L’s Maternity Leave

I get what you mean about a "safe space," as some places I once considered safe feel less safe now for various reasons. But I've heard that for both that and the safe space for EMDR, it doesn't have to be a real-life space. It could be thinking of what might feel safe to you, like an ideal place that you've dreamed of being or someplace from a book or movie, say. Though I guess that wouldn't work for you in the sense that it would have to be tied to trust. I wonder if it could just be something like snuggling with one of your dogs, say? Where it's about a feeling, not a particular place?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over this.

Yes, I think I can draw up a feeling of safety with like a scene. Like you mentioned: cuddling with dogs. Interesting too, all the safe scenes are about touch: holding hands with L or cuddling with H or the dogs. I think those are the only real safety I feel. In any other moment or with anyone or any place else, I only feel degrees of safety. Like I don’t even feel my home is completely safe. I still haven’t updated my address with DMV for fear my sister will get it. And then when H and I fight, my home becomes a trap. So I only feel safety with very specific situations.

I don’t know if I updated about the therapist during L’s leave who told my insurance she’d be my therapist. She never contacted me again and I have yet to contact her. H wants me to sue her. I was contemplating reporting her to her supervisor or the board. After some thought, I’ve decided I will do none of those things. I don’t believe in an eye for an eye. I don’t believe hurting that therapist will teach them a lesson or make me feel better. But what she did was very wrong. She crossed a boundary and I feel I need for her to know she harmed me.

H also wants me to sue our insurance. I’m on the fence about that. My only fear would be them kicking us off. I found a lawyer who sues insurance companies. I need to write them and see what my options are.

I'm sorry it's come to this, Scarlet.
I feel you've made the right decision in not 'going after' the interim T.

Suing the insurance company seems drastic and risky to me.
As tenuous as your sense of safety feels right now, I don't think it's worth risking it further.

Wishing you courage in the choices that you make.

i agree with what Lost said, Scarlet. I think suing the insurance would be risky, especially as they ultimately decided in your favor regarding being able to see T. The other thing is, I imagine you'd have to pay a lawyer in order to sue. And I agree also that it's probably not worth doing anything regarding that other therapist now.

Yeah. That’s my gut feeling and fear. The last thing I want is to jeopardize my SCA with L. And if my insurance did kick me off, I bet it would be a hell of a time getting a new insurance to do a SCA for L if I even could.

Today’s session was a lot of fun and a little bit hard. Started with quick check in. Connecting question: describe something you’re ocd about. That was pretty funny. I showed her a childhood book that I love. Then we dipped our toes into talking about the decade I spent deep into gaming. That was the hard part. It triggered something I didn’t realize. We did breathing to help me calm. Did self care plan. Did would you rather question. And then goodbyes.