My T asked me to write an "evaluation" on him and how therapy has been going since we moved to the new office.

He would like to know what is going well, what is not, and any ideas for improvement.

I really love that he is asking for the feedback. I joked with him that I was going to make it really profession and make checklists like: Empathy-- Never, Rarely, Sometimes, Most of the time, All the time. LOL.

This is going to be interesting. It will really give me a chance to review how things are going. I don't know what we often get a chance to look at our therapy like that, since it seems to be such a session-to-session, in the moment-type experience, which is always changing so rapidly.

I'm going to start working on it now. I think.

Here is an exact replica of what I will be giving him tomorrow, the only difference being it says his name where I wrote "T"

T's Evaluation—The G Rated Version—Complete with NO Cursing!!!

First of all, I must say that this evaluation is a wonderful task because it gives me the opportunity to look at my therapy as a whole. Because therapy is so highly emotionally charged, it really exists on a session-to-session, moment-to-moment basis. Rarely do I take the time to slow everything down in order to evaluate the process and relationship as a whole.

Overall, since we have relocated, the direction of therapy seems to have changed. I believe that has a lot to do with the relocation itself. Based on what you have told me about The Consultation Center, it seems as though the place itself was restricting the work we could have been doing together. You have become much more of a “regular” person to me (as opposed to the almighty therapist who materializes through the walls for my sessions only). I could stay quite a bit disputing my claim—about how I still can’t face the fact that you have other patients, a life, a family, a wife (this still all very painful for me), but the truth is, I would like to focus on the regularity that has materialized mostly from your disclosure of emotions. This is one of the best parts of therapy for me because it demonstrates that you have feelings. It also shows the reciprocal nature of the relationship. I believe that this has only increased since the move to the Concordville office—of course I am sure it based on many other elements, but I don’t think it is something that could have taken place as fully when we were in Philadelphia. This brings me to the nature of physical contact—another thing that I am assuming could not take place in the prior office. The physical contact has helped me tremendously. If you had ever questioned whether or not it would be therapeutically beneficial, I can assure you that it is. The day after you held my hand while I cried, the memory of it was surreal. Up until then, I had though you were OFF LIMITS in a physical sense. The lengths that you have gone to accept me and remind me that I have not pushed you away have been amazing. To be honest, I want to hold your hand every time. I know that is not exactly reasonable, but it scares me that it would never happen again. There was a power and a safety there that I had never experienced. I adore the interaction that we have. For some reason lately, it has risen to a level in which I feel safer and more comfortable with you than ever. You totally “get” me as a person (or persons, if you would like to count the little girl, the violent maniac, the sex fanatic, or whoever else may be in there). My other favorite part of therapy is that you are willing to follow me wherever I want/need to go—if I want to think in colors and then speak in terms of what I saw, then that’s okay. If I want to talk through my poetry, that’s okay, too. If I’m not in a verbal mood, then you go along with my non-verbal expressions and seem to understand those, too. I have gotten as close as I can possibly get to being my poetry in your office. My rawest, most creative, authentic self—and that is because you accept that.

Yalom said that is not the big interpretations that patients seem to notice—rather, it is the small things about the therapist. This couldn’t resonate with me more. Sometimes the best parts of a session are a funny story you tell me, the intense way in which you look at me when I’m talking, the laughter we share at one of my ridiculous-dramatic-anger-sarcasm moments, or just the look in your eyes when I tell you something sad or painful. Did you know that I check to see if you are wearing your earring each session? That means something to me. I don’t know why.

Therapy has been ridiculously difficult lately. Have you noticed? You spoke last week about not want me to be traumatized every time I come to therapy. I am not sure where to do with this and I’m not sure if you do, either. What I mean is—does the work take place in letting me reach that painful, overwhelming place each time—or is that too much? I know I get through it each time, but it feels like it is too much. I need/want to go through that sometimes—but I’m not sure that I need/want to go through it every time. I would like if we could figure out how to control that sometimes, but still be able to talk about the things that are surrounding it—the things that bring me there in the first place.

The cutting: I feel like I have put you in a bad spot. It’s almost as though you understand so deeply what it is like for me that it makes it almost impossible for you to help me to stop. Please be aware that when I say that, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t helping or that we aren’t working on it—I just mean that I don’t know that you can attend to the immediacy needs of the behavior because we both know that neither of us acquiesce to those particular techniques that would be used. Sometimes it is difficult for me to differentiate between the way you seem to permit (although I know you wish I wouldn’t do it) and those feelings of disregard that I have gotten so much in regards to the behavior. Again, it is a disconnect between the intellectual and the emotion. I know what you mean when you say it is a way for me to survive—and that taking that way would leave me with nothing—a concept possibly scarier than the cutting itself. However, there are times when the emotion interferes and I feel that sense of disregard and lack of seriousness. I can come up with no good solutions while I am writing this. I am only hoping that putting down my thoughts and feeling may help us reach an additional direction with this issue.

One of the best things ever was when you handed me a pad of paper and some colored pencils. Let’s do that again, okay? My creativity is such an important aspect of me that I would like to bring even more of that into the room, whether it is in the form of art, music, or poetry.

Overall, you have done a whole lot to help me internalize you when I am out of session. It feels as though it may be working, but there has also been a dramatic increase in phone contact lately, so I’m not quite sure.

I think that is it for now.

OVERALL GRADE: A-
hahahaahaha

[bipolar_bear]

I think it is wonderful and that it will really help your relationship. I think it was a great idea.

BB

[Kiya]

Pink, it's great that you can express all that in writing!!


Kiya

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bipolar_bear said:
I think it is wonderful and that it will really help your relationship. I think it was a great idea.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Me too. I like it. I think we should all do that.

[tulips30]

very much for sharing this personal writing with us. Your honesty with him is so apparent in every line. The entire time I was reading, I was thinking about how therapeutic it is to allow yourself a look back at your process/progress both as a whole and as individual events that have shaped the relationship. Hindsight is always an interesting perspective. I agree that everyone should make this "homework" a part of their therapy. I may even suggest it to my t. tomorrow!

tulips

Pink,
What a great idea. Your evaluation receives an A++. Your T is awesome.

I was just thinking about what I would write if I was asked to do an evaluation now - LOL. It would have a lot of #$%#$#'s in it. And the Hippo would surely be mentioned I'm sure he'd end up writing a rebuttal.