Couch 248: Curiouser and Curiouser

Thanks, LT.

Art is in progress.

Thanks, LT.

Making something helps.

Glad it's helping some.

No idea why I double posted - obviously not firing on all cylinders at the moment.

Did I share with you what my company gifted me for my 10-year work anniversary? It was a $125 gift card. I'll do the math for you. That works out to $12.50 per year. I didn't feel very appreciated but I did get a good laugh out of the cheapness coming from a company that had upwards of 750 million in revenue last quarter.

Ugh, I'm sorry. My H just got an email about his 15 years with the company where he could choose a gift from various options, and it was stuff like a chips and salsa bowl, a rolling backpack, and a solo stove thing that retails for $80. Like, gee, thanks! I guess they did also send him a commemorative pen. They're a major corporation with offices across the country.

Question for you all: So, I mentioned to Dr. T how I'd thought about walking into the lobby of his new space (to see what it felt like and begin to get acclimated)--it's a public building with other businesses in it, and he'll be in a suite on the second floor--I wouldn't go up there. But I wasn't sure whether he'd be OK with it. He said he'd be afraid of my running into him, and "I probably wouldn't be alone" (I assume with his wife and/or son?). How that would be very awkward. He said if i was a time he definitely wouldn't be there, he would be fine with it. And that he won't be there all day tomorrow, as he has a full day of sessions.

Do I stop by tomorrow? Or skip it? It's probably the only day that would work before my first session there, as he'll definitely be there Wednesday (moving a suitemate) and Friday (the main move), plus over the weekend setting stuff up. And I'll be out of town Tuesday through Thursday evenings anyway.

ETA: It's less than 15 minutes from me, and I may need to run an errand in the area anyway, so I wouldn't be going particularly out of my way. And I'd step into the lobby, maybe stand there a few minutes, then leave. He confirmed that there's no sort of monitored front desk there.

If the opportunity is there and it would help you, LT...go for it.

Thanks, Lost! I think I might. And I'm glad I asked Dr. T about it before trying that--I feel it would have been disastrous had I run into him and whoever he was with. Maybe that's a bit melodramatic, but at least messy.

On second thought, I might see how I feel in the morning. I do feel a bit weird about it after the discussion we had. It was pretty early in session, and I felt a bit odd the rest of session. Like maybe it would be better if I didn't go? Like, would he prefer that? And I'd feel guilty if I went, even though he gave me permission? I don't know...

Hm, I suppose I should discuss this whole thing with him in a bigger-picture sense, where if someone says something is fine, I may still feel bad/guilty. Like, that's coming from me then.

Did you get the sense he was really fine with it or were you picking up on some ambivalence from him? Perhaps he said "fine" but he was actually ambivalent or even wishing you wouldn't go there. And maybe you were able to intuit that even if it was somewhat unconscious on his part because it seems like you're pretty attuned to him (maybe even more attuned to him than he is to you).

Regardless of his intent though he did actually say it was fine, so you should go ahead and visit the office building (guilt free) if you want to!

Thanks, Inky. I was definitely picking up on some ambivalence. He had a look bordering on horror when I mentioned the idea. I'm not sure if it was about his concern that I'd run into him (especially if he were with his wife or son), or if he just felt strange and/or uncomfortable about it in general for whatever reason.

I think that's a big part of why I'm now feeling reluctant to go. If he was more like, "Of course, you can visit the building," whether in words or tone, I'd feel differently. I think with it being a public building, he felt he couldn't forbid me from visiting. But now I feel like if I go and let him know that I did, he might react strangely. And if I go and *don't* tell him, then I'll feel weird. Because we talked about it, he might ask me directly if I visited, and I wouldn't lie about it.

You're right that I could just go because he said it's OK. I'm just unsure now how I'd feel about it, if I'd end up feeling guilty anyway.

Hi LT,

Based on what you've shared about Dr. T - I would imagine that his expression 'bordering on horror' would be more to do with bumping into him with somebody else than you simply going into the room where his space is.

This is as much about your adjustment as his boundary, I think.

Is there any chance you could make a pros and cons list?

They sometimes help me when I'm really in the thick of it.

Thanks Lost. You're probably right about the look of horror being about my running into him, not my being in the space.

That's a good idea, the pros and cons list. I think the other issue right now is that it would have been easier to stop by when I was in the area anyway. Today, I have an errand to run, but it's about 15 minutes away from there. I guess it feels weirder to me specifically driving there rather than it being on my way home.

The other thing is, what if I step in there and hate how it feels for some reason? I mean, it would just be the lobby, not his office. But maybe it would make me feel even worse about the move. Whereas if I was stepping in there for the first time just before my session, then at least I could talk to Dr. T right after.

OK, I think I have my answer. I suppose a pro would be that it would like how it feels or at least would be more prepared for when I go there. But I don't know that it's worth the risk.

I think I might use the pros and cons list for whether to meet him in person vs. virtual tomorrow though.

Dr. T probably hasn’t gotten a request like that yet, so it might be why he answered the way he did. But you have been working together for so long now he shouldn’t have been surprised by your requests especially since you’ve been discussing the move. I wouldn’t be particularly worried if the therapist really doesn’t want you to, even though he said it’s fine if it’s a day he’s not there. I would personally be more worried about walking into a lobby and then people thinking I’m weird for not having a set destination in there at the time. You could of course just be like “Darn! Wrong day I’m supposed to be here if there is a front desk or security guard or something. I don’t know. 🤷🏻*♀️

Thanks, Jersey, those are good points. I also get the sense that other clients aren't particularly bothered by the move (well, some of his clients are virtual only). So I doubt any other client would think to do that--though I could see them driving by the building if they're unfamiliar with the area so they know where to go.

I did confirm that there's no front desk, as that was also something stopping me. I figure if there are random people in the lobby, I could just dig through my purse like I'm looking for something, then head back outside like I left an item in my car. (I mean, I've done that enough times anyway!)

It's a public building with a lobby which is fully accessible by the public. It's not his space and you don't need his permission to enter it, nor do you need a cover story to explain your reasons for being there. It seems positive to me that you have thought of doing something which could help your anxiety, it shows agency and self-management. It would be different if you were planning on sitting outside his room staring at the door, but you aren't. I feel a bit sad for you that you haven't been fully supported in the strategy.

Work vent, feel free to skip.

What is the sodding point of having a student showcase on a day when the senior staff are unable to attend?

Surely it would make more sense to have it on a day when people can recognise and celebrate their achievements.

That does seem stupid, Lost! And vent away.

Thanks, and you make good points here. I actually thought he'd consider it a good idea for the same reason, which is part of why his response threw me so much. It made me think of how he helped me with my agoraphobia early in the pandemic, where I was taking small steps, like standing at the door, then standing on my porch, then just sitting in my car.

Well, I ended up deciding to drive over there this morning. There was one person coming in at the same time, and I waved him off when he offered to hold the elevator. There are also offices on the first floor, so I just wandered in that direction.

And apparently, he's now considering himself part of some Wellness group, like it's listed as "[Dr. T's last name] Wellness," with the other clinicians (including a couple names I didn't know) listed underneath. What's funny is his first name is misspelled (do I tell him this? It''s an electronic sign, so I assume easily fixable by the building management).

Seems like a nice building, newer and cleaner than the old one. I was only there a few minutes. I felt OK. And feel better about seeing him there now, so I'm glad I went.