Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

So, it's about six weeks until the anniversary.
Somehow I have to arrange two mentoring sessions with students during the shortest month of the academic year, when I don't know how I'm going to feel for the first 10 days.

Working while grieving is hard.

Dear T,

Is this your excuse to get rid of the fish I gave you? "Oops, no room for it!" Couldn't you have just said you'd find room? I know your office will be smaller and you didn't want to commit to anything, but it was hard hearing you say you weren't sure what you'd have space for when I mentioned it. And of course it was near the end of session. At least you said it was OK to bring in something tiny if it doesn't fit. Suppose I should start my search for the world's tiniest model fish, in whatever medium, so I can be ready. "OK, here is a fish painted on a grain of rice."

Love,
LT

Here you go, LT. Grain of Rice Painting by Hasan Kale

But seriously, that would make me sad too if my T couldn't find a place for a small item that I'd given them. Why can't he just put the little fish on a windowsill or on top of some books? It's not like it needs it's own bookshelf. Hopefully he will find a nice spot.

Does he have lots of items acquired over the years that he needs to find space for? Like, lots of client gifts and nicknacks? My T has a lot of that kind of stuff. Mostly gifts from clients I think. Their office is a bit cluttered with it, but it's cosy and I don't mind. They also do sand tray so there are a lot of sand tray figurines scattered about as well.

Thanks, Inky! He does have a lot of items, some from clients, some not, in his office. So I understand his not being able to take them all. Or to maybe get creative in how he displays them. It's pretty cluttered, like you said your T's is. There's a really small sand tray, maybe 5" x 7" with a couple miniature animals in it (not the fish). I imagine your T's is bigger if clients actually do work in it.

It feels like if he doesn't find a spot for it, it's discarding me, in a way, even though I know it's not quite like that. I'm hoping maybe if he can't find space, he'd tell me I could take it back--maybe to keep at home as a sort of connection--and let me know how small something I'd replace it with would have to be.

Those grains of rice paintings were a thing years ago in a tourist place, like "your name on a grain of rice"--not sure they're still a thing? Though it occurred to me that if I put a grain of rice in there, it might get swept up by the cleaning crew. Maybe in a sand tray?

Dear T,

Sorry for the email, but I can't stop crying about this. Thinking of you throwing it in the trash or in a storage bin with other random junk particularly shattered me. It probably seems ridiculous to you, so I hope you can understand before we meet next. And like I said, I know this isn't just about the fish, or you--that it cuts deeply into something in me, likely tying into childhood. I hope you can get that.


Love,
LT

Dear T,

Yeah, that reply didn't help. Even Gmail knew it, as one of its suggested replies was "Ugh."

Love,
LT

I can't do anything because I already rescheduled this week. I just hope my stomach holds up for 45 minutes.

Well it held up until about 15 minutes after I posted this.

I asked you something that had been bothering me that my transference T never told me and you asked how did I find out about it, and I lied and said my Pdoc told me when actually I found out from google.

Sorry for lying. But at least you were on my side that she should have told me.

Also I threw up about 3 minutes after we logged off. But I'm glad I held on during the session.

You are clever, mostly. It's reassuring for me.

Seven more sleeps.

Layers upon layers.

It all bloody happens at once.

Dear T,

That session didn't help. I just felt shame. Maybe I should just leave.

--LT

Ya know, he probably cannot help you with your shame, because he cannot deal with his own shame. He puts up rules and regulations and boundaries, but he hides his own shame. Just as you have always suspected about his feelings towards his son. I was aware of my t's shame. He even told me he had thought i was trying to shame him, when actually i was asking him, how are you surviving? I think that was a valid question to want to ask your t. Why shouldnt they be a mentor? But your shame makes him uncomfortable so he blames you. You need a smarter and more human t. Not one you try to coax - like i was doing with penultimate t. Its like my last two ts had only one gene difference between them.

Thanks, Una, this resonates. And I was just thinking that it's actually a similar dynamic to something with my mom--where she also has anxiety (both Dr. T and ex-T have said it's obvious from how I've described her). But she doesn't want to accept it, let alone admit it, so she seems critical of me for my anxiety instead.

Whereas my mother-in-law has anxiety and admits it, so she's empathetic to me for mine (and accommodating/understanding).

But yeah, maybe it's a similar dynamic with Dr. T, but with shame or something similar. And/or maybe self-doubt/insecurity from some things he's said.

Dear R,

I know I've sent a couple different emails about times, but if you could get back to me at some point tomorrow, that'd be good. I'd at least need to know about Monday.

I hope you aren't having second thoughts about meeting with me. I'm being honest that Dr. T said it was OK, if one or two sessions. That if it was more, we'd need to discuss further. But this is just for one. I feel a little stuck with him on this topic and how to understand and explain it. I'm hoping your knowledge on things like parts will help here. I want your help to not throw out the baby with the bathwater. To figure out how to comfort my younger parts about this if he can't do that.

--LT

Dear R,

Thanks for confirming the Monday session! And also wishing me a good weekend after I wished you one. Hope Monday helps, whatever "helps" means.


--LT

Dear T,

Maybe your trying to understand what I'm feeling and why it's important to have a place in your current or future office *is* your way of caring? Maybe I'll try to think of it that way.

Love,
LT

Nathaniel Rateliff on repeat...

This new song has a primal element to it that I didn't know I needed.

There's a moment where his voice becomes the 'solo instrument', where you might normally expect a guitar or something.

I kind of feel jealous that he can move that much energy that way.

Then there's the gut punch in the lines:

Don't be appalled with the fall,
It didn't hurt that bad
I've hit the ground harder
I've hit the ground harder

No prizes for guessing where that takes me.

T,
I appreciate your support. I just wish you weren't so optimistic about situations that put me at so much risk. L is trying to teach me that it's okay to be weak sometimes. Sometimes we need to depend on others to get you through. I just want all of this to be seen as a whole.

Also, why are you so good at compacting your responses? I write a 3 paragraph email, you respond with 3 sentences... Still I appreciate your response and support.

Dear T,

It occurs to me that maybe you think this is just about the fish, or mostly about the fish itself. It's not just about the fish. It's not about dictating what goes in your new space. The fish is a metaphor, of sorts.

Hopefully, R can help me understand it better and also to figure out how to explain it to you better in a way you can understand. Like an LT to Dr. T translator.

Love,
LT

Why not also ask R to help you deal with the consequences of his decision? Especially if he doesn’t change his mind.

It sounds like you’re assuming if he only understood, he would keep the fish. I don’t think that’s a given.

That's a good point, to talk to R about how to deal with the consequences of the decision.

And I know it may seem that way, but it's not just about his deciding to keep the fish--it's also about his understanding my feelings about it. Realizing how it affects me. And maybe feeling some level of empathy or sympathy for that. Even if it ultimately ends up that it won't fit in the space.

I think it also would help if I could understand where it's coming from. Or at least why it matters to me, even if I can't identify "Oh, this ties to this incident when I was 8 years old." As right now, I feel sort of ridiculous that it's affecting me so much. But R does the "when did you first feel like this in your life" sort of thing. Not sure I'll/we'll be able to figure it out, but hoping so.

If I'm dying from this thing then I want to say goodbye to my transference T. I don't give a **** if its still unhealthy that I'm not over her 3 years later.

Hugs to you if wanted. I hope you're not dying...

Hurry up and engage with the arrangements for this week, I need to know what I can offer my students. The world doesn't revolve around you and your priorities. After all, I need to work to pay your exorbitant fee.

Dear T,

I admit that part of why I'm still meeting with you while sick (even though you said no-penalty cancellation) is that I could use some empathy from you and feel you'll give it. Like hopefully you'll be more gentle with me because I'm sick. I do hope we'll be able to meet in person Friday though.

Love,
LT