Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

So in four months we have gone from you terminating me, you then contacting me six weeks later to say you realise you handled things badly and would like to give it another go if I was willing, hashing things out and being brutally honest with each other, and now on Christmas Eve you unexpectedly leaving me a voicemail because you want me to know I’m not forgotten between sessions and that you know how difficult the next few days are going to be for me.
This isn’t what I was expecting after everything that happened in August, but your voicemail today was one of the most thoughtful and caring things anyone has done for me. Thank you so very much.

Dear T-

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful email over the holidays. I didn't expect or even wish for it- but receiving such an attuned note brought tears to my eyes. I feel like you see me and know me. This is a hard time of year and hearing you say "I am holding you in mind with love and care" meant more than you know.

It didn't feel intrusive at all, especially since you said no reply needed. I do look forward to our very reduced (but continued) sessions in the new year.

Dear former T,
You were the person who walked me through the toughest years of my life. Our therapy has been over for some years now and I am happy we kept in touch a little, somehow. I like your “human” side as well.
You will always be the best and my favourite, with all your flaws as well, because you cared a lot and it’s such a good feeling to be in this quiet place when it comes to our relationship. I am so happy for all that you have achieved in these years. I was one of you first clients and we saw each other grow.
Last night I dreamt of you being sick and woke up sad.
Usually I have the urge to get in touch with people I dream of, but not with you. I know I could, now but I also know you are very fine and going strong. I want to keep growing. Walk on my own. Meet you one day for a walk in the park like you suggested in your Christmas letter. Not as a needy client. For that I have current T to stress, after all. When I joke that she should retire she makes a good laugh. You’ve passed me to another good person and I will always be grateful for that.
I wish you the very best till the moment for that walk comes.

First day of training to start running again and it was good. Other than gym I wasn’t very productive today.

I told you about my dream and instead of being creeped out you just laughed and said "did I make anything besides gravy?"

Also I know I sounded kinda squeaky at the end. Its because when we hung up I went to the bathroom to dry heave. Dumb side pain.

Dear T,
Do you do some sort of creative writing, too? (Or maybe your wife or a close friend or I guess another client?) You just seem very knowledgeable about writing and the publishing business. And kind of vested in it. I imagine you wouldn't tell me if you did it though. From some of what you've said, I would suspect you write sci-fi, which isn't my thing anyway.

I do wish I'd learned to take criticism and feedback more when I was much younger. I suppose if I'd played sports more, like you said, I would have gotten plenty of that, as I kind of suck at athletic endeavors!

I sort of wish you were working Friday, just because, i mean, I'm at the point where it would be free. You said no one had really expressed interest. I know I said it in a joking tone today, but I guess I'm no one? Not that I'd expect you to come in just for me, of course. And other clients might have just figured it wasn't an option, especially if you said you didn't know if you'd be working. It's a big deal, like I'm not going to make a thing of it. Assuming things don't totally fall apart for me in some way in the next few days, that is...

Love,
LT

These nighttime griefquakes are becoming par for the course.

It's hard to 'breathe through it' when that's my only option.

Dear new T

Thank you for being patient and understanding. I know now that working with you is going to help me function in my day to day and other things.

Dear T,

And now I've screwed up another work thing. I hope my good track record on this particular account will keep me from getting fired. I have no idea how I missed that assignment email... And why didn't anyone say something when I didn't submit it on the due date of Friday? Or at least today?

Wish I could talk to you for a few minutes, but H helped talk me down, and I don't want to email if I can avoid it. Hope I don't get fired or anything. But I can't possibly be the first person to miss an assignment like that, with the way they assign things. It was much better when it was more personalized--L would have emailed again if I didn't confirm receipt from her. The automated system isn't like that.

Love,
LT

You said yesterday if you had to vote red you'd vote for Nikki Haley because shes a "woman of color." And I was thinking "whaaat???."

Sorry for responding... I didn't think a hug was enough... I'm with you on the what?!?!

Honestly this place is super LGBTQ friendly but they kinda give off slight racist vibes

She mentioned another time about an Asian restuarant being "very clean"

had another dream about you last night. okay okay I totally get that it wasn't really about you it was about that part of me that psyche insists on putting your face to. it needs to knock that **** off. oooohhhhhhhhhhh. Wait just a doggone minute....I think... maybe... I am beginning... to understand something here.

Dear T,

You were very kind and supportive to my H during that insurance coding exchange (you have to know he shared it with me). But "for realsies"? You actually said that phrase? I may need to try to work that into session tomorrow somehow.

Love,
LT

I so hope you don't cancel for friday.

I just realized that my monthly bonus will fully cover 2 sessions a month, so next time H opens his mouth I will remind him of that. Seriously, if it's my choice to work hard enough to make bonus every month, it should also be my choice how to spend the extra money. Especially considering how many times a day he interrupts my work to come help him with this or that bull****. I don't mean legitimate stuff - I mean stuff like "Where's the hot dogs?" Take a minute and LOOK for them first, ya ijit. Some days I really have to push myself to get out the required amount of work to qualify for bonus.

Anyway, I know I scheduled 3 times in January and that's still what I want because, well, January. But I may ask to go down to 2 per month after that for a while if that's okay. I'm going to want to stop again at some point, but not just yet.

I'm sooooooo frustrated by my lack of progress. If I could ****ing stay sober and eat and sleep, maybe our time would be productive.

Dear T,

I appreciate the apology about the "no one" comment re: Friday. I know I took a risk bringing that up near the end of session, but I guess I had faith that it would go OK--and it did. Also, that you didn't see it as me trying to get you to work that day, because that's not what it was about. (I'm surprised you said you'd still be replying to email tomorrow, a holiday, though.)

Also, I'm glad you saw that one comment I made about getting something useful out of most sessions as a compliment. Though I guess I hadn't thought of it that way when I was saying it--maybe because it isn't just about *you*, but the work we do together. And I'm a part of that, too. Hm...maybe that's also a shift that I'm seeing things that way? I would normally blame myself for something getting messed up, but not give myself credit when they go positively. And now, I see that it's generally *not* just me if there's a conflict in a relationship (OK, sometimes!). But also not just the other person if things go well. Hm...

I appreciated the warm "Take care" when I left.

I really do hope you have a good Thanksgiving and a restful few days. You deserve it.

Love you,
LT

You talked the other day about intuitive showering and intuitive laundry in addtion to eating. Just doing it whenever I feel like I suddenly can. But what about intuitive sleeping? Last night was tough and I didn't sleep well so around 10:30 this morning I passed out for 2 hours. Is that helpful or will that just mess up a lot of stuff?

I remember the time a therapist asked me what size shoe I wore and I told her a size 8 and she said that was a good size for my height.

I honestly don't get these therapists sometimes when they make these sorts of comments.