Send him back?

My husband and I have not been the best parents since my son came home. The person that has been taking care of him is leaving until January. Though he's still in the process of getting re-dx'd, proper meds. and building his relationship with his therapist. I don't want to uproot him but don't know if it's the best environment to stay with us. We are both isolating ourselves including from each other.

tough call.. but I do know this: In order to care for someone else, you have to make sure you are taken care of. Take care of yourself first... otherwise you won't have much to offer. It's only when you are full of life that you can offer that to someone else.

hope this helps.... it's a touchy subject so i understand not many people willing to take it on.

Idk, honestly. I've never sent Jordan away, always just coped regardless, I wouldn't know how to make such a call, so I'm unable to vote... Why not ask Miguel? I had a friend who said he felt like a bloody circus growing up, so maybe its Miguel's input thats needed at this point.

this is not enough info for me. Please clarify situation

I don't know the details of your situation, so I can't really help you make this decision. I will tell you about my husband and I and our 3 children.

My husband and I both have bipolar disorder and PTSD. My husband also has BPD. We have 3 sons and have always managed to maintain a healthy family life for them despite our own issues. Personally I would have never been able to send my sons away. I think it would crush them; I know it would crush me.

The only time they have been sent to relatives was briefly (one week) while I was hospitalized as a way of taking some pressure off my husband. It was over a Thanksgiving holiday so they were off from school and family was gathering at the home of the family they went to so it was really more of a treat/vacation for them.

My oldest son once wrote a beautiful, yet heart-wrenching poem about those times I've been away during hospitalization. Basically it expressed how difficult it was for me to be away during those times, even though they were only a week or so at a time. Being away from parents IS extremely hard on kids, and they attach meaning to it, sometimes mistaken, that we need to recognize and be willing to really hear.

So we've pretty much always kept our children with us despite our own issues. We've been open and honest with them (age appropriately) about our struggles, but having as normal a home life as possible has always been our priority for them. We feel that is our responsibility to them, and I don't think they would have wanted things any other way.

I'd get the adults and their therapist(s) together with Miguel and his therapist(s) and work up a solution from there ... !!!

Gosh, it's got to be hard going through all this when kids are involved ... !!!

I can't even imagine it as I only know how hard it is doing it single and childless ... !!!

However, the altruistic adult me says the best interest of the child should always come first ... !!!

Sending 's and wishing you all the best ... ... !!!

,
Pfrog!

Clarification: My son went to stay with family May- mid-august. I was mid psychotic episode (med induced) and my husband was in a deep depression. I slipped into depression and isolation.
My husband's depression decreased a little so he could help care for my son with the help of his cousin.

He went for a med adjustment instead got placed into IOP. He was taken out of IOP day after he started. Our treatment plan: No IOP and only in-patient after mutual agreement between all (7) therapists and pdocs. He requested a change of pdoc but has not received a new one yet. Meaning no med change and he has slipped back into depression and his cousin has take back over parenting for the most part.

As for me after being taken of my AD I slipped into a depression. I have pretty much isolated (including headphones) and became very mute, except for here. I was put on a passed AD and after the second increase I started eating again a little, talking a little, taking off my headphones for a couple of hours and cooking dinner occasionally. I will need to be put on a new AD because my jaw is “hiccuping” again. I'm now only sleep 9-12 hrs a day. Change of a new AD could send me into psychotic episode. I know there are times that my son is afraid of me

As for my husband and my relationship it hasn't been the best obviously. I'm sensitive and he's irritable that is not a good match. I've been a bit paranoid, I had a melt down after my therapists left a voice mail. This was apparently the best time to talk at me that “he's scared he's loosing me”. Anyway things aren't the best between us. I almost left home last night.

We have, with the blessings of our therapists, dis-enrolled in a 3x a week exercise program. So we went from being at the center 4-6 days a week to 1-2x a week. We are keeping our appointments and still taking Miguel to karate 3x a week, and home-school activities. My therapist has separated “our” appointment into mostly my appointment. Our therapists think we're to hard on ourselves. Miguel thinks we're great parents (what kid doesn't idolize their parents though?) any bad thoughts of us he relates to BP.

If this is still not enough info. I'll add more.

So back to this situation: With us generally “in our own world” my husband's cousin has manly took over parenting again. She is leaving for the holidays, and needs to know if he'll be going or staying. I am worried that with med changes that we won't be able to care for each other and Miguel while finding stability. Not like we're being good parents now. We have 1-2 more appointments before he leaves but we need to buy the ticket. He will make the end decision to go “for the holidays”. No family member's will ever know that there is more behind it, neither will he.

Miguel currently has a pdoc and therapist to help him with SI issues, our bipolar and to figure out his particular combination of ADHD, Asperger's, bipolar, OCD and what is learned behavior.

I know it sounds wrong to send him away so much this year. It'll be 4.5 months this year if he goes. We're trying to keep him in an environment that is always stable and away from our personal demons.

So sorry that you are going through this.

Two questions: does Miguel like the cousin? Would Miguel have access to his own mental health care if he goes away?

Best,
EJ

He does like his cousin. She moved in with us shortly after he was one. They are more like siblings. His cousin is 26, he will be very sad when she goes. She moved out for a semester and we ended up eating dinner with her almost every night because Miguel missed her so much. He would not have all of his meds. or mental health help.

Liking his cousin is good. There is a bond between them. That should help.

He would not have the meds because you do not trust him to take them on schedule?

He'd be in a different state and we don't have the $200+ for the med and can't get more then 30 days. NYC only accepts 1 script and the others are basically lost. He is excellent at taking it but it's not doing anything to help him.

Very tough decision to make. Lots of pros and cons. If his medication isn't helping him why would you keep having him take it. How old is Miguel? (Sorry if I missed his age.)

He is 10. They just doubled his med on the 17th. If after the 3rd increase he'll be put on abilify instead.

What does he say about going away? Will his schooling continue while he was gone? Will he be able to see a Pdoc while he is gone? What if he is gone and has an episode and needs to see a Pdoc .. I know you and your husband are both dealing with your own illness and are concerned you wont be available to parent him.

Im the type that has to sit down with a legal pad and physically do a pros and cons list.

I hope you are able to make a decision that will work for your family.

Good Luck

I think it sounds like he'd be safe and happy going with cousin for holidays. Also give you and hubby more time to get feeling better. I think it's great to have trusted family for him to visit. But also, would take his feelings into account. I assume he'd want to go with cousin and see relatives. If he was uneasy or anxious about going, I'd reconsider. I know you do what's best for your baby boy.