[Mouse_]

I was journalling last night and have a sort of spontainous dialogue with myself...what I mean by that is normally I feel as if I'm only pretending to talk to myself, it always feels false, contrived..but yesterday it was like this other words were just coming to me...I started of writing why does T be nice to me?...I had this need to have her verbally abuse me...as I was writing that I felt free inside and thought, this is maddness why would someone want to be mistreated? ...and the words comimg to me were that its because I am primed normally waiting for the abuse to come...its what I know....and to be abused would take away the waiting...the anxiety caused by that...and I knew that its not that I wanted to be abused its that I want to have the waiting taken away...but T is never going to do this too me...then I was back to why does she be nice to me? it hit me because if we're never shown it, we're never know it....lately I've been struggling with feeling I am bad and that I am betraying my adoptive mother by all the things I say...but isn't this proof? the fact that until T, I'd never really experienced anyone liking me...its alien to me and I had no quality of personal life in me...I've never liked myself...only ever had my internalised mothers words and yesterday the other person talking through me and answering all my self hatred was what I have had given me and shown me by T.....its like the proof is in the pudding...I realised just what I had missed growing up....for a moment I understood that why I feel so bereft when T isn't around is because she has been the only way I've had of liking myself...shes been doing for me what I am not able to do for myself just yet...my need to have her like me is because I haven't had the ablity to do it for myself and as soon as we can do these things for ourselfs, our need for someone else to do it does change...I felt all my envy of her other clients disipiate for a short while because I was able to give myself what I normall have to get from T...that all the jealousys of loosing T or of not getting enought of her is the panic that I will go back to having no way to feel good about myself...when we can do this for ourslefs our focus does begin to become internal and less on external...that our obessing about getting enought like "Love junkies" relaxes..we have time to just experience someone else and not suck the blood out of them like love vampires...feed me, feed me....I haven't managed to maintain the feelings I experienced last night,...but at least the seed has been sown...it can only grow and grow within me now....

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse,

I just got finished trying to describe the manic processing I do at times. And then I read your post and WHEW! It feels very similar. Personally, I don't think I'm as far along as you because underneath, I don't think T actually likes me. I think of him really as a mental health professional who is somehow helping me not be be crazy.

So, to like yourself, I guess you need a model of someone who you believe really likes you. I'm still working on that part. I used to feel that he liked me and I turned into a love vampire, as you so aptly describe. Then we had all these ruptures and disagreements. So, now I feel like he's just a nice guy who is doing his job.

I'm happy your seed is planted and you will water it with T! I look forward to the time when I can do the same.

Peace

[chaotic13]

WoW yet again Mouse. Thanks for sharing.

I experience a version of this as well. I look skeptically at people who are nice to me and ask myself, "What do they want,? They have to WANT something from me because I don't deserve to just be treated nice, just because... I'm human.
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Mouse said:
I knew that its not that I wanted to be abused its that I want to have the waiting taken away..

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This statement struck me. I think this way a lot...Kind of like, I know its coming so lets just get it over with.

Thanks for the share, I think I will read this thread a few times to process different parts of it.

[Mouse_]

Miss charlotte, yes a model...who'd funk thats what we need...I guess it also begins to blow away my politics of "I'll do it myself" it seems we do need others ..

Mckell, "deserve" is a word I used yesterday also...its like peeling back the layers of denial and seeling that underneath I dont really deserve to be loved...and where does this come from?.....these questions lead one back to real memorys eventually, the moments when one is frozen with shame when a smile isn't noticed or a cry isn't consoled...

[chaotic13]

This is where I wish I could really make myself believe and accept the Biblical concept of Grace. We don't deserve it, it is simply given to us.

Just not there yet I guess.

[pachyderm]