Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

You said yesterday if you had to vote red you'd vote for Nikki Haley because shes a "woman of color." And I was thinking "whaaat???."

had another dream about you last night. okay okay I totally get that it wasn't really about you it was about that part of me that psyche insists on putting your face to. it needs to knock that **** off. oooohhhhhhhhhhh. Wait just a doggone minute....I think... maybe... I am beginning... to understand something here.

Sorry for responding... I didn't think a hug was enough... I'm with you on the what?!?!

Dear T,

You were very kind and supportive to my H during that insurance coding exchange (you have to know he shared it with me). But "for realsies"? You actually said that phrase? I may need to try to work that into session tomorrow somehow.

Love,
LT

I so hope you don't cancel for friday.

Honestly this place is super LGBTQ friendly but they kinda give off slight racist vibes

She mentioned another time about an Asian restuarant being "very clean"

I just realized that my monthly bonus will fully cover 2 sessions a month, so next time H opens his mouth I will remind him of that. Seriously, if it's my choice to work hard enough to make bonus every month, it should also be my choice how to spend the extra money. Especially considering how many times a day he interrupts my work to come help him with this or that bull****. I don't mean legitimate stuff - I mean stuff like "Where's the hot dogs?" Take a minute and LOOK for them first, ya ijit. Some days I really have to push myself to get out the required amount of work to qualify for bonus.

Anyway, I know I scheduled 3 times in January and that's still what I want because, well, January. But I may ask to go down to 2 per month after that for a while if that's okay. I'm going to want to stop again at some point, but not just yet.

I'm sooooooo frustrated by my lack of progress. If I could ****ing stay sober and eat and sleep, maybe our time would be productive.

Dear T,

I appreciate the apology about the "no one" comment re: Friday. I know I took a risk bringing that up near the end of session, but I guess I had faith that it would go OK--and it did. Also, that you didn't see it as me trying to get you to work that day, because that's not what it was about. (I'm surprised you said you'd still be replying to email tomorrow, a holiday, though.)

Also, I'm glad you saw that one comment I made about getting something useful out of most sessions as a compliment. Though I guess I hadn't thought of it that way when I was saying it--maybe because it isn't just about *you*, but the work we do together. And I'm a part of that, too. Hm...maybe that's also a shift that I'm seeing things that way? I would normally blame myself for something getting messed up, but not give myself credit when they go positively. And now, I see that it's generally *not* just me if there's a conflict in a relationship (OK, sometimes!). But also not just the other person if things go well. Hm...

I appreciated the warm "Take care" when I left.

I really do hope you have a good Thanksgiving and a restful few days. You deserve it.

Love you,
LT

You talked the other day about intuitive showering and intuitive laundry in addtion to eating. Just doing it whenever I feel like I suddenly can. But what about intuitive sleeping? Last night was tough and I didn't sleep well so around 10:30 this morning I passed out for 2 hours. Is that helpful or will that just mess up a lot of stuff?

I remember the time a therapist asked me what size shoe I wore and I told her a size 8 and she said that was a good size for my height.

I honestly don't get these therapists sometimes when they make these sorts of comments.

Dear T,

Well, that dream seemed to have a pretty clear meaning. If I was freaking out over accidentally texting you a heart emoji. You seemed fine with it in the dream, so maybe that also means something? Not about how you'd actually react, but how my subconscious thinks you'd react. Then my phone was responding to you for me, though it was a pretty random conversation, about amusement parks (?). That was making me anxious, too.

It could be worth talking about, if it's still in my head at all Monday. I wonder if it's partly because it was around a year ago that the whole "I love you" mess happened. And you know how I am about anniversaries... Maybe my dream is like, "Hey, this is still in your head."

I feel OK about not seeing you today, too. Like, I think if last night or this morning, you'd emailed and said you'd decided to work for a bit after all and to let you know if I wanted to come in, I'd probably say "Actually, I'll just see you Monday." Though I don't know. Maybe I'd have opted for virtual or something. Especially as it's about at the point where it would be free to me with insurance.

Love,
LT

In two hours I am going to explain to you why I am stupid. It's going to take the whole session if I cN STAY on topic. Ha, that's not going to happen because I'm a pos.

Marinating in difficult questions today...the kind that have no easily palatable answers.

Thank you for your patience with me as I persevere with this new language of feeling that I never wanted to learn.

Thank you for today, for pushing me so hard; for somehow knowing the time was right to do so. But damn, that was hard to hear, what you said at that one point. But yes, I did see it and I do see it and I can't unsee it even though I want to.

Going to freaking Massachusetts for PHP or IOP really isn't an option and I do NOT want to do IP

Dr. S. Do you realize it's been 2 weeks since I emailed you last? Have you even noticed?

The sadness is still heavy. Motivation is still lacking. The mind is much more quiet.

I am still confused by the duality of your statements -- maybe you were confused when you said them.

I'm not in the mood to really contact you this weekend. Theres no need to plus you said you were traveling for Thanksgiving. I haven't been thinking much about you tbh. Since our last session. I've been focusing on other things.

Well, you will be glad to hear I (finally) got a sponsor in CoDA tonight to help me work the steps more completely. On my own I've kinda jumped around and done bits and pieces here and there of all of them. But honestly, I'm still stuck on step 3, and I should have gotten a sponsor a lot sooner than now! But I am going to just be grateful that I made myself ask someone and that she said she would walk me through the steps, and I am not going to beat myself up about waiting so long to ask someone.

oh you are gonna love what just happened when I tell you.

Dear T,

I really hope you don't end up being away during that time. I know you're probably a therapist rarity in that you tend to work a few days between Christmas and New Year's. But, as you know, that's a stressful time for me. I do appreciate your explaining why you might have to be away and saying that it's only a 10% chance. Though the way my mind works, I'm thinking, "Well, it will likely happen then."

Of course, you have to know that I'm wondering what relative it is. I don't think it would be your parents, as I'm pretty sure they're local. Unless by "traveling," you just mean staying at someone else's house the next county over. Maybe a parent of your wife's? I don't want to ask. And I guess I also wonder, from what you said about the surgery, if it's something like a knee replacement, where it's not a case where their life is threatened by their condition. As opposed to something like surgery for a cancer, though I image that would be more urgent. Would be kinda funny in a way if it was for a hernia because of H.

And I think I do need to talk about the other thing I mentioned, the love thing from a year ago. I just got scared today and couldn't do it. It seems silly that I feel the need to reconnect with you first after less than a week away, but there we are. We'll see about Wednesday...

Love,
LT

I told my mom today I think I've been to more medical appointments then sessions with you, and she agreed. But I kinda miss you today.

My dream-maker is continuing to not disappoint. I had another good one night before last that we'll have to talk about. Oh and I had a short email discussion with my new coda sponsor earlier - i think she hit the nail on the head about why i'm struggling so with step 3. we can talk about that a little too maybe.

L,
I'm trying so hard to engage with G, but he is just so passive. J figured it out: G doesn't show curiosity. He doesn't ask questions or offer advice. If someone just wanted a kind blank slate therapist, then G's for them. If I didn't put forth energy to make the conversation continue, we'd sit in silence. You left me with this person who isn't helping! I have no therapist as of right now and I'm struggling. I need help, but there is nowhere to turn.

Sorry both pdoc and T for the freak out emails. I just needed to take something for my cold. Now I just want vegan chicken nuggets instead of a med increase.