[MuddyBoots]

I'm kinda convinced I was just dropped as a patient or given up on or something along those lines. I'm supposed to see my therapist and case manager weekly through assertive community treatment. Last time I had an appointment with my case manager was December 16th. I saw my T after kinda making her feel bad (she called to cancel, I knew because every time she calls within an hour of an appointment it's to cancel, so when I answered the phone and she asked how I was doing I went all drama queen on how I was hit the night before in some dude's apartment and cried in his bathroom and I think my meds are making me seriously sick, etc. so instead of a straight up cancel she saw me a couple days later for like 20 minutes). But since the beginning of November I've seen her twice not even for real appointments. I was supposed to see her today, but I started driving and just kinda pulled over at a pond just knowing I'd get there and she wouldn't see me or even be there. Back home now, never got a call asking if I was coming in or anything and it's past the time the appointment would be over, so I'm going to assume I wasn't missed and won't be next week or the week after or the week after and I'm going to assume that I should just think the only treatment I'm getting is medication (that's kinda making it impossible for me to function but at least I'm consistently not functioning instead of sometimes functioning and sometimes not. Consistency and boring, those are the goals. I don't have boring, but I have consistent(ly in crisis) under the belt).

I know I'm still on their team, I see the nurse every day so she watches me take that stupid fking shyt that makes me want to stab everything that moves especially my own lungs jeez I see the rise and fall and I'd probably feel more settled if I were still using meth instead of Depakote and feel like I'm in some far off galaxy and I'm like 70% sure she's not a nurse and it's not a mental health center and all those periods I'm blacked out for they're probably doing something to me I wouldn't approve of and that's why she's so incessant on me taking the AS NEEDED medication every day that made me full on delirious for the two weeks the injection was in my system. But, still, my case manager is getting my hopes up for other places to live while simultaneously sabotaging them for me, and my therapist likes waiting until I'm already there to call and say she can't see me.

[Yaowen]

Just read your post and want to tell you how very, very sorry I am that you are in that distressing situation. Sounds so utterly heartbreaking!

[MuddyBoots]

I was pretty on the spot with my therapist: she ain't a therapist now