Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

Hugs if wanted, NP. I understand the desire to run away. I'm not sure what time your session is (might already be going on), but maybe it would make sense to do that from the car, if your T would be willing to have you come inside if you change your mind? I hope talking helps. And nothing wrong with going back on medication.

Hugs, NP. I'm sorry some what sounds like difficult stuff came up. I think what LT said makes perfect sense - that if you're there in the car you can go inside if you change your mind. I hope it goes well however you decide.

Well I ended up changing the dentist appointment to tomorrow, to get it over with sooner, and so H can go with me (he's heading out of town Friday morning for a long weekend with his lifelong group of friends so couldn't go with me on Friday). I have a 4 hour training in the morning, then my boss is letting me use PTO for the rest of the day to get this done.

I'm such a big baby with this dental stuff. 8 years ago or whenever it was that I got a crown the last time, he sat there at the end of the chair and held/rubbed my feet the whole time. See, this is why I stay with him. He does wonderful stuff like that when I need him. And he said he'll do the same again tomorrow. I shouldn't be so scared now that I know he's coming with me. But I am still very nervous!

I did drive down there and he called me. He said he was worried he was losing me and I told him that was a valid concern right now, but that I have not given up completely and told him where I was and that this was my way of running away lite but still leaving the door open a little. He asked if I wanted to come up but I said not yet so we talked for a bit more about what was going on for me and between us. I did decide to go up after about 20 minutes. I think I made the right decision today.

What started this shame spiral was me talking about badly needing a hug in our Friday session. I didn't expect him to offer and I wasn't asking, but I guess it still hurt that he didn't offer. I told him I had considered paying somebody to give me a hug. I just felt so ashamed that I needed a hug and no one wanted to hug me. I ended up sending him an email after session about me feeling lost and wondering if we should take a break while I figure some stuff out. He responded and it was fine, but then Monday he says something about me not wanting him to be my therapist and not wanting to give up my fantasy that he could be more in my life and I just completely shut down. He wanted to know if these feelings were interfering with me being able to be connected with him and making me want to run away. He's likely correct. I just wasn't ready to confront all this stuff so openly like that. I sent him another email after that session telling him how humiliated I was feeling and brought up the hug conversation again and told him that a hug from him would feel meaningful in a way that it wouldn't from someone else. I said I don't know why this feels so shameful to me. I also said I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. He responded a few hours later with some spot on comments about why having to do with how my ex would treat me. This is what led to today's situation.

It was a year ago today that I tested negative for COVID, maybe it is finally time to update my signature.

That's really sweet of your H--I'm glad he's able to go with you. And I'm a big baby about dental stuff, too--you're stronger than I am, as you're actually going and getting things done!

Hugs, if wanted. That's a lot in the past week--I understand how the shame spiral would develop from that.

I'm glad it worked out to meet with him partly in person. Did you feel any better, at least about the relationship with him, after the session? I imagine it may take some time to feel safer with him again. (I know that's how it works for me anyway after shame and/or abandonment feelings are triggered.)

*curls up on Couch, whimpers*

I'm having one of those days where I feel like a walking content warning.

'I don't have much knowledge yet in grief, so this massive darkness makes me small...'

Hugs, Lost...

Thanks, LT.

I feel blindsided by this, even though I know it can't be helped.

hugs, Lost.

I'm back from the dreaded dentist appt, H said it took a lot longer than he was expecting it to. Apparently this dentist I go to is very thorough compared to where H goes. I was extra glad he came with me though, as after the dentist started he found that i had a cavity under the gum line in the same tooth. so he had to take care of that too. I had to raise my hand one time and ask for more novocaine or whatever they use. So the entire right side of my face is numb - number now than it was when he was working in there haha. I'm glad that's over with. I go back in 2 weeks for the permanent crown.

I'm sorry you're going through this, Artie.
I hope the next appointment fixes the issue for you, and that the numbness and pain don't hang around too long.

Hugs, Artie. Sorry about there also being a cavity. I hope you aren't in pain when the numbness wears off. And I guess it's good you didn't keep the appointment for before you were seeing L!

Being unemployed is horrible. The amount of panic attacks I’ve had this week is ridiculous. I spent all morning yesterday to fill out the umeployment stuff online. I literally tried TEN times before I gave up. Then I go to their offices and even though i told them i was having problems online, i had to try it again while someone looked on. A minute later when an error pop up. So they bring me to a phone with lots of fun instructions to go through. This time I waited 6 times until I gave up. Each time I told her what happened: At some point during the call, the very cheery automated voice would say: Thank you. Goodbye. And hang up. This happened at any point in all of this. Each time it happened, I would bring this person over and tell her what happened. She always looked vaguely confused and eventually gives me a piece of paper with said instructions to try at home. SERIOUSLY?!

Many panic attacks that day. Today I did the insurance form online. Good thing my dad was available, because of left by my own choices, I would not even be qualified. I still sobbed after, because there is still so much to do. Rent is due in 5 days, and until yesterday when some friends who pitched in, I can afford my rent for may.

But WOULD I make it through may with all my bills. If I calculated correctly. it is a little over $200. Cue: Panic Attack. I can’t do anymore today. Both of my therapists were close to calling 911 on me, but I was safe for the night.

I feel so far over my head on this. Not to mention I don’t know what my T’s are going to do. I don’t know how longs this takes. And it is crucial bc I have a very important doctor appt on the 8th

Hugs, Velcro. I'm so sorry that the technical issues are making your struggles even more difficult. I'm glad your dad was able to help with the insurance form. Is he able to help you with money at all, even if it's in the form of a loan you'll have to pay back?


Also if you're concerned about being able to afford your therapy, I'd ask your T's about a temporary fee decrease if it's not covered by your insurance. My T told me that he had a client that he charged only $5 a session for a bit when he was struggling financially. So they'll often make accommodations for a client who's having trouble paying.

Thanks LT-

It has gotten much worse. I found out that takes up to 45 days to make. decision, so i don’t see that’s going to help seeing my doctor on the 8th. Or any more I need.

What really will be have an accomplish in a month so i can pay rent, bills, taking care of my cats, and whatever may happen.

It won’t be enough. I will have to move back to NY to live with my dad. He’s awesome, so it’s not that. How on earth will my cats deal with all of this? The moving in and out to pack up, the really long 8.5 drive, somehow how to deal with a small dog who only loves my dad. They’ll have to stay in a small room w me for a few/however many days until we can try to introduce them. My one cat absolutely needs her own space from the other two. Where would she go?

I am so so beyond devastated

hugs velcro. i'm so sorry all of this is happening.

I'm so sorry Velcro. I can see how this is a frightening time in so many ways. Let yourself feel the feelings but also continue to move forward. You are strong and you can do this. You have already started to plan ahead. I know this is hard to believe right now, but you will get through this. You are very lucky to have a great father to lean on. I know you are worried about all the animals but they will adapt as well, you know there will be an adjustment period but they will have you and they will be okay. Make a list of options and what needs to be done for you and your pets. Remember to breathe. Just take it one step at a time.

I can't say I know exactly how you feel because I have never been in your exact situation but I know the fear that I would feel if it happened to me. I also know from my own experience how even when things feel like they couldn't get any worse, sometimes things happen for a reason and bad things turn into blessings. I live alone with no family to rely on. 5 years ago I was in a very bad car accident with a broken neck among other things. It was discovered during the scans for the accident that I had a spot on my lung. This was not serious at the time but something that needed to be monitored with yearly scans. A couple years later I was diagnosed with colon cancer. I'm thinking can things get any worse. They saw the spot on my lung and thought the cancer had spread which would have pushed me to stage 3, but the good news came from the accident. Because they had previous scans, they realized the spot was not growing and was not from the cancer which put me down to stage 2 and drastically changed my treatment plan and survival rate. I guess what I am saying is if someone would have told me at the time of the accident that it would actually be a blessing down the road, I would have said they were crazy.

It certainly won't be easy but try to keep the faith and continue to look forward.

I saw this in today’s New York Times and thought it might speak to some of you:

How Leaning Into Negative Emotions Can Help Your Mental Health - The New York Times

Thanks, @@.

I am one of those people.
Today's going to have to be a slow day over here.

I couldn't read the article because it's behind a paywall so this might have been discussed, but what about those feelings which are unkind towards others and are typically understood to make one an unpleasant person?

It seems like there are "acceptable" negative feelings (especially the kind where we judge ourselves and beat up ourselves) which we encourage people to feel and accept in order that they don't get repressed and start to rot in ourselves. But then there are those distasteful negative feelings which it doesn't seem so acceptable to encourage.

For example, I feel a considerable amount of hostility, disgust and judgement towards others. Feeling positive or even neutral about that way of feeling doesn't naturally seem like something to encourage - for myself or for society generally. I see it as a problem which I am trying to regulate. How does this fit? That my feelings of disgust etc are cover feelings and that the underlying feelings (such as fear or vulnerability) are the ones to accept? But then I am accepting some feelings but not others. Or is regulation a kind of neutrality?

Rhetorical questions in part, but I find these kinds of things confusing and how to navigate the concepts (nevermind the feelings) doesn't seem obvious to me.

Hugs. I'm so sorry.

Is the decision about the insurance (or Medicaid?) or your unemployment? If it takes up to 45 days, maybe it will be sooner? And it may be effective as of the day you applied, so you'd get benefits going back to then (I know that's how disability works, from my aunt's experience).

Is there anyone you can borrow some money from until the decision comes through? Or could you put things on your or someone else's (like your dad) credit card? And I'd still plan to see your doctor--you may be able to negotiate a reduced rate for the appointment if you're uninsured. Or if it's a case where you're waiting for a decision, it would probably cover back to when you applied (if that makes sense). And can you possibly talk to your landlord, see if rent can be at all deferred for a month or two? Assuming you've been living there for some time.

You can get through this. Your cats can get through this. I'm very sorry you have to deal with it.

ETA: Also, could you find some sort of temporary job you could do from home on your own time? Like contract work? There are so many places offering remote work since the pandemic. The site FlexJobs is all remote work, for example.

ETA part 2: I know I'm offering practical advice when you may not be ready for that. If this was going on for me, I'm sure I'm have a very similar reaction to you, feeling stuck and hopeless. So I very much empathize.

HUGS Lost