Couch 243: Winchester Cathedral

I'm glad you're at least getting unemployment benefits.

Hugs, Kit. I hope your T leaves you some sort of supportive voicemail. Though I could also see where she might want to discuss first what it means. I imagine it's especially difficult to have object constancy with her because you haven't been seeing her that long, too.

And sorry certain thoughts are increasing. It does sound exhausting having to deal with those. Anxiety (and OCD) can be that way for me, just taking so much energy to get through the day sometimes. It seems like something good to work with her on when she gets back. Also to figure out the safe space. Does it have to be a real place? Could you imagine one?

Hi NP,

If you look for a jewellery or beading supplies company, they usually sell 'findings' which will likely be more reasonably priced than buying a new wrench or taking your drain apart.

There is of course a chance that the earring back could have slipped further than you would think.

Finding an independent jeweller in your area could potentially be cheaper, as you wouldn't then incur postage.

My mother is a jeweller, but that's not much use to you because I'm in the UK.

Hope you manage to get it sorted.

Thanks LT.

It doesn't have to be a real place. The workbook says you can even just pick a color and use that although how that is supposed to be safe I don't know.

I think it's also hard because I tend to think of certain people as safe. But if they are not near me, like most aren't then I am fearful that the safety will go away.

For example: our pastor's wife. I see her Wednesdays and Sundays at Church. Usually I sit with her during the sermon and I will put my arm around her. That feels safe. But soon they will be leaving and we will be getting a new pastor and a new pastor's wife, like maybe within a month. So I can't pick her as my safe person/space because soon I will not be seeing her very often. Sure she says she will still love me and that we will be friends forever but that doesn't always work out. So I am not trusting that. So even she is not safe right now.

As for an imaginary place like I don't know, a castle or something, I have difficulty trying to imagine things. I can't really draw up a picture in my head. But maybe I can find a picture online of something that could be a safe place and print it out and keep one at work and one at home or something. Maybe I need to get more creative about this so I can move forward in my workbook.

And maybe, perhaps, I am having trouble with this part of it because I don't feel safe yet in therapy with new T. Not that she is doing anything particularly wrong. I just don't have that safety yet. Like the trust isn't there. I don't know.

It's too complicated and hard to sort out. I just want to close my eyes and not deal with it. At least I will see T soon on our telehealth appointment but it is at the end of the week and so much can happen between then and now.

Sending you hugs too, Kit

HUGS, Kit.

Could you maybe think about being with your pets?
Somewhere you feel at ease?

I use this photo sometimes when I need something safe/peaceful-feeling to look at. Serene — lake superior beach glass
Sometimes this one: Serene Sunset Photograph by Robert Bynum - Pixels.

Maybe you can find some nature photograph that speaks to you and adopt it as your safe space.

I have imagined myself in the aquarium from the game Animal Crossing: New Horizons as my "safe space" for EMDR.

My therapist said he liked to go hang out there because it was so peaceful.

Those are both really beautiful.

Kit- I have tried to do safe space multiple times. It is REALLY hard to do when nothing in your real life feels safe. In one way, my cars are very safe for me, but I lost my first kitten when he was 8 mos, and then my second kitty made it to 14, when he escaped (and it was my fault.

that’s all to say that isn’t positive. in my last safe place, was/is my bed! I spend a large majority in life in my bed. I’m not good at imagining things as well. but with the help of my T, I was able to imagine it in the sky, floating around the clouds with perfect temp.

Trigger for SI

Kit - How about your cat or dog as a safe place? Just being with them? Maybe imagine a utopia for them?

Well...I already got my week 1 and 3 rewards... I got succulents for my garden and a new purse. And H is now willing to let me start from where I left off. However, I haven't been able to quit again. I keep making up excuses. Tomorrow is my next try.

I could try taking notes during session. Thanks!

Tomorrow's session we're going to process all last week. I really need to learn to stay calm even when it feels like things are falling apart. Like with H, L now reminds me to just give H some time when he gets upset. He always calms down and eventually things turn out okay. I need to learn to do the same with her. I need to learn to hold onto her and wait until things can be processed. Four years! I know her. It's always been a misunderstanding. She's always has good reasons that make sense. I am so grateful that she has the empathy and patience to put up with me!

My succulent garden:

very nice!

Navajo rabbit, how do you navigate social stuff when you feel like something on the bottom of one's shoe emotionally?

I tried to open up to a friend today, and I don't feel like it went well.

Support shouldn't come with asking someone for a hard deadline on when they're going to be done grieving...right?

Western grieving is an odd thing. Also I think some of us have a more "death happens to us all" attitude than some others. It took me about a year or so to come out of the fog after my mother died and again after my person died but I think about both of them every day - just not with the encompassing sadness/sense of personal loss that is there right after. My friends had moved on so I didn't really talk to them about it much. I also think some relationships can be easier for others to understand -parent, child, spouse = the big ones in my observation people give you a longer pass for these; friends and tangental relatives - not as big - some understanding but now let us get back with the program quicker; people you didn't know (ex. Princess Diana) - can be challenging to relate to for some. But if you are grieving and not moving through it as fast as someone else - well it is your journey and it takes as long as it takes. I wouldn't worry too much either way about how a friend reacted - there are any number of people who are just so freaked out about any thought of death that they just want to ignore it.

I grieved for what felt like forever for my paternal grandmother. She had cancer and we took care of her at the end with the help of hospice. She lived with us about 6 months. She died in our house. I didn't think I would ever stop grieving. In some ways I haven't but it doesn't impact me the same way. But sometimes I still go take flowers to her grave.

On the other hand my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother I barely grieved at all. I barely knew them. My maternal grandfather I grieved some but not as much as Grandma.

I don't think there is a hard deadline on grief. You grieve until you are finished, or in some cases may never finish, and it takes however long it takes. Don't take what that friend said to you to heart, Lost. You are absolutely doing the best you can.

HUGS Kit

P.S. I liked Stopdog's answer too. I grieved Princess Diana too. A woman I never met. But I felt like I knew her because of all the press.

T said she was sorry she didn't get back to me yesterday, long day at the farm. But that she would think about my request for a voicemail and we can talk about it at our next session (Friday) but that it is probably something she can do. Wish she would do it before then but I can understand her wanting to talk to me about it. I feel so disconnected from her right now. This vacation has been a challenge.

I’ve found grief to be a very individual journey, and unless you find yourself truly struggling with depression and unable to function, it’s a difficult, but entirely “normal” experience. I’m quickly coming up on two years since my husband died, and I am definitely very much actively grieving. But I am not depressed; I am functioning well. The intensity of emotions is certainly lessened (most of the time), but I am very aware of his absence on a daily basis. I try to stay mindful of my thoughts and feelings without judging them or trying to stop them. I know my journey is different from my sons’ or other family members, but that is also expected: our individual relationships with my husband were unique.

I just lost my father. The grief is there, but quite different. His death at 92 was not unexpected, not traumatic, and largely a blessing for him. I grieve his loss quite differently, and I am certain getting through that grief will come easier and quicker.

People are largely uncomfortable with grief. They pathologize it. They don’t want to see it. I know I keep much to myself these days because of the prevailing view that my grief makes others uncomfortable. Right or wrong. It is what it is. So I journal. I have conversations with my husband. I find ways to honor him and validate my grief process.

It has improved in many ways. In others, I’m in that awkward spot where I find myself hiding it a great deal.

Give yourself time and find your own way to honor your grief. It will ease when you are ready.

I talk to my person all the time - usually when I am driving.

I admit I am one of the people who doesn't really get the celebrity mourning thing - I mean there are those I like and am sort of detachedly like - that is too bad. But I don't feel it personally at all. Apparently some people do and while it would not be my thing, if it is yours -then that is the journey you are on. For me, I have to be pretty much very close the person before it is more than a "that is too bad" or "I feel sorry for their family" sort of thing.

Thanks, Artley.

I guess it's like my favourite Grateful Dead song says:

'There is a road,
No simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone...'

I just wish the net result of this was something other than me feeling guilty for taking the time I really need.

I’m sorry about your father, Artley.

Next Wednesday will be the first anniversary of my mother’s death. The grief has gotten a bit less frequent but is still very intense when it comes.

This December will be 10 years since my Dad passed. I don't get sad so much anymore, but I do still think about him often because I see so much of him (the good parts) in my son.

I'm very depressed. Considering going back on meds. Some **** has arisen in therapy. Nothing my therapist did other than bring something out in the open that I can't handle being out in the open. I feel ashamed. I asked if we could do virtual session today instead of in person. He agreed. I'm not sure if I made the right choice there though. It's just me running away lite. Maybe I should drive down there and do a phone session from the car in case I regret this.