmas. I am such an accountant. I love doing and redoing budgets. I think I can get by with another $1500 for Christmas presents this year with what I have already spent. (I shop year round.) So that should be doable. Tomorrow if things are slow at work, which they probably will be, I will redo the budget to include these expenses throughout the year to correspond with my larger paychecks. We have a 12 day paycheck coming up the first part of June so that will definitely help towards Christmas. If I can do some things like this to keep myself busy and occupied, I can survive this. I can get through til the next day and the next day and the next day.

I'm off of work in a few and I plan to go home and get my dog Zoey and chill and hopefully she will take her afternoon nap on me. If I get ambitious I will take a shower. If not, it can wait until tomorrow. Sometimes I gotta plan out my days like that. Just each little thing.

Thanks for caring my friend.

HUGS Kit

Hugs, Kit. One of my first big conflicts with Dr. T came when I told him (via email, the day before he left) that I'd miss him when he was on vacation. And that I struggled not knowing where he was going. He wrote back this cheery reply, like, "That's kind of you to say you'll miss me. And yep, that's just one of my boundaries that keeps my life and work separate!" and to "Have a fabulous week!" Which also felt like he was in vacation mode and wasn't being at all empathetic to my struggles of him being away (I think this was like 4 months into seeing him maybe?)

He said when we talked about it that he was puzzled that I'd miss him, as he didn't think I'd been seeing him for that long. Now he does get how much of a struggle it is for me when he's away, but it's taken lots of talking about it to get him to understand.

So I think T's can be bad at handling that sort of communication when they're in some sort of vacation mode. He also allows me to contact him via email while he's away (replying in the mornings), and we've had a few misunderstandings in those emails, too. I think it's just something about what sort of headspace they're in, nothing to do with you. It could be a good discussion for when she's back, how you struggle when she's away (or any T you're seeing is away), coping mechanisms, whether there's someone you can see as a backup, etc.

Also, because you told your T you were handling the SH thoughts, maybe she felt she didn't have to reply to that part? (I could see my T saying that.) Though it would have been nice if she'd at least acknowledged it. I've learned that if I want a particular thing from my T, it's best to ask for it. Like, "I know you're about to head out of town, but it would help if I could feel a bit more connected before you leave" or "If you could give me some support about the SH thoughts, it would help."

I'd be prepared for her to not say much in response to your reply, just because she might be in the mode to be leaving. Or that it might take her a day or two. Or she might just say "Take care" or something.

Hugs, Velcro. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Hugs, if wanted. It makes sense that your brain and body would shut down as a form of protection. Or maybe just sheer exhaustion.

I can react that way at times to things, like be very upset, then suddenly, "This is fine. I'm OK." Like after a breakup or some other sort of loss. But then later the feelings come back.

I don't think that's what's happening in this case, though it's good you asked about it. Because I wouldn't want to think, "OK, I'm good, I'm fine," then totally fall apart about it at some random time. Or just be pushing those feelings away instead of dealing with them.

The last time I felt something strong about ex-MC was when I saw that backup backup T in January in the same building as his office. That hit me rather unexpectedly. As I thought I was mostly past it. When instead, I was having a panic attack and feeling sick in the office of this woman I'd just met.

Hm, I do wonder how it will feel to get critique from my instructor about this work. If that might affect me. Guess I'll find out later this week...

Is it tomorrow that you start the new position or next Wednesday? Is it in the same building as where you worked with the kids? If so, I could see that being extra difficult. But I'm sure either way it's going to be really painful.

Is there some way you could visit with them, I wonder? Once you're recovering more, but maybe not ready to go back to work? That could be something to look forward to, maybe.

Oh and have you gotten any news about the MRI, what it showed?

I know my brain goes into emotional shutdown mode when I can't deal with things anymore. Going through that now with the confluence of dietitian, body image issues and adoption issues. I'm trying to talk about the shutdown mode in therapy but I'm so shutdown, I'm having trouble even doing that. I know the feelings are there and I'm going to have to face them at some point, but not right now. The problem is that I feel like I've been operating in emotional shutdown mode for a big chunk of my life and I want to not do that.

You can get through this velcro. Are you not allowed to go visit the daycare? Are you still seeing your therapist?

If you're into the NYT Spelling Bee, which I know some of you were at one point, they've introduced a new helper tool that's in beta right now.

Introducing Spelling Bee Buddy: Your Personalized Daily Bee Helper - The New York Times

I am glad you don't think it is related to being shut down-because it is hard to get out. At least for me, it is. I would LOVE to visit the kids and say goodbye to everyone, but I am slightly scared of my boss. I have had no contact from her since I left at the beginning of March. Usually when employees leave (especially long-term employees), they throw a little goodbye party. Now, I am not expecting that, but I just wish I would be invited to come say goodbye. I don't want to just walk in and be like "Heyyyy!" when my boss is very angry with me.

No, it is in a completely different location/building. It definitely would be harder if it was in the same building--but then I most likely would at least see them. My position starts next Wednesday. So I will at least have a therapy session before I go. I doubt next week before Wed, but I will have one this Friday.

I did get the results from the MRI. I viewed it, and while I understood very little, I got the impression that they found some swelling in both feet, a tear in my right one, and then they end it with "Nothing points to plantar fasciitis" AWESOME.
I see the doctor on Friday to discuss all of this.

NP, I totally get it. I also have operated in shut down most of my life as well. I have gotten slightly better, but really it was when I lost my cat of 14 years that kind of broke me open. That, and more willingness to dive deeper in my past, and not live in denial.

Velcro
Have you been evaluated for orthotics? Just a thougnt,...

Hugs, Velcro. That's weird you haven't heard anything from your boss--I assume you had a good working relationship before this? And I do understand your concerns about going back to visit, without any contact with her. I suppose you could try reaching out at some point, maybe once you do know what's going on with your feet?

That sucks about the MRI. A tear doesn't sound good. Sounds like they were wrong about the plantar fasciitis then? I hope the doctor can give you some answers on Friday so that you can stop being in pain.

I have not. Maybe that is something he will suggest? I don’t know.
Yeah, we had a good relationship until my feet pain started disrupting my work schedule. I totally understand. We are so understaffed, and I have a feeling it was probably a nightmare to try and staff. But to get kicked out of my job like this hurts. A lot.

I guess the tear is on the outside of my right foot, where I have no pain. Unless my doctor (GP) read the MRI wrong. I will find out more on Friday.

Ugghhh.

One of my favorite bands, The National, just released a new song from their upcoming album. It's really beautiful (has Phoebe Bridgers singing with him) and supposed to be about depression so thought I'd share in case anyone is interested.



ETA: Just don't send your T emails about loving them after listening to it--I'm not sure if I ever shared the band, but it was after a National concert that I sent that fateful email to ex-MC. What's kinda funny is, the first time I shared love feelings (like 4 years ago, when it went fine!) with Dr. T was when I was going to a National concert that evening.

Thanks for sharing, LT.

I feel like there's a significant overlap between some of our music tastes.
I have only recently discovered Phoebe Bridgers, but I like what I've heard so far.
I'd be interested in checking out some more music by The National.

Thanks for sharing that, LT. I listened to it and to me he sounds kinda like Julian Lennon, I like his voice. The video gets a little trippy near the end huh.

I think I'm finally learning to live with my mind, even the parts of it that are not my friend...

Woop! I might have to leave the house in October! Fran Leibowitz is coming to town!

Waiting at the eye dr's.

I'm leaving the house tomorrow for 2 whole days! Heading up to Globe again to go hiking. We're going to try to make it all the way to the top of the hill this time where the views are supposed to be fabulous. I'm hearing that the wildflowers are beautiful right now but it's starting to warm up big time, so they may not be around much longer this spring.