therapist's private life

I have been seeing my therapist for many years. I speak with her online but always knew that she had a dog. It came up in conversations and sometimes it would be there in the room when we spoke. A few months ago I realised that I have not seen the dog for a few weeks or have not heard her mention it. I felt bad for not noticing at first but then it sent me into a total spiral of anger and sadness. I could and still cannot get over the fact that the dog passed away and we never spoke about it/she never mentioned it. For the records I did not have any emotions related to the pet but it made me reflect on how bizarre this set up is. Could it have passed away on the day we spoke? Was my therapist affected and I had no idea? The dog represents all the other events in therapists' lives that we don't know about. Bereavements, health issues, losses, births and how odd this is to be happening in the background when the therapist is just there.
I do not like this asymmetry and notice it so much more in long term work.
I brought it up in an email to her I sent after one of the sessions but we never spoke about it. I feel uneasy about brining it up now another few months later.

I'm sorry you had to contend with the shock of finding out that her dog passed.

It is a strange relationship in a way, because we pay them to keep their personal lives out of the work.

If you are still feeling strongly about it, it's worth talking about.

I too am sorry that you weren’t informed of the dog’s passing.

Not all therapists are closed off to their personal life. My current therapist, L, is probably way too open. But my previous therapist, also a very good therapist, was much more closed off. I actually know more about her from google searching than what she’s been open about. I saw my last therapist for 4 years and L now for 6 years. So short-term vs long-term doesn’t really make a difference. It’s just up to each individual.

I'm sorry you weren't informed and can definitely relate. About 8 years ago, I saw a marriage counselor (ex-MC), to whom I was very attached. He shared a fair amount about his life from the first day we met him, including about the baseball team he roots for (same as H) and about his daughter and son. Also about his own anxiety issues and some childhood struggles (this was over time). Over time, I came to learn, from overhearing a call at the receptionist's, that he had someone living in his home who needed 24-hour care (he was late because the home health worker hadn't yet arrived). My T at the time, let's call her "ex-T," worked in the same office and confirmed this to be the case.

I figured maybe it was an aging parent. Then, he shared a story about his wife, and his odd response to a question I asked made me realize it was likely her. When I asked ex-T, she teared up, so I knew my guess was right. I asked him, he confirmed, but didn't give much information other than, in answer to my question, that it was a more "chronic" vs. "terminal" condition. There was a stretch where he had to cancel frequently with short notice. He also said to me at one point (in a phone call--long story) that he might need to take some time off soon. I wondered if she was dying.

He canceled just after Christmas, and I asked ex-T about it. She said, "He absolutely had to take that day off" and looked teary-eyed. I went home and googled her name and "obituary." She'd passed away about a week before (she was late 40s, so quite young). My husband emailed him to let him know we knew and send condolences.

The next session we had, he listed her long list of maladies throughout her life. The part that is relevant to your post is that I asked him if he'd have told us she'd passed had we not figured it out. He said he wouldn't have. I asked, "What if I asked how she was doing?" He replied, "I'd have said something like, 'things are OK.'" It hit me hard, realizing that the relationship wasn't as close as it felt, as he wouldn't have even shared that his spouse had died (even if we asked). I feel like the relationship wasn't the same for me after that.

I'd definitely talk to your T about it. It helped a bit talking to my ex-T (at the time), and I also talked to ex-MC about it (but probably should have let him be on the topic for a bit, but: see attachment/paternal transference).

Sorry for the novel! TLDR: My ex-marriage counselor's wife passed away, and he wouldn't have told us about it had we not figured it out. Even though he tended to disclose quite a lot of personal stuff.

Sounds like you've got a good T there.. She's not brining her stuff into your time, but no doubt would, have answered your query about the dog if you'd asked.. My T was like that

Thanks for sharing this.
I keep going back to the last few months and wondering which week it could have been.
I feel hurt by this - I dont even know if its the fact that she didnt say anything or that this just is NOT a mutual relationship. I imagine her switching her 'work mode' on and almost pretending that everything is all right. I dont think I even noticed a shift in how she is with me and that makes me think none of it is real or authentic - just a front.
It sounds like something has shifted for you too. Do you remember what it was like for you? What bothered you most?

It's the fact that she never presented differently that bothers me. I did not pick up on any sadness. You can argue that is a good T but also one who puts an act on

I dont even think she was massively closed off but did stop sharing things with me a while ago.
Maybe it is the shift from just being casual and telling me random things that were related to scheduling etc! E.g. 'let's meet at that specificbtime as I need to walk the dog', to not not saying a thing about it.

My therapists kid interuppted our session one time. My T was more bothered then I was. I am not attached to my therapist when she said she was going on vacation all I said was "are you going to Disney World?"

Idk. Everyone is different

Yes they become a therapist in the room, it's not an act but gmher profession, she's actually putting you first .. Maybe say to her you'd like to talk about her not telling you about her dog?.. It's all grist fir the mil