L’s Maternity Leave

Session was really good today! We talked some about a goal being able to process triggers before reacting to them. And part of that is identifying warning signs (freeze, no eye contact, pushing away), identify the trigger, and then get clarity on the situation asap. That even though letting me express my emotions and use grounding to get back into my widow helps, the pain and unwanted behaviors (pushing away) might be avoided if things are clarified first.

We also talked about the ball. We’re going to both think on the choices and decide on Friday, but we’re both leaning towards it staying in her office in order to protect it from being moved again. She took ownership that she never let her staff know that it was a special object and used for therapy. I said that I didn’t want to be unfair and just take it away from the other person. She said not to worry, she’d handle it.

Our connecting question was what was something that we have kept through moves.

Friday I’m going to finally get to see her wedding dress pictures (I asked) and I’m going to be bringing our scrapbook in.

Good session! Yay! Very hard session though. A lot of crying. Even L cried. We talked about my future. We talked about my infertility. And we talked about baby names (the names I would have chosen and why she chose her kids’ names). We looked a little at our scrapbook. Oh! The ball is going to go to her office where we can protect it from being moved. We did self care plan and then goodbyes.

The topics of my future and my infertility came up because of some revelations I’ve made this week. Like I will probably never have children in general in my life. Or H was talking to me about a Rob Zombie song and was shocked I’ve never heard it. He told me it was from the early 2000. Well duh! I was homeless at that time. And that made me realize that I never really integrated back into society/my generation. I knew my mom screwed me up big time, but I didn’t realize I also am affected this way.

Hugs, Scarlet. Those seem like some important revelations. And I'm glad the ball will move to L's office.

Such a good session today! We had a double session today because she’s taking off Friday. We started with breathing then check in. I gave her another item back (I only have 4 items left). We looked at some personal pictures. We went through our scrapbook some. Then we did self care plan and did our goodbye rituals. At some point, we were talking about food. She told me a weird but yummy combination and then I shared one. Then I mentioned a food and she was like “the only brand I’ll eat is this”. And I was like “Totally!”. Then we cracked up laughing.

We came up with 4 goals for this season.
1. Increase emotion regulation and how to process them relationally.
2. Make sure to prioritize strengthening the therapeutic relationship.
3. Finding more purpose in life.
4. Work through feelings about infertility and her pregnancies.

And the gold ball is officially in her office!

I'm so pleased that you can ask for what you need from L now, Scarlet.

Those sound like great goals, and I'm glad that the gold ball is 'home'.

That sounds like a good session, Scarlet. I'm glad it sounds like you're connecting again with L. The goals seem good. Also happy to hear the gold ball is in her office!

Thank you, Lost and LT! I’m feeling a lot of hope for L and I.

Something else came up in my mind today. It’s a boundary she has that I feel is prejudice and unfair. I’ve talked to her about it before and she couldn’t even identify why she has that boundary. For some reason I remembered it today, and am feeling upset by it. It’s not so important that I would end the relationship, but it is the principle of the matter.

I decided to try and email my therapist back when I was 18 and homeless. She also struggled with infertility. As far as I know, she later married and gained a stepdaughter who she very much loved. But I don’t think she was ever able to have a biological child. The email was a long shot. It was her first personal email, so over 20+ years, she might have changed it. I was just hoping she could give L or I advice on how to cope with infertility.

She responded to me today! She said she’s busy this week, but she will get back to me.

This means so much to me. Getting advice from someone who’s experienced my struggles, someone I know and trust, and for her to remember me and was kind enough to reply. That really made my day.

I’m having doubts about my relationship with L. I don’t know if I can continue to be triggered. I know they’re my issues, but why should I keep subjecting myself to something that causes pain?

She took off Friday to have a girls weekend with old friends. It’s stupid, but it makes me so jealous and hurt. I have always wanted to have a sleepover with her and I would love the opportunity to play with her children. I think what hurts most is that she took time away from me to do things that she knows I long for. And when I told her, she said she’s protecting our relationship.

I just don’t know if this pain is worth it. Am I willing to suffer because of the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship? Maybe I’d be better off trying to somehow find real friendships where I can play with their children, I can have sleepovers, etc. I don’t know if that is even possible, but I’m just not sure if the positives of my relationship with L outweigh the negatives. I’m tired of hurting. My griefs of not having a mother and being infertile have not healed in the 6 years with L. I think she’s actually caused me more trauma and more pain in these areas. Having loose boundaries in some areas, tight boundaries in others.

Like one of our issues is her boundaries with food. She will not accept any food from a client. She only has this rule with clients. She couldn’t explain to me this boundary at all. She even said it’s not about trust. She trusts me that I would never harm nor poison her. So I’m being judged not because of myself, not because she thinks food is inappropriate in therapy, not because it unethical or morally wrong, but because I’m a client. She will accept food from a neighbor she barely knows, but not me. She will let me touch her belly when she was pregnant, but not this. She breaks so many normal boundaries, but holds this one because… I’m a client?

I’m just tired of hurting. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.

Hugs, Scarlet. I don't know what to say that might help. Other than that I get how a boundary like that can make the relationship not seem as "real" (like Dr. T never saying where he goes on vacation--and my also feeling jealous at times, like I wish I could go to the beach with his family--I know that's someplace they tend to go as he'll mention it later).

I think it could help to try finding the sorts of friendships you mention (I know it can be difficult as adults), while you're doing therapy, like it doesn't have to be one or the other. Local groups on Facebook or reddit, possibly Nextdoor (I've seen posts with people saying they're new to the area and want friends), plus Meetup.com could be places to make connections with people.

Another thought is to pursue the interests you already have with other people--I don't know if you ever take your dogs to a dog park, but someone I used to know made some friends that way. As then you're starting with something in common (talking about your dogs, then talking about other things). There are likely Facebook groups for that, too, maybe even for the breed you have. (Like there's a guinea pigs FB group for my state.) Or, I think you crochet (or knit?)--there may be local groups for that or, say, classes at a Michael's or other craft store. I think you like reading, too--some libraries and other places sponsor book clubs. It might help your relationship with L if you had others you talked to regularly (besides your H).

I'd talk about all this with L, too.


Edited to add: I know this can all be difficult, trying to go out and make other friends. I know for me, the fear of rejection is strong. Not sure if it's the same for you.

Thanks, LT. I am definitely afraid of rejection. My biggest problem is that I don’t understand “normal” boundaries. I know how to be a wife to my H, know how to be a mom to my dogs, I know how to be a daughter to my mom, I know how to be a client to therapists, and I know how to be a “daughter” with a mother-figure. Oh and a client to a doctor. That’s it. I am awkward and don’t know what to do in any other sort of relationship. Friends, acquaintances, etc.

I thought I made a friend with a woman from H’s last job. We had a lot in common: mental health, infertility, not many friends, H’s who game. She found out she was pregnant, but was really sick. I sent her a really nice gift basket to maybe bring a little comfort. Her H told my H thank you, but I never heard from her again. Two weeks ago, the husband contacts my H to invite us to the baby shower… Months with no contact and now you want gifts from us? No way!

I don’t know how much to share and when. I’m always over sharing or under sharing. I’m very shy and quiet. When out in public, I’m usually looking at the floor. I don’t know how to keep a conversation going on my own, and silence scares me. I’m scared to go to new places alone. I want relationships. Even one friendship would be nice. People do like me. I’m pleasant and kind. I’m not clingy or demanding.

I think doing things with people through my hobbies might be good. It won’t be until next year, but H has convinced me to get a corgi. We really want to socialize and train the corgi. Probably to be my next therapy dog based on temperament. And they have a ton of corgi events everywhere. That might be something I could try. I need to think more.

I was wanting to volunteer for a homeless organization, but that fell through. The woman and I kept playing phone tag, and the anxiety got to be too much for me.

I am a part of a CNBC group on fb and people often want to meet up. But I’m weary about that because I don’t really want the focus of a relationship on my biggest grief. I don’t want to wallow in grief anymore than I already do in therapy and at home.

I keep having breakdowns this week. I just had a phone session with L, and tons of crying. Mostly over the pain of wanting connection. That’s why I’m jealous of her friends having sleepovers with her. It’s why her food boundaries upset me. I mean, sure I’d love to buy or make her food, but it’s not really important if I never do. It’s just wanting to connect. It’s not that I want to take away from her, it’s that I grieve the loss of things and experiences that I can’t have because of her personal or professional boundaries. And I know she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation about her boundaries, but when she doesn’t even know herself, that’s when it feels personal.

I'm sorry, Scarlet.

It sounds really hard to work with a therapist who has things that you want but aren't within your reach.

It makes sense that everything with L over the last few months has amplified that longing for connection.

I hope you're able to find it somehow, in a way that feels accessible.

Hugs,

Lost

Something that did actually help was L telling me that she also has griefs for longings with me she can’t have because of the boundaries/limitations of a therapeutic relationship. That surprised me. And she actually told me one of them and it was such a sweet and meaningful longing that I too would wish for. So she really gets it. I think that meant a lot to me.

Session was good. I couldn’t have my dog with me because we have loaner car right now. We talked about a lot of different things not really focusing on anything. We talked about how awayness is difficult for me and my nervous system only knows it’s bad. We talked about some emails I wrote. One was an email from a therapist who is CNBC and sees clients who are CNBC. I emailed her and my old T for resources and advice. The other therapist sent me a website, a podcast, a book, and a newsletter that’s for therapists. We also talked a little about my gaming days. And we came up with another goal for me: to learn how to hold anger and love at the same time. When I get hurt or angry, it seems to blot out all the good, all the love. And after the situation has passed, I feel really bad that in those moments I’m willing to throw relationships away because that’s not what I really want. What I want is connection and love and understanding. So maybe if I can learn to hold both, I’ll feel better about myself after the situation gets resolved.

I did a little self reflection today and I’ve realized something. How I treated L during her pregnancy was just a gigantic form of how I treat her when there’s an upset. Her pregnancy was a huge upset for me and because it was on going and visually present, I got stuck in the pain. It wasn’t until she went on leave until I was able to calm down. And now that I’ve calmed down, I can have more understanding and empathy. I can see my role in this. Just like during upsets. Once calmed down, I can finally see the full picture. Btw, this doesn’t just happen with L. I do this with H too. Pain and anger just eclipses everything, but once calm, the situation always turns out okay. I really need to work on this.

Hey Scarlet,

That sounds human to me.
If the sense of hurt is big enough, you're going to feel it for a while.

Your feelings are valid, because they emerge from your experiences.

Most of the time it's not just about what's happening now, but what has happened before.

I respect your want to work on this on some level, and I hope you can also respect your own process.

Sending hugs,

Lost

Thanks, Lost. The end goal is to stop this habit which does hurt me and the other person, but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself for the feelings. I told L that I think we need to figure out why I do this in order to move forward. She said that in a general sense, trauma delays/impaired emotional regulation. She said that on a deeper level, we need to find out what my parts went through and what they’re scared of and what they need.

I do feel a lot of guilt and shame for how I treated L. And I also know my feelings were real. I really hurt. But I put the blame of my feelings on L. My H often tells me, if I could have a child of my own, pretty much none of it would have hurt me. And he’s right. The pain originates from me. Real pain, but it’s not from L. L’s life events just triggered it.

I just want to be in more control of myself. I want to make level headed decisions, not just reacting off of emotions. L calls them emotional flashbacks where I’m literally back into the emotions. I want to be able to work through that. I’m not saying get rid of my feelings, but to be able to clearly see the whole picture not just based on the feelings.

Another good session. I’m having difficulty remembering everything. But I think the main take away: that even though I took my anger inappropriately out on her, she is strong enough to take it and actually feels honored to give me the experience of being allowed to be angry and not losing that person’s love.

Btw, for some reason, the topic of poop keeps coming up ever since she’s been back. So today’s connection question: what type of toilet paper do you use and why. Lol

For some reason I decided to share every health problem I have with L. I don’t remember what triggered it, but I wanted her to know that there are actually a lot of things and I can’t guarantee how long I’ll live. I told her I’d understand if she left me. She told me that we are all mortal and whoever dies first will really affect the one who lives. But she said the grief was worth it and she has no intention of leaving.

Today was a hard session. I’ve been feeling extremely sad and clingy lately with L. I texted and emailed a ton over the weekend and was really scared she’d put a limit on me. We started talking about my sadness of having to say goodbye to her today. We talked about outside contact. She reassured me she wasn’t going to take it away. She said it’s just the more I write, the longer it will take for her to get to it all and I’ll probably get shorter responses. We talked about a “menu” we put together before her leave of things to ask for in a text. I told her that I actually felt hurt by the menu and felt like she put me in a box and I wasn’t allowed to go outside it. She said the menu is just a tool, not rules. She suggested, if it would help, to list why I’m texting her. We’ll see. We also discovered that my clinginess is because I’m still sensitive about her leave and since she’s come back, I have been 100% open with her. Like we’re using big words we’ve never said before and we are talking about topics that we’ve never talked about before. We did our connecting question (name a favorite childhood candy) and we did my self care plan.

We are also going to try to attend a webinar in Sept about IFS and CNBC and we’re also both going to read a book on CNBC that was recommended.

Oh, it was interesting. Friday’s session we talked about IFS. L is actually not trained in it. She is psychodynamic and attachment based therapy. She does use many modalities (DBT, CBT, IFS, etc.) to support her style of therapy. She says she thinks I do benefit from IFS, but that there are times when she can tell it’s too much for me. So when that happens, we just switch paths.

Friday was another good session. We focused bonding because I’m struggling with goodbyes. We started off with updates. We did a connecting question: have we ever been to a town near us. We each told stories about the town and it was really fun. Then we talked about the possibility of me being able to gift books to her children’s library. I want to be in their lives in at least a small way. Kids grow out of clothes too fast and I don’t know the latest toys children want. But books can last a lifetime. And L and her H are very avid readers. She said that I can give them books! We have some boundaries though: not too many and not expensive (though as of right now there’s no price limit, she’s trusting my judgement). She can ask the price any time. No gifts for yearly reoccurring events (e.g. birthdays) so there’s no obligations. She can veto any book. And just books that I enjoyed reading while growing up. Oh! And she wants to read the books with me in session. Now that I think of it, I don’t know how that would work especially as the books get longer. We did a review of session. Another connecting question: what shampoo do you use. Reassurances and I love yous.

Now something interesting. So I can’t see peoples faces in my mind. I don’t think I can even see bodies. I can recognize them if I am looking at them or a picture, but not mentally. Because we’ve been talking about reading, it came up that while I’m actually a good reader, I think I struggle with books because I can’t picture it in my head and also they’re too long to try to process all the information. That’s when L suggested I might have Aphantasia. I looked it up. It could really be that. Very interesting stuff. I at first thought I couldn’t have that because I have vivid dreams, but then I read that many people with Aphantasia have vivid dreams. I also read that it can link with mental health. More to research!

I'm glad you had a good session, Scarlet.

It's wonderful that you want to show your care for her children in an enduring way.
You might need to break longer books down over several sessions.

That's interesting about aphantasia...I experience the world in a similar way.
Would be interested to hear more about the link to mental health, if you are open to sharing anything further?

Hugs,

Lost

Of course, Lost! I am more than happy to share anything I learn.

I really have only done a quick research last night on Aphantasia. The part where I read about the link to mental health was on Cleveland Clinic’s site: “Even rarer, aphantasia can happen with (or maybe because of) mental health conditions like mood disorders or depersonalization/derealization disorder. People with this kind of aphantasia usually can still have mental imagery, but they can’t form the images intentionally.” https://my.clevelandclinic.org/healt...222-aphantasia

The way they wrote “or maybe because of” makes me wonder if people who have certain mental health disorders and Aphantasia, which came first? Were they born with their brain wired that way or did mental health literally change their brain. I personally don’t know. I did love a lot of children’s books, but they had pictures so I didn’t have to imagine. And it wasn’t until I was about 12 that I realized I struggled with reading. It probably wasn’t until my 20’s that I realized I can’t picture people in my head. Like CBT: imagine a safe space… I literally can’t!

Good point, Scarlet.

I can think about a concept (e.g. pink elephant) but that thought isn't accompanied by an image.

Can you conjure the feeling of a safe space? That's what I tend to reach for.

I thought all day yesterday about how I know the feeling of safety. I actually don’t think I can answer that because I really don’t know how. Like I know what is safe: L, L’s office, sometimes H, sometimes my bedroom. And of course there’s different degrees. You know, I think I equate safety with trust. How much can I trust someone or a place. So it becomes more measurable and more factual. Less emotional. So I’m not exactly sure what safety feels like.