L’s Maternity Leave

I get what you mean about a "safe space," as some places I once considered safe feel less safe now for various reasons. But I've heard that for both that and the safe space for EMDR, it doesn't have to be a real-life space. It could be thinking of what might feel safe to you, like an ideal place that you've dreamed of being or someplace from a book or movie, say. Though I guess that wouldn't work for you in the sense that it would have to be tied to trust. I wonder if it could just be something like snuggling with one of your dogs, say? Where it's about a feeling, not a particular place?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over this.

Yes, I think I can draw up a feeling of safety with like a scene. Like you mentioned: cuddling with dogs. Interesting too, all the safe scenes are about touch: holding hands with L or cuddling with H or the dogs. I think those are the only real safety I feel. In any other moment or with anyone or any place else, I only feel degrees of safety. Like I don’t even feel my home is completely safe. I still haven’t updated my address with DMV for fear my sister will get it. And then when H and I fight, my home becomes a trap. So I only feel safety with very specific situations.

I don’t know if I updated about the therapist during L’s leave who told my insurance she’d be my therapist. She never contacted me again and I have yet to contact her. H wants me to sue her. I was contemplating reporting her to her supervisor or the board. After some thought, I’ve decided I will do none of those things. I don’t believe in an eye for an eye. I don’t believe hurting that therapist will teach them a lesson or make me feel better. But what she did was very wrong. She crossed a boundary and I feel I need for her to know she harmed me.

H also wants me to sue our insurance. I’m on the fence about that. My only fear would be them kicking us off. I found a lawyer who sues insurance companies. I need to write them and see what my options are.

I'm sorry it's come to this, Scarlet.
I feel you've made the right decision in not 'going after' the interim T.

Suing the insurance company seems drastic and risky to me.
As tenuous as your sense of safety feels right now, I don't think it's worth risking it further.

Wishing you courage in the choices that you make.

i agree with what Lost said, Scarlet. I think suing the insurance would be risky, especially as they ultimately decided in your favor regarding being able to see T. The other thing is, I imagine you'd have to pay a lawyer in order to sue. And I agree also that it's probably not worth doing anything regarding that other therapist now.

Yeah. That’s my gut feeling and fear. The last thing I want is to jeopardize my SCA with L. And if my insurance did kick me off, I bet it would be a hell of a time getting a new insurance to do a SCA for L if I even could.

Today’s session was a lot of fun and a little bit hard. Started with quick check in. Connecting question: describe something you’re ocd about. That was pretty funny. I showed her a childhood book that I love. Then we dipped our toes into talking about the decade I spent deep into gaming. That was the hard part. It triggered something I didn’t realize. We did breathing to help me calm. Did self care plan. Did would you rather question. And then goodbyes.

Well, today took a different turn. I’m actually not to sure of all that was said. She told me about something I said multiple times during her pregnancy that bothered her. I didn’t need to apologize, but she did want acknowledgment for what I meant and how she felt. I had zero problem with reassuring her. Somehow we got to a point of her asking when I’d like to know information for a future pregnancy. I asked will there be a future pregnancy. She said her and her H do want to try for a third. I broke down crying. I do NOT want to go through that again. Last pregnancy was extremely painful and I couldn’t get myself out of the pain. I blamed her, yelled at her, made her cry, made her worry, so many bad things. I don’t want to hurt and I don’t want to hurt her. I’m also afraid for her daughter. She will become the middle child. I told L my fears in the past and she brushed it off saying it won’t be a problem for her and her H. Disregarding something that happens to so many children is careless imo. You cannot guarantee how she will react and how she will be treated.

Talking today about L wanting a 3rd baby has re-triggered me. This time I see it’s me, but the pain is still there. And it’s intense again. I need to stop these feelings. All they are doing is hurting me and hurting L. L is doing nothing wrong. Not one thing. And here I am again reacting to her. I don’t want to go through this again. There has to be a way for me to hold my own pain. I see it. I see what I’m doing. Now I need to stop myself from doing it.

I'm so sorry, Scarlet.

Your tenderness around this makes so much sense.
I appreciate the honesty that you have in your relationship with L.

It's hard for me to see how it's helpful to you to know every detail of your impact on her.

You are entitled to your responses, and it makes sense that you would find this extremely painful.

Maybe stopping yourself from doing it isn't the first step? Perhaps the first step is allowing yourself to feel it.

It's allowed to hurt.

Hugs,

Lost

Hugs, Scarlet, that all sounds so difficult. Could you maybe make an agreement to not discuss any future pregnancy plans with her? I know you were the one who asked, and you want L to be honest with you. But at the same time, it seems like maybe she could have just said, "We're not sure" or "Right now, I'm focused on the two I have" rather than saying she wants to try for a third? I'm saying that in part because it's not all on you--it seems she could be more sensitive about it, knowing how difficult of a topic it is for you. Try not to be so hard on yourself for reacting as you are right now.

Well said, LT.

Yesterday was a rough day. I was triggered by my infertility grief so many times. First it was L saying she would try for baby #3 on Friday (which triggered my favoritism fear and fear for her daughter becoming a middle child too). Then on Saturday, L did a safety call with me. I could hear her child laughing in the background. That triggered me. Then I was supposed to look up fun “would you rather” questions. Question #13 on the first site: “Go back to the past and meet your loved ones who passed away or go to the future to meet your children or grandchildren to be?”. On top of that, Thursday was one of my nieces 8th birthday. And I’m not allowed in her life. So I’ve been hit hard this week.

I’m really trying hard to push through the pain. This all is just so hard for me.

Hugs, Scarlet. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this.

Hugs to you too, LT. I know I’m allowed my pain, but my heart also feel very tender towards you right now. So I really appreciate your support.

After some time of processing through emails with L and just sitting with everything, I’m feeling better. I’m trying to keep a positive mindset that hearing her children laugh was actually special because I got to hear how happy they were. It hurts, but it was also beautiful.

I’ve also been processing facts around my infertility. There actually might be a chance for me, but I don’t know if that would be a good choice for anyone in my life. And the steps to try are HUGE steps. I don’t know if I can take them. And the uncertainty isn’t a good thing when you’re considering bringing life into this world. I might be leaning towards giving up 100%. To walk away from the dream. It still hurts like hell, but I think it might be the wisest decision. It’s so hard.

But as far as L and I go, we actually did really good with this ouch. I didn’t have a breakdown on top of being upset. I didn’t push her away. We’ve worked through it and it’s all okay.

I'm so proud of you, Scarlet.

Whatever your decision, nobody can deny that you have tried all avenues that are available to you through this.

It's hard not to push people away when we're in pain.

Sending hugs,

Lost

Thanks for your support toward me, too, Scarlet. I wonder if it could help to just make a decision? Either that you'll try or not try (or even something like, you will decide in 6 months). I know it's a very different thing, but right now, I'm in total limbo in terms of my plan for how to deal with my cancer. I see an oncologist Monday, but it feels like ages from now. I want to be able to have a plan, to have some sense of what I'm facing, whether the first step is surgery (and what level of surgery), chemo, or something else. I think once I know, I can begin to work toward planning how best to deal with it (research, etc.) and acceptance. So maybe that would help you, too? Could you meet with a doctor to discuss further maybe?

(Not trying to hijack your thread!)

Well, I’m now extremely confused. I think you’re right, LT, that I just need to make a decision. I was heavily leaning toward giving up. So I told H yesterday that we needed to have an intentional decision about my infertility. I read him the email I sent to L about how difficult it would be to be pregnant and then raise a child. I asked him, are we going to stop trying. Surprisingly, he said no! He really would like a child and told me he would step up and be a dad and even help with diapers. In my email I mentioned that if anything happened to me, the child might go into foster care. H said he’ll do everything in his power to not let that happen. So now I don’t know what to do! I re-sent H the fertility doctor’s email with a link to fill out forms. Let’s see if he does it.

I have no idea if there's anything remotely relatable or useful in this and I'm not sure I want to put this out there, but I'll try anyway.

I met my ex when I was 18. Yeah, same abusive ex I've spoken about on here. When I was 19 I found out I was pregnant. I remember there was one night we were sitting in the car outside a convenience store when he told me that he wanted nothing to do with this baby and if I had it he wouldn't stick around. It was pretty crushing to hear that. I was young, just starting my second year of college. I did not feel ready to be a mother. I felt trapped between what other people wanted. The father was not supportive. My parents were pressuring me to have an abortion. So that's what I did and it was so hard. I fell into a depression. He didn't leave me, but it turns out he wasn't quite as against having a child because about a year or so later he cheated on me and got her pregnant and seemed pretty stoked about the whole thing. It was honestly devastating and gave me so much self-doubt and wondering about what was wrong with me. Obviously we eventually got back together.

When you're 19 it feels like your whole life is ahead of you and it is. I thought there was plenty of time to have children if I wanted them. But it was never the right time. I had dropped out of college and didn't think I could afford them working a minimum wage job. I was also in a really difficult relationship. He was emotionally abusive to me although I didn't recognize it as such at the time. He was also a drunk. He drank a lot.

In my thirties I halfway got it together and went back to get a degree and got a salaried job so money didn't seem as much of an issue, but he quit working when I went back to school and never went back. If we were going to have kids, he'd have to be the stay at home parent. But he drank almost every day. How could I possibly leave him in charge of a small child. He wouldn't quit drinking for me even though I asked him multiple times. I had no reason to believe he'd quit for his child. I kept telling myself I'd be a terrible mother because it was easier to believe that than acknowledging how miserable my life was and that I was choosing this path. I felt trapped, but I chose this.

Of course things went really, really bad. I've talked about all that on here. By that point I was mid 40s. Time was running out quickly. At the end, there was no way I'd have a kid with him and then I was alone and I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Somewhere along there peri-menopause struck and it was like mother nature slapped me across the face. It's too late now. You've wasted your entire life. There's no fixing this. No one's ever going to love me but even if they did, it's too late. It feels like a cruel joke. It's such a bitter pill to swallow knowing that it's your own damn fault that you don't have kids. I have made some really bad choices in my life and they've all led here. I try not to think about any of this because it's painful.

It seems like you were dealt a rough hand. I really feel for you. It's so out of your control and it must seem so unfair. I know the reasons we don't have children are very different. I wish I had some good advice for you but all I can offer is that I've had to come to some sort of acceptance about the situation. It's a tense truce at times. It still hurts. It comes to the forefront sometimes when I don't want it to. In your last post you talked about trying again. Think about both sides of that. You might be successful or you might not. How would you feel if it didn't happen even after trying? Would you feel even worse about it? Only you can weigh those pros and cons. It's not easy at all, but is there even the smallest bit of acceptance that you can come to? It seems like this thing is consuming you and I'm hoping you can find some way that it's not taking over completely. I feel like a fraud trying to offer something here because my situation is pretty much all my fault and I overwhelmingly don't have my own life together, so I hope it's okay that I posted this.

NP, I extremely appreciate your input and experience. You’re right: this is consuming me. Ever since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a mom. My mom owned a preschool so I was always around children. I even tried getting pregnant as a teenager (looking back, thankfully that did not happen). I actually don’t know why I’m so triggered with L. I love her and I want her to be able to achieve all her dreams. I don’t want her to hurt just because I hurt. But ever since the first pregnancy, I just keep reacting to her.

I do need to decide, but H just made it so much harder. If I choose to let it go and finally stop, I’m making that decision for him too. And the email I wrote L, it had the whole “cons” list. And there’s a lot.

It’s just so hard when it’s what you always wanted.

I came up with an idea and L’s on board. She’s going to write me an email just for when ouches come up between us. So it will help me stay present and hold onto the facts while I wait for a time when we can talk. So like reminders, reassurances, a plan or guide, suggestions, things like that. Because I’ve realized my push away part is always what gets me in trouble. It makes the situation way more complicated and stressful. So if I can keep that part of me calm, maybe there will be less ruptures in the future.

That's brilliant, Scarlet.

R did something similar for me a while back, and it's still an important 'touchstone'.

Hugs,

Lost

That seems like a good idea. I have a few emails where I asked Dr. T for general reassurance (in the moment, not something for future ruptures) and look back on those at times when I'm doubting the relationship or his care (I did that with ex-MC, too). So I imagine it will be helpful. Having something in writing can be more concrete than relying on our memories (or even our own notes) of what was said.

Another thought--could you have her record a voicemail (or voice memo if doing so in office) for you to listen to when you're doubting? I had one left for a different reason by ex-MC, and I found it comforting just to hear the caring and concern in his voice (I don't have anything like that from Dr. T--I asked him for something once, he seemed unsure, and I don't know about asking again).