Struggling with my therapist's pregnancy

Excellent point, LT.

In an ideal world, validation ought to always precede (sp?) distraction.

I'm sorry for offending anyone with my post.

Do you think I'm stupid and don't know what these things are or that I didn't consider them. Just because they exist doesn't mean I can or want to do them. Comments made here like "Have you thought of adoption" are extremely insensitive and insulting. It just shows that you don't understand infertility or how it can affect a person.

Maybe you (whoever needs to) should read up on CNBC. It's actually World Childless Week this week. There are many good reads on worldchildlessweek.net.

Yes, I have thought of adoption. It's not as easy as signing up and getting a child. It is an option my H and I considered, but to pay an insane amount of money up front and then have money for the child...

I do not wish to do fostering. It's not right for me and my H right now. For many reasons, but a main one is that I don't want to get attached to a child thinking one day they might be my own, to have them taken away.

I could look into Big Brother/Big Sister. But that's not where I'm at right now.

I used to volunteer at the hospital in the maternity ward until a baby died and I heard the mother wailing. Her grief was just too much for me.

Yes, I know what IVF is. But IVF isn't simple either. It takes a lot put of you physically, mentally, financially. IVF and adoption cost about the same amount.

And while I'm confirming recent comments, yes L's body, L's rights. I think I've already said that twice here? I guess it would be good for all of you to know that I believe no child is a mistake. They are all gifts from God. And besides my other feelings and thoughts, I want L to be happy and have a fulfilling life. Just because I can't have my dreams doesn't mean I want someone, especially someone I love, to not have their dreams.

And lastly, my issue with infertility is NOT the only issue. There are SO many things that are affecting me. Let's say I could have a child of my own. This situation would still be upsetting to me.

LT, I know you took your post down, but I appreciated it.

I went through fertility.. I'm also an adoptee so NO becuse of my awful experience growing up adoption wasn't going to work for me... I had a sonthrough ovarian dissection which can only be done once.. Then when he was 3 after fertility injections every day for 2 weeks I got pregent with twins... Went for a 3 month scan and they had died inside me... Waited a year and begin treatment again and got pregnant with twins again.. They're in they're 30s now.. Being adopted I felt robbed both ends... Had no real parents and no children.. Thank who ever it worked for me... But there were no soft options to replace any of this.. The psi of loss over the first twins.. Man that hurt... I understand no one can ever rely get what I went through... But when told "oh well you can adopt"... That lights my fuse... Children aren't a commodity.. Adopted Children aren't there to fix us... No other child is there to fix us. Thankfully my T listened to my pain...

How is it going now Scarlet? Did you get to work through what caused you to walk out ?
Just wanted to say I could tell you weren’t looking for any advice or opinions on your infertility, more so the fact that you can’t deal with it in therapy right now. Sorry that things are so hard ❤️

Thank you for sharing TR and I'm sorry for your loses.

Thanks Ana.

Yes. I'm not looking for infertility advice. I know my options and I know what will and won't work for my family. The only reason I talk about my infertility is because it is a factor in why I'm having a hard time with L. Their comments just showed how much they didn't understand infertility.

I actually do not know why I walked out. It's like I blocked out the entire session. The only things I remember are one of her therapists put a new desk in her office and she didn't warn me which triggered my anxiety and her anxiety for me. Then she forgot our greeting hug because of her anxiety which triggered me even more. And for the rest of the session I was frozen. But I don't know why I walked out.

I had a phone session with her Wednesday which went well. We talked about something she was vague with me about. And then I had an in-person double session yesterday. I actually was able to tell her about all my infertility news: something insensitive my mom said, insurance denying me to see a reproductive endocrinologist, and H's lab results. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about telling her. On one hand, I wish I didn't. She didn't deserve to know. Or I don't want her to feel better in anyway because she helped me. But the release from crying, just having someone be with me in it, someone who just listened... it was so needed. It's really heavy carrying all of this alone. But she didn't pretend to understand and she listened and asked questions. She was comforting.

But now I hurt more and am conflicted. How good yesterday felt makes how bad what we're going through seem even bigger. There's such a contrast. And the conflicted part is how do I go forward with all this pain and while also carrying yesterday's good? The both/and is just so big. It's so confusing. My brain and heart are just overwhelmed.

Right now, we're a baby step forward. My next real time contact will be Sunday or Monday. We'll be discussing the other the she was vague with me about. Not looking forward to that conversation. I have a bad feeling that that isn't going to turn out well.

Yes and I know everyone meant well ❤️ I can’t say I really understand infertility myself but took it that what you want and need is to be able work through the difficult feelings / grief with L and that is complicated right now
I am glad you were able to offload some of the weight. I would imagine you don’t want her to think all is ok now when it’s not?
Both/and is always a really hard one for me to grasp too! I guess it’s the black and white thinking.

It is so complicated! And confusing.

I know that she knows that everything is not okay. We confirm that with our hugs and many other times. She still knows that me leaving, permanently or for a break, is still on the table.

In fact, my pdoc put in a referral for me to see a therapist in her company. I got an email yesterday saying I wasn't a fit and so they gave me another referral. That referral said they had no openings. But with the last referral they listed what my pdoc said about me. She said I was a "complicated" patient. 1. Ouch! That's pretty harsh and judgemental. 2. I'm sure therapists look at that and go "no thanks".

I'm so sorry you're navigating this, Scarlet.

I'm amazed that they would put information like that on a document that you would see.
It's not good for anyone's confidence to think 'Oh, great...X thinks I'm complicated.'

We're all complicated in our own ways, and it sucks that the notion would be a barrier to some therapists.

It's a different situation, but I'm sure I've been passed over for jobs because I have to tick the disability box for physical health reasons.

Sending hugs,

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm glad your pdoc is trying to do referrals. I'm sorry about the "complicated" comment and understand why it would hurt.

Could it help to think of it in the sense that your pdoc wants to find a therapist who is skilled enough to give you the support you need? Rather than someone who might see you a few times, then terminate because they feel out of their depth. Like some T's want to just work with, say, people who feel a little anxious in social situations or are have a relatively mild stretch of depression. And/or might not be willing to do any outside contact or meet more than once a week.

I say this as someone called "complicated" by my own T recently. In the context, it made sense, and I felt almost positive about him saying it. This was maybe a month ago, in talking about trying to figure out whether I'm bipolar 2, borderline, both, or neither. I said something about not fully fitting the criteria for either (but some of both). And Dr. T said, smiling, in an affectionate tone, "You're complicated, Lonesome Tonight." (like using my full real name).

I'm not sure if this helps at all! I'm just saying how it's not necessarily a critical thing. I still don't think your pdoc should have worded it that way or that the T should have told you about it. Do you feel you could ask your pdoc about it?

My T used the term "complex," and although it's similar, it somehow sounds better to me than complicated. In fact, I take a little bit of pride in it. Yep, that's right, I am definitely not simple. But then again, he also called me "challenging," and I was oddly proud of that too. So maybe I'm just ornery.

I’d try to think of it in terms of comparing to physical illness. Like if you have a complicated stomach or kidney or spine issue. Technically it shouldn’t be that different from mental illness, that could be also complicated. I know it feels different because mental health is always viewed in a negative light but I’d try to keep it in the overall “health concern”. Mental and/or physical is health concern, and it could be complicated.

I was thinking the very same as LT!
My T also says I am complex and yes that feels a bit politer than complicated but same thing I would think. She says it kindly and that she likes a challenge. Some Ts do and some don’t. So your pdoc is probably trying to find the right match for you. But I can see why it would hurt to hear it like that.

I guess I read more as I'm a problem or am difficult to deal with.

You all are right. It could be to find me the right therapist. And it doesn't have to be an insult. I think like what Divine said, I see it in a negative light because that's how mental health is viewed. And I do remember my insurance trying to find a therapist for me on their own, and no one was a fit for me.

Another step backwards today. I'm so angry and pissed. She's punishing me for her shortcomings. Even if it's considered an "over-promise", taking something away is still a punishment.

What did she take away? Try not to see it as punishment whatever is that she’s doing or not doing,

Taking things away may feel like punishment but it’s not necessarily the case. Sometimes a course correction is needed. Could that be the case? Can you explain?

She's the one who suggested requesting goodnight texts because she knows every time we talk at night, I really like her saying goodnight to me. Goodnight texts are easy. Just a simple goodnight.

I sent her a text at 6pm on Thursday asking for a goodnight. She didn't get it until Friday morning. She said she would do the goodnight text Friday night. I stayed up until midnight waiting. No text until 4:30am. She explained to me why and how she's going to fix it. 1. She's no longer going to send it at night/bedtime, but late afternoon/early evening. 2. She wants me to text asking in the afternoon (like I did on Thursday, but she didn't get it). I forget what 3 was. So I no longer get texts at bedtime. I also run the risk of her not getting the text so I won't get a response at all. These things are to help her, but she's disgusting it as helping me. It doesn't help me. In fact #2 makes it almost pointless. She has missed a ton of texts I write in the afternoon. If I'm asking, there's a good reason I'm asking. I'm not asking for tomorrow, I'm asking for that night.

I'm just so tired of this. And then she corrected me on something which either she did say and I didn't hear or she truly didn't say it. She supposedly said she has dinner at 7pm. When I told her I don't know her schedule, she rudely said that she already told me.

Everything on the call was combative. She wasn't listening. She was defensive. Even when I told her how bad things are for me, she gave me 3 examples of things that have helped. I felt that was dismissive of my pain.

Just everything she does triggers me. I don't care if it's me, her, both of us. I'm so tired of this suffering.