[hold2truth]

Hi, all...

Today is the first day I've actually not felt depressed in a long time. I don't feel great, but I at least feel like it's not so cloudy. The last time I can remember feeling good was more than 3 years ago.

I read an article at work today about how the Golden Gate Bridge is considering putting up railing to help prevent suicides. Some people are fighting it because they want to keep the design as original as possible. The article also said that a lot of people are sincerely, truly misguided in the idea that if we really want to kill ourselves, putting up railing is not gonna stop you. You'll just go find alternate means to commit suicide. It quoted a study and stats on people who say their lives were saved because of the railings (on other monumental bridges). Over 90% of them continued to live out their normal life span or died of natural causes. The idea is that if you make suicide less convenient, it reduces your likelihood of actually doing it. This is why they train therapists to go after the modus operandi (how you'd like to die--by pill, gun, cutting, etc), the weapon of death, first. The more distance you put between yourself and the weapon, the better. Time is on your side, but not distance.

I found the article thought provoking. The article explained to me something I'd not been able to put to words before, and I felt good that the paper was circulating something so awareness oriented. Since other people were reading it, I didn't quite feel so intimidated on the subject. It broke the clouds, I think.

But in any case, I think another reason I was feeling somewhat better is because I spent the weekend with my mom. She's going through some life changes right now, and I went down to kinda give her a pep talk. I think depression runs in our family, but so does the pride. No one really wants to admit they're fighting. Mom just kinda came out and said "you know, I'm depressed. And I don't believe anyone's above depression. But I refuse to let this get me down, because if I stay down, it's going to kill me." THAT'S MY GIRL!!

I spent most of the weekend--tiptoeing around the word "depression" and similar lingo-- giving her tips on how to deal with it. I think she really just wanted someone to listen to her and coach her on how to get started again. She made some interesting comments that I thought I'd share with you. I don't know where she heard this, but she said that there are 5 things in life that are depression triggers:

Getting married
Birth
Death
Moving
Career Change
I added major Dx, health issues as a 6th

Mom's had the career change thing, which isn't a bad thing. It's just that she kinda upped and went, and didn't give herself much room to adjust. On a personal level, I've had four (five, if you count the death of someone not close to me) of the 6 mentioned: getting married, moving, career change, and a major dx. Most of this stuff is simply "life," and it seems to happen in waves and ebbs. It's little wonder that I suffer from depression. But you can't claim a victory without a fight. Here's to all of us!

[Jully]

Hi! I'm glad your feeling better! It sounds like your mom is dealing with her own depression really well.

I find the article you mentioned interesting. It does seem to hold some truth. Sometimes one is so depressed that any obstacle, small or large, seems like too much to overcome even when one feels desperate to end it all. I have often contemplated (when in the unrelenting grip of darkest depression) suicide, but I have only actually attempted a few times. Each of those times it was easy to obtain the particular things needed to make the attempts.

It brings to mind a conversation I had with T in which he stated that if I ever feel suicidal, to let him know and we will talk about it. I looked at him and stated that if I really wanted to die, I certainly would not let him know, as he would try to stop me. I then stated that I didn't understand why someone who really wanted to kill him/herself would reach out for help. His reply was that it happens quite often. I still don't understand the logic, honestly. The information in the article also seems to clear up the reason that it seems so important to therapists (in my experience) to know how a person tried to end his life, whether it was planned in advance, or more on impulse, etc.

Thanks for your post! It was very encouraging. Here's to you!