Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Yes, Muddy...this is the way.

May I make peace with the level of support I need during this time, and never take what is freely given for granted.

Don't be mad or worried. Let me go. I don't need or want your help. Want to ghost the world.

There is nothing worse for me than being a source of capital c Concern.

Dear T,

Thanks for being open to talking more about the move (though you did try to veer away from it at one point). I do think maybe your talking about killing the palm tree today triggered some of the sadness. Not because I have a particular attachment to that tree, but because it's another thing going away.

I think we came up with some good stuff together on why this is so distressing to me, aside from the obvious dislike of change and attachment to places. Your thought on how this is probably the first time I'm losing a "space" since my termination with ex-MC. Yeah, there have been restaurants that I've lost (thought of that on the way home), but in terms of safe spaces, his was probably the most recent--and that was 6 years ago. Losing his first office would be the other most recent one, and that's like 7-8 years ago.

And your comment that we've worked through ruptures and conflicts in this office, and maybe I fear that the same energy won't be there in the new one to do so. Or at least that we won't have that history there. That rang true as well. Lots to think about. And not all literally about you/your office either.

Love,
LT

Right now I feel like I can make it in person tommorow. Earlier I almost emailed you and asked if we could switch to virtual. But I sat with my feelings or pushed through them or some dumb *** thing I learned in IOP that I'm not quite sure applies to this situation.

Dear T,

Also, I tried showing empathy to H about the work badge thing, and he acted like I was crazy. (Like saying, "I'm sorry--I should have been more supportive this morning when you were complaining about having to show the badge.") So, uh, apparently, it wasn't about that! I did finally admit it was something you suggested, as he was reacting like I'd lost my mind.

(And I admit it did bother me a bit that it felt like you were sort of siding with him at the start of session. I mean, seriously, it was about wearing a lanyard for a few hours a week...I thought you'd agree he was being a bit over the top, but maybe it was like, male/husband solidarity or something).

Love,
LT

Dear T,

You really suck at your job and I am done. You're fired!

Me being sick and not able to make it in person is like in 2020 when I wanted my transference T back in person real bad.

I know how much you want to see me. I'm trying.

Hi R,

I really didn't like how rushed today's session felt.
When you said you needed to cut it short, I couldn't shake the sense of you having started a timer.

Rationally, I know that wasn't the case, but it still sucked.

Anyway, thank you for the reminder that concern can come from connection.

Let the pre-anniversary bracing begin.

Lost

I have a feeling I’m going to fall out with my oldest best friend soon.

I just feel like our opposing views are making us grow apart.