Couch 248: Curiouser and Curiouser

Brilliant, Una.

That's a great overview!

My latest adventure in poetry is writing Ekphrastic poems. I've only ever written one, I think, which is the one I just wrote earlier today haha. It's a new form for me and I do enjoy learning new forms! ("If ekphrasis is the art of writing about art, then ekphrastic poetry is poetry inspired by other creative works. Art, sculpture, architecture, film, television, and even dreams are all fertile material for the ekphrastic poem." from writers.com.) I'm sure @@ can provide the origination of the word ekphrasis!

There is probably not a limit to what’s discussed if you signed release unless there was something specific in the release. I understand the feeling of being blindsided that they spoke, though. When I was in therapy and also seeing a psychiatrist for medication-I didn’t sign it-simply because there was no therapy involved with the psychiatrist at all. I just update the therapist on dose changes if there were any. One time she said “Your doses are really high” and I simply told her it’s not her area.

In today's session, I read out loud a thank-you note I'd written to Dr. T's office space (he's moving in a week). He seemed touched by it (and laughed in the spot where I tried to be funny). I have two more potential sessions in the current office, and I know he's concerned I'll be upset by them (as more things will be gone, but probably more for the second session). But I feel that I want to be there.

He's open to being very flexible with me, switching to virtual or even canceling entirely at the last minute (well, not sure how last-minute he'd be OK with cancellation), which I appreciate. We've tied the office move into various things in my current and past life, plus anxiety (including lack of control), and I feel it's been helpful discussion overall. I also don't want to just hide from something (virtual or canceling) because it could be painful. That's like what my mom would have me do.

Thinking I at least want to attend the Sunday session in person (it's weird scheduling, as he's overseeing a suitemate move Wednesday and moving himself and the rest of the office space Friday). Probably Tuesday in person, and Thursday has to be virtual. It's so hard to know what will be the right choice. I suppose there is no right choice.

Scarlet, I had some issues with this, too. I had an agreement signed to allow ex-T and ex-MC to speak about me. Ex-T would always ask, like, "is it OK if I tell [then-MC] about x?" and if I said no, she wouldn't. I mistakenly assumed that ex-MC wasn't telling her stuff. Then, around when we terminated with him, he mentioned, "Oh, I often filled ex-T in." It made me feel betrayed--I though ex-T would have mentioned it?

There was another time where I guess I'd allowed ex-MC to communicate with Dr. T, though very limited. I thought when I stopped seeing ex-MC, that expired. And then, when I emailed ex-MC about something, he BCCed Dr. T in his reply. I only found out because I said something to Dr. T about his response, and he said, "Oh, yeah, he replied yesterday afternoon, right?" And I was like, "I'm sorry, what? How did you know that?" So I then revoked that privilege.

There was also a time when Dr. T told then-p-doc about something going on with me (I'd given permission), and she kind of interrogated me on it in the next session, which upset me. I think I then ended there ability to talk, after telling Dr. T it bothered me that he hadn't let me know.

There's also an option on the forms to say they can only communicate about a very specific thing. So you could possibly only let your p-doc and L communicate about your medication, for example. Or just remove their ability to communicate entirely, if that will feel better.

So sorry this is so hard on you, LT.

Loss of a former safe space is no small thing.

I know you will still have the same T, but this really socks.

Yeah i never thought of haiku as "capturing a moment". Good to go back to the basics sometimes!

L has told me that from now on she will tell me when she talks to another provider and the basics of what she'll say.

The problem was that L disclosed to Pdoc about the whole leaving out "items" situation AND that my SI was one of the worst she's seen me at. Okay, the "items" was not a disclosure I wanted. Pdoc has already told me I overreact on other things, and of course she did on this. Plus the whole thing is just embarrassing for me. The SI stuff, I understand updating Pdoc. I wish she would have warned me because when I got in there, I was threatened with IOP and hospitalization. Would have been nice to be prepared for that.

It will probably be good to just take it one session at a time. Like if you already made the decision to have the Sunday session in person..you don’t have to decide about the Tuesday session until after you see where the Sunday session leads. You never know. You might get what you need out of the in person session on Sunday. You can balance it. Like probably the virtual session in between the old office and new office would be good. Instead of doing in person, in person, in person then boom! In person the next time at the new office. I don’t know if what I’m typing makes sense. It makes sense in my head but I don’t know if it translated like that on here.

Scarlet, thats bogus that your pdoc would threaten you for something that happened weeks ago! Plus, not sure threaten was the most supportive action she could choose. Jersey is right, not their strong suit!

Thanks, Lost. It helps that you understand He said early this week, "I'm surprised about how hard this has been for you." I told a good friend that, and she replied, "Does he know you? I knew this would be hard for you." He seems to get it now.

Ugh, I'm sorry. Sounds like you were blindsided.

It makes me think of another time where I met with my then-pdoc, who was in the same practice as ex-MC and ex-T (neither were "ex" at the time!), and she implied that they'd all talked and thought I should do IOP. Which felt like a big betrayal, like, they were all talking about me without saying anything to me first? When I talked to T after that, she said she hadn't agreed with the IOP thing.

Thanks, Jersey. It makes sense! That's what I'm thinking right now, to take it one at a time. I thought that going in today, like if I felt satisfied today--or so distressed that I didn't want to come back--then I could just do the next two virtually. Right now, I intend to go to Sunday's, then see how I feel. Part of why I wanted to read the thank-you today was so I'd have that done with, in case I opted not to come in person. Dr. T said I could have read it virtually, but it wouldn't have felt the same.

The last session next week will have to be virtual because he'll be packing that day and only seeing clients for half the day, all virtually. I also think maybe it could help me to do the first new office session virtually, so I can see what it looks like inside and be prepared when I come in. He also said he may not have everything set up in the office yet, which could be another reason to wait.

LT - Could he maybe take pictures for you of the new office? L does that for me every time something changes. Like every time. It's extremely helpful to prepare for the space and not get overwhelmed.

Thanks, Scarlet. I did ask about pictures before. But I know it's all still being put together. I asked at one point if he could send me a photo or two the day before or morning of when I'm first coming in, but he never really said if he would. I have seen the outside of the building and driven past it (it's near another area where I frequent), but of course that doesn't give me a sense of what it's like inside.

I do think having my first session in the new office as virtual could be the best option, as then he can turn his computer to show me what it looks like. Plus my whole sensitivity to paint fumes.

Perhaps I am getting sentimental in my middle age, but I find it touching that we witness all kinds of changes, troubles, and feelings on this forum amongst our members. It feels quite meaningful that we hear about the office moves, ruptures, endings, new therapists, etc as they unfold along the way. I know about the inner workings of other people's therapy, people on the other side of the world who I have never met, and that feels extraordinary in a way.

Yes, Comrade.

The Internet is many things, but in these communities, we can really come to be there for one another...and that means a huge amount.

Not to get soppy, but I read something a few days ago that resonates in this context.

'We can't save people, but we can love them.'

(I know the L word is loaded for many people, but it takes many forms.)

It's an honour to walk around in someone else's story for a while...and I suppose that's why some people become therapists.

Thanks for bringing that up, and reminding us of what's really important.

Lost

On a less sentimental note, LT is it possible to make a bit of room (pardon the pun) for feelings other than anxiety, dread, apprehension about the office move? I don't mean this to minimise the emotional disturbance you feel now because I think it points to really important stuff, but anxiety so often dwarfs other feelings and will muscle out other possibilities. On a really basic level, the physiological effects of anxiety (racing heart and breath, butterflies, agitation, etc) can also indicate excitement and anticipation and sometimes I think we ascribe anxiety when something else might be happening as well. I don't mean that you are incorrect in how you feel or that you should look on the bright side (ugh), but I imagine that you might have the capacity to feel curious and interested about the room as well as anxious. I think I mean something like seeing the whole picture of your emotions rather than allowing anxiety to have a reductive impact.

I've thought of something similar, too. This forum has often made me feel less alone. And I like being able to support others, along with receiving support. And just hear about others' experiences.

I especially appreciate the Couch, because one of my 'things' is an inability to find the 'right words'.

I don't need them here - thank you all.

Thanks, Comrade. I am a bit curious as to how he'll opt to decorate the office, though he said it should have a very similar feel to it with many of the same items. (I was afraid he'd opt for some totally different theme/vibe.) I doubt the fish will make the cut, but maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised.

And I think if this all goes OK, like if I adjust in a relatively short period of time and realize he's the same person (some may say that's a negative!) and that the therapeutic relationship is the same, maybe it will help me understand that this sort of change isn't the end of the world and that I'm capable of handling such things (as life is full of change).

That was a terrible sentence, but hopefully my point comes across! Also, aside from the initial conflict about the fish, Dr. T has been very patient with me and supportive about the move, despite having plenty of his own stress about it. I forget whether I shared this, but he said the other day that he feels like he's an ship captain in the 1800s trying to steer the ship through a hurricane. How I'm on the ship, as well as other clinicians (like R) who are moving with him (and presumably other clients, though he didn't mention them). But he's the only one who can steer it, and he only has some control. It helped that he shared that. Made it feel more like we're in it together, plus acknowledging his own stress (without diminishing mine).

L told me that fear and excitement come from the same part of the brain.

That's interesting, Scarlet.

Makes a lot of sense.

That’s very interesting. I didn’t know that.

My office chair was falling apart so I went shopping for a new one this morning. I found them 60% off at Office Max so I was able to get a heck of a good deal on a much better chair than I expected to buy!! Just finished putting it together. I do not have to worry about my chair breaking underneath me anymore haha. That old one was getting quite rickety. Nothing is made to last anymore; you kids get off my lawn. ha. (It was bonus week on my paycheck yesterday, plus I had like 4 hours of overtime, so it was a no-brainer.)