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#1
Mar 07, 2008, 01:40 PM
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When i entered session today, I felt more then usual that I wanted T to talk, to reach out to me, to say something. She didn't and I felt myself getting more and more angry...after a while, I said I want to get out of here...T then said can I say more?...man don't ya just hate those questions sometimes....I felt myself holding it all back,, not wanting her to see my anguish...then it started to snowball and I felt I would explode in a moment if she didnt say something...but she didn't and I suddenly wanted to hide my anger/pain away from her...didn't want her to get delight out of my anger/pain/frustration..but as I thought and fetl all of this I also knew that this is MY therapy and what is the point of sitting not saying anything..but it was hard...I wanted to punish her to with my silence...with my holding back...then as I started to talk and tell her that I had got rid of "it" now and she could no take delight in my anger/pain...she said, what like your mother would?...then I started to "remember" I talked about how it felt like one minute she was putting my head under water and I was struggling to breathe, the when she (mother) would bring my head back up she'd be telling me how it was for my own good that she said/did these things to me/for me...that I didn't know what to think..how could your "idol" one moment be trying to hurt you and in the next rescue you?...T said it was confusing...so to end the confusion you would fall down on one side, HERS?....then I realised T was not my mother, taht she wasn't wanting to take enjoyment in my pain...I suddenly but quietly said, I guess your not my mother as my consiousness came back into focus/here and now...she said no....I said I hate I do this..confuse you..T said its a kind of remembering...by confusing me you get to remember it in real terms....we get to put words to it...I've never realised the importance of the "blank canvas" as much as I did today..if T had filled the session up with talking, I'd never have started to go into "remembering"...it was a relief at the end to know T is T and what I remember has already happened. and to put words to it..
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#2
Mar 07, 2008, 01:54 PM
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Wow! You just make me think of my silence struggles with T in a whole new way and they happened 30 years ago! I'd never considered that it was helping bring transference things like that to mind.
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#3
Mar 07, 2008, 02:11 PM
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One giant step forward!
  
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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#4
Mar 07, 2008, 03:13 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mouse said: I felt myself holding it all back,, not wanting her to see my anguish...then it started to snowball and I felt I would explode in a moment if she didnt say something...but she didn't and I suddenly wanted to hide my anger/pain away from her...didn't want her to get delight out of my anger/pain/frustration. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I've experienced these feelings a lot in therapy. Not so much the last two session. But when I do experience the silence, I definitely want to hide what is going on in my head. I also assume that she gets pleasure out of me feeling this way. I don't know why I think she get pleasure out of torturing me. Especially when SHE is not torturing me, I"m torturing myself by not saying what is on my mind. How the hell does this sick cycle of thought develop?
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"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach) |
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#5
Mar 07, 2008, 05:44 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
T said its a kind of remembering... </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh, I like what she said. And it's part of the transference, isn't it? </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> T then said can I say more?...man don't ya just hate those questions sometimes... </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes! lol. And I love that it usualiy works too, to see beneath the surface. Silences are to give us all the room and time we need. Like Perna, Mouse you've made me think about my own silences in therapy as well as the months I went and could hardly speak. (I used to punish my mother by holding back, being withdrawn from her... my only 'weapon') Ya just never know where a session is going to go. I'm glad you had a meaningful session. |
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#6
Mar 08, 2008, 03:52 AM
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=( that must have been so scary with your mom
(((( safe hugs if you want them )))
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#7
Mar 08, 2008, 05:15 PM
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(((Mouse)))
This week in session T said the same thing about putting words to the feelings. It's so hard, isn't it? I told him I would rather do play do. I guess that made me about 3!! 
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