Long-term clients and maternity leaves

Oh! Asking to meet in person was so so difficult! She had brought up our anniversary and asked if there's anything I'd like. I said what's the point, it's not like I could see you in person. She said why not... I told her because she only works twice a week. I forget what was said after that, but we left the conversation open. I really wanted in person, and she seemed to encourage me to ask for it as if there was a chance. So I emailed asking her. I told her if she said no, I would be angry. Not for the "no", but because she encouraged me and it was so vulnerable to ask. I'm supposed to find out today. I'm super nervous. A "no" answer is going to stir up a ton of emotions.

I am hoping things are getting back on track. Last session was a step forward, not backwards.

I hope she says yes to that, Scarlet. I understand why you'd be more upset now that she encouraged you.

There was a recent thing that I asked Dr. T for (a "would this every be an option" thing), and he didn't immediately say no, said he wanted to think about it. I realized it would be worse to me if he then said "no," because it would have been after giving it thought, plus the hope that he might say yes. He did give a "yes" with conditions, but I was OK with that (and haven't taken him up on this thing yet, but it helps to know it's an option).

She said yes to meeting in person on our anniversary. But then she threw a curve ball at me: she offered me to keep the other session the day before. Now I don't know what to do. I wish she didn't say that. I'm completely split 50/50. I just want all of this pain and confusion to go away!

I found out today what L meant when she wrote that it wasn't my job to keep myself safe the entire leave. She meant both: 1. To take the leave one day at a time, therefore keep myself safe one day at a time AND 2. That I wasn't alone in keeping myself safe, that I had others to help me.

I hurt over both answers. One feels like I'm to blame, that it was my responsibility no matter what. The other feels like she's to blame for letting me down by suggesting G and for not stepping up when G didn't work out. The only thing is that I did keep myself safe the entire leave. Whether it was meant to be or not, I did it. And I did do it one day at a time. Still, I was alone. Everyone left me to do it on my own.

I feel like most people are disappointed in me for trying to continue with L. Not because I shouldn't forgive her, but because of slipping back into my attachment to her. H doesn't want me with L because she abandoned me and he doesn't ever want to see me in that pain again. Dad doesn't want me to continue because he feels that L encouraging dependency and attachment is unhealthy. And my mom doesn't want me to continue solely because the schedule doesn't really allow me to see my mom anymore. Everyone has their points.

I saw my pdoc today and told her about all the concerns. She actually was in support of me continuing therapy with her. She said to not burn bridges which is something BPD and me are good at doing. She said the only way to treat BPD is the therapy, especially focused on the relationship. She told me that I need to practice distancing myself from the emotions, like having a safe bubble around me. She also reminded me that even though it's not pur intention to hurt other, we do. She said working through the problems is important, but so is moving on. T basically said the same thing.

I feel better about my decision to keep trying with L. It's hard when you feel like everyone is disappointed in you, but I think/hope that this will work out.

Our 5 year "theraversary" was tonight. For now, all I'll say is that it was devastatingly painful. Not just crying, but bawling. Said some things that needed to be said. I think I might have got her crying at one point (don't know for sure because I wasn't making eye contact). She told me to go home and take my anxiety meds. It was rough. I feel extremely vulnerable and raw.

I will mention one thing. She mentioned kintsugi. That that is what our relationship will be like. The cracks in our foundation we'll fill with gold. You'll still see the cracks, but they'll be stronger and make our relationship more beautiful. I thought it was cool that she remembered the kintsugi from our scrapbook.

It IS kintsugi, isnt it?! Im mildly surprised your "cast of characters" so to speak don't realize that it is keeping you together with them also. Like, let HER go, but dont let US go for the same level of offenses. That is SOOOO my family! Do as we say, not as we do.

This made me realize, that when i finally did leave my t, i didnt see the crack, i saw the gold.

I'm sorry your thera-versary session was so distressing, Scarlet. Hugs to you.


I hope you'll be able to focus on the kintsugi metaphor she used.

Two steps forward, three steps back.

Our first good session! Still cried, but not sobbing or bawling. Well, until I had to say goodbye. So much connecting, so much understanding. We did two connecting activities, and we processed what happened during the time she didn't respond for two weeks and how to prevent that upset from happening. And we discussed her inconsistencies and how I have to deal with that. Oh, and we talked about her being more clear on when she'll actually reply to my emails (i.e. not saying terms like "evening" or "tonight"; being more specific like 10pm).

She also stepped up and has been helping me all week. I've been in a real crisis dealing with extreme financial problems. She's done extra sessions, phone calls, countless emails, even doing some research to help me. This week I actually feel like she's on my team.

Only took 2 months... Hopefully, no more steps backwards.

I just wanted to give an update. L and I have made a ton of progress in our relationship, moving forward, AND figuring out what happened.

The biggest thing we figured out was what triggered the abandonment. It was a text I sent when our apartment got flooded. I was trying to be small, so I told her simply that I wished she was there. She was trying to mirror me and respond that she was holding me in mind. To me, it sounded like she was brushing me off. To her, it sounded like I was missing her; not needing her. We both missed each other. And that one exchange changed the course of her whole leave and the last two months that she's been back. There are other things that we have figured out and there are more things to understand. But this was a huge ah-ha moment from last session. I'm grieving this loss that we both experienced. I could have had her support. I could have still trusted her. If only I'd stop trying to be small...

She has been super supportive lately through new traumas in my life. She's gone above and beyond for me. I know she's not doing it to prove anything AND it does prove how much she is good to me. I think with this new revelation we're going to be okay.