Couch 244: Great Expectations

as of lately, especially since attending a CoDA meeting on zoom sunday evening, I am really starting to see my bull**** for what it is. I don't want to be like this anymore.

All the hugs, Artie.

Please be gentle with yourself through this process.
R has told me several times that 'Becoming aware of something is the first step to changing it.'

Hugs, Artie.

Thanks Lost. atm I'm really fighting wanting to hate myself for taking so incredibly long (11+ years) to finally get to this point. I suppose that hating myself (which I always reverted to in the past when I'd start to get a glimpse) allows me to just give up and put the blinders back on, doesn't it? I've gotten more than a glimpse this time, though. I really see it now and it's glaringly in my face 24/7 and it won't go away so I'm writing through it, talking through it with L, and now CoDA-meetings through it too.

thanks LT.

y'all on the couch are so wise and i appreciate all of you

Good for you, Artie. There's so much bull$hit flying around that we all look like a colony of dung beetles.

... from all of us, I mean, not just you and your pile!!

Hugs, Artie.

Awareness takes its own time.
Not everything is a lightbulb moment.

I love CODA. This is a good description of it! I realized i wasnt alone or unique.

Ugh. I hate when I tell someone, like my T, that something will be fine. Then they do it, and I'm upset by it. And then I feel like I can't say I'm upset by it, because I said it was fine.

Dr. T is off tomorrow, one of my usual days (he only found out last week, some graduation--presumably not his 15-year-old son--that he has to attend). We scheduled yesterday, then tentatively scheduled both Thursday and Friday. I was unsure about Thursday, as I'll be at a concert fairly late Wednesday night. I asked yesterday if I could think about it and let him know tomorrow morning, so giving him his required 24 hours notice. He said it was fine. But if he had a client request the spot, could he ask me and give me right of first refusal? (In other words, if I still wanted the slot, I could say no.)

It didn't help that yesterday he sort of joked that he'd rather I not keep the spot, because he has a very long day due to putting some other Wednesday clients on Thursday's schedule, too. (So if I canceled, would give him lighter workload.)

I was debating whether to just cancel Thursday anyway when he texted an hour ago and said he had a client in need of a spot, OK if he gives away my Thursday session? I said yes. But even though I was considering canceling and said I was fine with the arrangement, I still feel rather sad and sort of rejected.

Anyway, just getting that out here (and in Dear T) instead of saying it to him. As I'm pretty sure I know what he'll say. At least I have concerts tonight and tomorrow (same band--decided to go to both shows) to keep me occupied. (Though they're the same band at the same venue that led to me emailing ex-MC that night like 5.5 years ago.)

Female luna moth.

Somebody posted one on my nextdoor. This one is from wikipedia. I love where i live.

Oh, neat!

What's different this time around for me - when I went to meetings about 5 years ago, I was still firmly living in denial-land and so could not really relate to what everyone else was sharing so I was playing pretend as usual. Ugh. But with all the work I've been doing in therapy since I went back in late January, and all the writing I've been doing (my thinkwriting I call it haha), and finally-finally-finally actually looking at myself - yeah - it's like it was my very FIRST meeting even though it wasn't. I'm not alone or unique in this messiness - I totally related to other people's shares. And I am starting over in the workbook and going back to page 1 in the big blue book.

oh well. it takes what it takes, as they say; there ain't no time machine so the best i can do now for myself is to move forward and keep healing.

I hope I remember all of the responses I want to give.
First of all-did i miss the memo of changing our avatars! i like them. Artie-yours is so pretty. I also want to say that it really is very difficult to face yourself in a different light. It took me for my life to fall apart, to be forced to ask for help. And help I got. Way more than I would have expected. I still have a long road ahead of me, especially since I will be going back to inpatient soon. But don’t beat yourself up, though I know it is so so difficult not to. I spent a portion of yesterday crying because all i could think about myself was how sh**ty of a friend and daughter.

Lost-No one knows my therapist’s name. I probably be bothered by that too, though it sounds like you are feeling better after talking about R.

LT-I do not like how he handled your situation.
He should have just said “Yes, letting me know tomorrow is fine, whether you want to cancel or not.” Instead he “joked” about how it would be nice to have one less client. Did he ask you about the other client taking your spot before you had to give him a decision on whether you were cancelling or not?

Oh, what is CODA? Apparently I am too lazy to google this.

Around here CODA is co-dependents anonymous
CoDA.org
(my sibling just started going to some online meetings)

Oh, good for them!

I hope it helps too

Thanks SD. I think I have the opposite problem.

that's the CoDA i'm doing. I should have elaborated, thanks sd.

Of course, to me CODA is child of deaf adults.

Sort of like to me gf is gluten free while to you most of you all it’s girlfriend. 😃

I’m setting outside on my new-to-me front patio gazing up at the waxing moon.

Or monkeys flinging poo at each other.

Dare I look at the Nextdoor for where I live now?

A nextdoor guy friend-requested me. I accepted, but there has been no movement since. Dating in your sick fat burnt-out 70's!

Today was a good day.
I spent part of it at a local wildlife sanctuary having an encounter with a fox they'd rescued from human 'care'. Due to being fed human food she had a calcium deficiency that led to a broken leg.

Given that she climbed up on my shoulder at one point, I think it's safe to say we got on well.

RIP Tina Turner

i'm glad you had a good day. and aww, cute pic!