Couch 247: Choose Cheese!

Hugs, Scarlet. That all sounds really difficult. I imagine it feels like your father is invading your space (more than usual). Glad it will be done soon. And I hope your sister's dog is OK. Though it's disturbing that your niece hurt him/her (unless it was completely an accident or more self-defense).

With L, I imagine it will take some time to adjust and feel like you can trust her again. She also might be ready to be back to work, like she probably misses that part of her life, too. I'm glad she's still emailing you. Maybe you could ask her there how she'll be ready in 24 days, if you haven't already?

Ugh, I'm sorry, Artie. Maybe try looking for jobs, see what's out there? You can always go ahead and apply for some, see what happens. Maybe you could find something similar to what you're doing now? And keep working from home?

Hugs, Scarlet.

No harm in applying and interviewing for something new. Whilst the new stuff is open.

I've also thought your knits were great. Maybe you could also starting selling those on the side? There's always demand for jumpers and baby blankets.

Thanks, LT.

Sadly, with the dog, it wasn't an accident or self-defense. It's a french bulldog puppy. It is really disturbing and concerning.

I have asked her how she will be ready to return. She kind of answered in a roundabout way. She said that we're going to continue to use what our foundation is based on: honesty first, come as you are, etc. It was comforting, but it also wasn't reassuring because it wasn't a direct answer. Well, the answer was more about us than how she's ready.

Thanks, Artie.

Today's session was tough.
R seemingly advised me to get as much distance as humanly possible from what we ended up talking about.

It's a conversation we've had before, that I didn't expect to have again.
But if the questions persist, then the conversation is required.

I learned a great new term today in an online group of educators- crybully. I am late to the game on that one but it perfectly fits behavior we have encouraged in students and in general -society.

This is a lot to deal with, I hope the puppy will be ok!
It has always stood out to me how wonderful your relationship with L is. Of course it’s been disrupted and it’s no wonder you feel the way you do. Just wanted to say to remember to give yourself some credit for making it this far, and that you are nearly there ❤️❤️
I’d take it that she’ll be ready when she says. Assuming it’s a date of her return to work, just like any other type of leave there has to be a time frame on it, that’s all it is, otherwise it wouldn’t be a leave.

You're right. I did/do? have a wonderful relationship with L. I guess the fact that I am still holding on is evidence of that. We did make a good strong foundation for our relationship, and both of us haven't steered away from that. And she still goes beyond what is agreed upon: her emails are long emails, not short little paragraphs. I know there was/is a lot of good between us. And I guess I'm still holding hope. I think I'm just scared and hurting. I've never had someone leave (for good reasons) and come back. T came back from her maternity leave, but I didn't continue with her.

Good point about the definition of a leave. That there has to be an end date. I'll try to keep that in mind.

I think she might not know 100% “how” she will be ready and there’s a lot of variables in regards to coming back from maternity leave. Some are happy to return and some have harder time and it also depends on child care arrangements.

She does know she is coming back from leave and is preparing for it in many different ways. But she might not have a direct answer “how” as she never had that experience before. That’s why she’s focusing on “you two and your relationship” in her email conversations with you.

Of course just my opinion

My favorite new word I learned recently is “voluntold.” As in, I was voluntold to serve on this committee.

That is another good one.

Had a session with my T today. Trigger warning for health stuff

He of course wants to continue working. But since it has spread, he apparently has like a 50/50 chance to even survive 5 years, so I'm not sure how that will pan out. He did well, though he said he's not sure how to go about patients like me who have such huge abandonment fears. I might make a post later about some things that I'm currently thinking about asking for advice.
I'm coping okay, I am sad but it's kind of like I already knew for three weeks. It's more hard to see him not doing okay. Though I do think my question about what his favorite food is might have made his day a bit better (for anyone wondering, apparently some people have a soft spot for McDonalds burgers...)

In other news, I have reached out to a potential new T. He already gave me a first appointment to get to know him. I'm a bit intrigued by the "main focus: forensic psychiatry", But he does work with BPD as well as substance use and trauma, is not too far from old T, but far enough to not constantly trigger me. He's a bit younger than T, which makes me feel more at ease about issues, although I of course will still worry. He's been let in on the basics of the story too and what I want from him. I think ideally I'd want to slowly switch, and certainly have them talk at least once.

I'm sorry about your T, CNS. I can't even imagine going through that. I hope you can get all that you need from your T while he's still able to be there, and I hope this new T will be a good fit for you.

I'm so sorry your fears were confirmed, CNS. Hugs, if wanted. I'm glad he was relatively open about what's going on.

That's good you've already reached out to a new T--I hope he works out for you. Maybe you could see old T and new T at the same time for a bit? Like you said about slowly switching.

As for his main focus, mine partly has another focus (sports psychology), and he's ultimately worked out for me (despite some bumps in the road). And don't know if you watch Law and Order, but sounds like someone who would consult on there with psych cases, like determining whether someone is competent to stand trial, whether they could be considered not guilty by reason of insanity, etc.

Thank you Scarlet and LT, I think you are the two on here who probably understand the most how this feels without actually having been there.

I think after almost 7 years I got pretty good at picking up my Ts signals even if they are very subtle. Plus just observing regular stuff. So, I am not really surprised. It was actually the first thing I thought of, and it all adds up even though we talk like 0 about his issues. It's hard to explain...also since there's a language barrier, like there's some kinds of phrasings and ways of speaking that just make you know, even if you do not.


East17 has also shared some stuff and I think it's a good decision to find somebody who can at least be there if something sudden happens. I certainly do not want to just ditch my T. He has been the biggest impact in my life so far and I will forever remember him, so I don't just want to leave him all alone either.

I did not watch Law and Order, but I "love" true crime shows (as in enjoy hearing about it, it's all horrific, I don't wish any of it on anyone). My parents also used to watch things more aligned with Law and Order, so I know plenty about what it is. It's more intriguing as in it's a very different perspective. He has all the things I think I need more or less listed, and he fits with some of the stuff I need (like one other therapist I also contacted because we don't have that many has a website which still has sample text in like two categories. It's not that I miiiind, it's something that I'd even find cute if it was my current T. But if you're 40, you really need to know not to do that anymore please.)

Even though the possible new T has a different style or modality, it's the relationship that matters the most. Like how you know your current T even without words being spoken. And different could be a good thing. You're not trying to replace your T. No one could ever replace him. But a fresh perspective and learning new things is always a benefit. So I hope you can develop a good rapport with new T AND still hold onto current T.

I'm very grateful for all of you, not because of some of the small talk, but because when there's big issues, there's a collective that can share different opinions and ideas. Thank you, Scarlet.

Hugs, CNS. I'm sorry that your fears were confirmed; the situation sounds very difficult.

That's really sad news ChickenNoodleSoup and very complex for you to navigate. It sounds like part of you is responding in a very practical and rational way - wisely looking for other support elsewhere. Something I am still learning after more than a year of "losing" my therapist (not through illness or death) is that different parts have different timescales. It is has been really important for me to allow time for all aspects of me until I can arrive at a place where all bits of me are on board. Long and painful grief. Keep posting here, many of us are interested.

Does anyone here have PTSD?
My psychologist tried to test me for it last week but i sabotaged the test 🙈 She called me out and made out like my avoidance was to stop myself from the re experiencing part of ptsd. which she suggested was the emotional reaction I would have when talking or being asked about a particular event. I always thought it had to be nightmares or flashbacks ?
Anyway I was not right afterwards, drank a lot of alcohol and
I saw my T the next day and she said ‘ I have not seen you like this in a long time ‘ because I was so on edge and just a mess. I couldn’t get it out in session but managed to put it in a message after that it’s because I was called out on the ptsd test and couldn’t cope because I do not have ptsd

Does anyone have ptsd from something that happened so long ago like in childhood? Without having flashbacks? I just get really messed up if I try and talk about it which is why I don’t. That could not count surely ?

I have PTSD from being neglected and mistreated in childhood. Like you, I didn't believe it. I just assumed I had a bad childhood. Like PTSD was for (what I considered) more extreme forms of trauma. My ex-pdoc diagnosed me with PTSD without us having any conversations about it. One day, I asked L if I did have it. We did an assessment together. In the end, she explained everything to me. I wish I remember how she labeled it and what qualified me, but I don't. But I do know that after her explaining all my symptoms to me, that I did have it.

I would do the assessment honestly and try to be open to the possibility. PTSD does not simply mean nightmares or flashbacks. It shows up differently for different people and different types of trauma.

Have you had a look at the diagnostic criteria for ptsd? It might help you understand how/where/if you feel that your experience fits the ptsd label. I think this link is clear in its explanation: PTSD and DSM-5 - PTSD: National Center for PTSD

As I understand it, the re-experiencing of the trauma is key to the diagnosis. However, flashbacks are not the only way to re-experience the trauma and flashbacks can manifest in different forms. The self harm you describe might meet the emotional distress/physical reactivity type of re-experiencing stated in criterion B. It's also worth noting that criterion A states the specific kinds of trauma which a person needs to have experienced to meet the diagnosis. If you have any of these horrible events in your past (certainly including childhood), then this probably makes sense of why your psychologist is investigating in this way.

Thanks guys. Comrade, I hadn’t actually seen that one, it’s very clear, thank you.
Yes I think that’s what she meant about the re experiencing part. But I don’t know how to discuss it with her without triggering myself. I cannot cope when I am triggered. I also don’t want to discuss it and be in such a state and then not end up having ptsd because then I will feel like nobody can help me.

I also don’t want to engage In any of this because I feel like it might be a sort of pity diagnosis since I told the psychologist that I would feel like I have to !! Trigger warning !!!


Kill myself if I cannot be diagnosed. That was when they thought I had BPD and I said I would be able to accept it because it’s better than not having it and just being like this for no reason.