[MuddyBoots]

I mean, I don't consistently feel sui, but it comes frequently, but I know how to handle those thoughts and feelings for now, just sometimes I feel like I can't handle things anymore.

But the other day I got rejected from another eating disorder treatment program. A straight up, "no, you can't do IP, you can't do residential, and you can't do PHP here" and this is the third treatment center that said they couldn't take me. I'm out of in person PHP options, even if I drive 1.5 hours one way. The only virtual I applied to is out too.

Possible trigger:

When I received yet another rejection I came very close to committing suicide. The method I would have gone with would've been a pretty certain death, and I was seconds away from doing it. And the next day I was still pissed about "not meeting criteria" for IP but "needing a higher level of care" than PHP and not knowing any residential options that take my insurance so over an hour or so I drank and purged about a gallon of distilled water to purposely fk up my potassium even more than it already is.

I did realize how stupid that was when I started showing symptoms so when my stomach was empty and I peed, I drank tap water and had a smoothie with bananas, spinach, milk, and yogurt to raise my potassium a little.

Possible trigger:

I still want to/do the water purging thing but I stop after my fingers are covered in blood and there are "coffee grounds" (old blood clumps) in the toilet/bucket/whatever which doesn't take that long. Don't worry my gastro said there's nothing majorly wrong and I just need to take pantoprazole which I have been on for half a year now so the blood is a no biggie.

Should I tell my treatment team (they communicate with each other so telling one is telling all) or do I avoid another trip to the psych ward?

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I think you need to tell them, even if there's a risk of IP. And is it possible for them to advocate for you being a part of one of the eating disorder programs? To fight for you being there?

[Nammu]

Yes, do tell them. They need to know what’s going on in order to help. I’m sorry eating disorders are so hard to get treatment for. It shouldn’t be that way but it is. Stupid insurance.

[felineangel]

Please do tell them, you need and deserve the help, muddy

[MuddyBoots]

But the thing is I don't think I'll really get "help" if I tell them the whole story about the past few weeks. There's even some stuff that might say "I am a danger to myself" I didn't write about because it's just stupid. I'm not "afraid" of psych IP I just have IEAs too often and although feeling "safe" is kinda nice I don't want to live in hospitals.

Yes, my pdoc and case manager are trying to figure out the ED treatment thing and I talk to my case manager later today to see how that's going.

[divine1966]

You need to tell them. You are very unwell. Most certainly it’s frustrating that they can’t find proper treatment but I believe you can make it worse by not telling. Another IP might not be a bad option. Plus I thought you wanted to go IP, just didn’t qualify for it

Pantaprosole is supposed to work when you eat. That’s why you take it half an hour before meal. My GI actually recommends it not in the morning but before larger meal like dinner for example. But if you don’t eat, it just doesn’t do what it is supposed to do.

[MuddyBoots]

I wanted to go to an eating disorder IP with a dietician, MEDICAL nurse practitioner or doctor, nutritionist, and mental health workers who don't say "I will never understand eating disorders", not psychiatric IP (where they would send me, where they don't give a fk if you go three days without eating and then eat, but purge after, and the second you have more than three snacks in a row they lock the kitchen area because "we don't treat eating disorders here" and the mental health specialists have not one bit of thought as to how to help).

I didn't even really want to do ED IP, I wanted to do residential, but my insurance doesn't cover it.

[felineangel]

Your amazing, muddy

[Fuzzybear]

[felineangel]