Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

Thanks LT.

Even if tirzepatides are the answer, I still have to take my path through doctors. And right now my insurance denied me seeing a reproductive endocrinologist which is the only doctor who might prescribe me ovulation meds. That's if I'm even a candidate anymore. They might only let me do IVF and I'm not sure I want to go that route.

But do you see how useful it would be to have someone to talk this through with? Thank you for understanding why I can't talk to L.

Scarlet, I think maybe you could try to talk to L about your having/not having children despite the fact that she’s pregnant. Or that’s just uncomfortable because you feel you lost trust in her? I get it that it feels she doesn’t understand but maybe she could? We can’t be in other people’s shoes fully but we can reach some levels of understanding

Your posts read as such a toxic relationship... I imagine most women understand that yearning to want a child and not be able... That was my experience of infertility... Feelings are universal and not just associated to one issue such as infertility..... Therapy isn't really something where things can be boxed off.. Everything connects to everything.. What do you think you really get from this relationship?

My whole life, all I wanted was to be a mom. I even tried getting pregnant as a teenager. Stupid, I know. I don't want to get into my sexual history, but I'll say that I tried to get pregnant a few other times before H. I knew by the time I was with H, something was wrong with me. Even with H, 19 years, not one pregnancy.

I say all of that because it's been my dream, my purpose on this earth to be a mom. That is not L. She wants children, yes, but it not her primary focus in life. It's not her purpose. I don't mean it's not a priority now, just dream-wise, that wasn't the most important goal for her. I thought she wouldn't get pregnant first month with the last one. She did. And now she got pregnant without even trying. She doesn't understand the toil infertility takes on you. She doesn't understand what it's like to lose your whole purpose in life. Or to even lose a dream. L has a very good life. She has tons of purpose and has met many of her dreams. She just can never understand being CNBC. I wanted to work through this with her before she started trying to have children. I knew if she did have a child, it would put us miles apart, just like with everyone else. And it has. And the way she did it this time...

I just truly don't believe she can even closely understand. Just like I cannot ever understand what it's like, pros and cons, to be a parent. Just like I can never know what one of her major griefs is like. I can feel for her, but I can never understand.

I am so sorry Scarletpimple.

I had a phone session with L tonight. So far, I think I'm taking it in. I hope I can hold onto it because it really felt good in the moment. Everything was good. I wish my memory worked better. We talked about our foundation and what I need from her (like admitting she does not understand things like my infertility). And she told me how she loves me.

Am I stupid that I'm thinking of telling her about the new events about the infertility on Tuesday? I need her to know if she is going to remain my therapist. I need help and support through this. And if she won't pretend to understand, at least I will feel more respected. I don't know. I really don't know. If none of this happened, I would tell her. And she says she's still herself. Do I try to trust her with such a sensitive and vulnerable thing? Or do I keep trying to work through the hurt first?

I guess, depending on if I can hold tonight's session in mind and heart, it will tell me whether I'm going forward or if I went backwards again. And if I go backwards, then it's probably not wise to open up to her yet.

I'm sorry she's not able to understand you..

Today was one of the worst sessions ever. I walked out on her... And she didn't even care about my safety. I had to drive 45mins bawling. And she didn't care.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet... Hugs, if wanted. Do you want to talk more about what happened? Feel free to PM if you don't want to share it all on here.

H left her messages. Instead of being concerned for me, she emailed me a letter to him as to why she cannot talk to him.

Ugh, I'm sorry. I guess she's trying to follow the rules of HIPAA, but I understand how that would feel uncaring. If he's saying he's concerned for your safety, she could at least potentially reach out to you.

I think you could choose to consent to her talking to him, in a legal sense, if you wanted that. Also, as I understand it, he can tell her things (like in a phone call or voicemail), but without your permission (may need to be in writing or at least like over email), she can't say anything to him about what's going on with you. But she could listen to him say he's worried about your, or something like that.

I’m sorry you are distressed. She can’t speak with your husband about you unless you’ve given explicit permission to do so.

If you want to speak to her about what is going on, you probably need to call her directly.

If you are unsafe, is it time to consider hospitalization?

I know you don’t want to do that, but if you are in that severe a crisis, it might be the right option so they can help you stabilize, particularly if working with your therapist is not a healthy option.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet. Safe hugs if wanted.

Oh, I already knew she couldn't talk to my H because I have never given her permission to do so. H has been told this many times. My problem was that instead of writing to me and being concerned about me, she wrote him a letter to my email that I could choose to send to him.

I was able to talk to her. She said she was concerned about me, but she also didn't want to overreact. However, she said she was more concerned about why I was upset than my safety because I have a "good safety plan".

Do I need the hospital? Truthfully, I think many times these past few weeks I probably should have went. Especially one day, when I decided to take a break, H was going to take me. L called minutes before leaving and was able to calm me down.

I have not been stable. It's coming out in all ways even physically: headaches, eye twitching, shaking, hair loss, horrible sleep. Right now, I need for L and I to just stop hurting each other. I'm so exhausted from the pain. She said I have burnt out from the stress. But nothing seems to be getting better. I don't know what to do. I don't want a break and I don't want to leave her, but nothing is working. I don't even know how to express myself to her anymore. It's like I'm being triggered by anything and everything.

I just need everything to stop.

I am so sorry you are having so much trouble with this issue that your therapist is able to get pregnant and have a baby. I know its hard to know one or the other in a relationship is unable to do what comes naturally for another. especially when its been a life long dream.

you cant control whether your therapist expands her family and when and how. but there are things you can do for you.

have you thought about adoption. there are so many children in this world in need of families, parents. sure you wouldnt be birthing them through your body complete with the pain, stress, weight gain, morning sickness, nor the hours of labor, nor the joys of pregnancy but adopted children are your children to love and nurture all their lives just like any other child. taking care of and loving a child is no different whether they come from your body or someone elses.

for adoption its relatively easy. you become a foster parent, take classes with department of childrens services and after they have done a background check on your home and family they place a foster child in your care. you love and nurture that child throughout the process of their being placed in your home first as a foster and then as the case turns towards adoption and then through the adoption. if you let the caseworker know that you only want to foster children that are adoptable they will only place children in your home who are going through the termination of parental rights and adoption process, not the reunification with bio parent process.

have you thought about IVF? thats where parents first go though physicals to see where the reproductive problem is. sometimes the problem areas can be corrected with diet exercise, and other options too.

sometimes the problem areas are happening in /for both in the relationship, sometimes its one or the other, sometimes a couple trying to have a baby are just unable to get the cycle timing correct.

getting cycles to match is quite hard because the egg viability is different than its male counterpart. and theres only a three day span each month where conception can happen. even with those with no reproductive issues.

anyway, in IVF the mother is implanted with fertilized eggs (fertilized either from both in the relationship or through donors) and like normal carries that fetus and give birth to the baby. again, caring and loving and nurturing an IVF child is no different than having a child nature's way.

you know you cant control what your therapist does with her body, she doesnt even have to disclose to you whether she is planning or not planning a pregnancy. that's all part of this thing called right to choose. and reproductive rights many women are fighting for now

women should always have a right to their own bodies, what happens to them/ with and for their bodies including their reproduction rights.

if you really want to have a baby there are ways you can have a baby. talk with your doctors and husband (or wife) and just decide which route is best for you.

then work towards that. some ways take longer than others but in todays world its not an impossibility anymore like say 50 years ago. you just need to find the route that works for your body and family.

good luck and please try to understand that your T having a baby is about her body and her own reproduction rights. Im sorry that this is a problem for you because of your history but it really is her own reproduction rights.

maybe its time to let this T go since you and this T seem to constantly have problems. (evidenced by your posting history) and find a therapist who will have stronger boundaries on what they share with you about their personal life and body.

'Why can't you just cut ties?' It sounds almost as though you are trauma-bonded to her. That sounds like a pretty extreme thing to say, and I'm sorry if it feels too much. But you have said yourself that you feel she has used your love for her, against you. She does things which hurt you, then drops a few crumbs to hook you back in. Does that sound right?

I know you are worried that you won't feel able to build a trusting relationship with another therapist enough to do trauma work again, and it definitely isn't the easy option. However, you acknowledge that you do need therapy and you don't feel as though you can go through this again with her pregnancy and the maternity leave, then reduced availability and probably unreliability on her return. Which sounds the worst option?

Just a few thoughts which may or may not be helpful. E x

Great post by amandalouise.

I would also add it seems like you have a lot of love to give plus a good deal of time and mental energy on your hands each day. Therefore, maybe finding a direction for your energy that can help you heal and also give you purpose (distraction) could be helpful. One thought I had was that you could apply to be a mentor to kids in need of support. There are organizations such as this in California: BE A MENTOR - Big Brothers Big Sisters of Greater Los Angeles

Often, redirecting ourselves towards an outward goal, especially one helping others, can lift our mood and give us purpose and direction. Of course it's not a substitute for having a bio child or fostering/adopting, but it is something you can do right now to get involved with the lives of kids or young people who truly need help and support.

Something like this could redirect at least some of your energy away from this horribly toxic therapy dynamic (and navel gazing) and focus it on something that could be more beneficial, empowering, and life changing for a kid and for yourself. Not as a substitute for therapy, but in addition to therapy...so that all of your energy isn't focused on just therapy and your therapist. This could take some of the power that therapy (and your T) hold over you and put it back in your hands.

Plus, if you're eventually going to go the foster and/or adoption route it could be extremely helpful to have some volunteering and youth mentoring experience first.

What a great suggestion, inky. A friend of mine doesn’t have children and no nieces no nephews. She volunteered at recreation center tutoring some kids for awhile. But no credentials were required. It was just basic ABCs. Now she volunteers at local elementary school. She finds it very rewarding. I don’t pretend to think it’s the same as having your own kids, but my friend finds it very rewarding. Oh yeah big brother big sister is common here too.
There’s domestic abuse shelter by me and they always want volunteer working with children.

I admit that some of the comments about volunteering instead bothered me, too, even though I know they were well-intended. It's like when my T will suggest going for a walk or watching a funny movie/TV show if I'm struggling. When what I want in that moment is to have my pain validated, some empathy.

It's like I need to have that validation first. If it's something really major, like what this is for Scarlet, I may need to grieve first and come to a place of acceptance before I'm ready to think of other options that would be a second or third or fourth choice for me. To face a new reality for my future.