I spent the previous two days on the phone with T in a pretty manic state-- not focusing or hearing anything he was saying, getting stuck on words, phrases, rhymes, etc. It has been an exhausting time for me, as I am cycling moods faster than you can imagine. It is scary. Yesterday while on the phone with T I told him I didn't want to come today. I told him to put someone else in my place. At the end of the conversation he said, "So... what do you want me to do? What should put in my appointment book?" I told him of course I was coming, and to highlight my name in pink.

When I came into the roomt this morning, there was a paper on my chair with my name written in pink marker, as well as the date. On the bottom he wrote, "So.... what's been going on?" It was hilarious. I always bother him because he begins each session with that question and I told him I'm getting sick of it and not to say it anymore.

On the other chair was paper, markers, and colored pencils for me in case I wanted to use them because when I wrote his "evaluation" I mentioned how much it meant to me to be able to do art in his office.

He brought in a book of the artist, Francis Bacon. He marked off all of the paintings that he thought would mean something to me. We looked at the book together.

I never cried so hard in front of him before. He pulled his chair really close to mine and took my hand. He held my hand with both of his. He looked at the scars and cuts on my arms and put his hand over them. Tears ran down my cheeks as I told him, "You are the first person to ever not be afraid to touch me where I hurt myself." He told me, "I am not afraid." He sat holding my hand for around ten minutes as I cried over what I have done to my body, the fear of more mood swings and manic periods, the exhaustion of experiencing it while not being able to face any more of it, the need for my mother-- or a mother, and all the fear and little girl feelings that lie under the constant anger. He told me things like he wasn't going anywhere and he was accepting all parts of me. He felt every bit of pain along with me. He told me to squeeze his hand when things felt unreal and scary.

He came out to my car before I left and reminded me of a couple things he would like me to do. He told me to take care of myself until Tuesday, the next time I see him.

One thing I do remember on the phone is that I asked him at one point why he sounded sad. He said, "I guess it is because I do wish that I could just say something or do something that would magically take away all this pain for you."

[Gracey]

Pink,

I know you feel like it is hopeless right now, but I see so much hope in this posting. He has connected with you but more importantly you've connected with him. This is huge my dear - you've made a connection - you're not free floating anymore. And biggest of all - you've allowed him to touch your most damaged, most hurting places. What a powerful thing Pink.

You're in my high thoughts sweetie.

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Gracey said:
And biggest of all - you've allowed him to touch your most damaged, most hurting places. What a powerful thing Pink.


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Yes, you are right. When I told him no one ever touched me in those places, he said, "I bet you have never let anyone." Sometimes (most of the time) I do not give myself credit for the work done on my end. I took all of that shame and I let it go. I presented myself in front of him, completely raw, and allowed him to get closer than anyone ever has.

[Gracey]

So what does it mean to you that he's seen this brokenness, these damaged places. . .and he still accepts you?

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Gracey said:
So what does it mean to you that he's seen this brokenness, these damaged places. . .and he still accepts you?

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That he's kicking me outta therapy.

No, it means that I actually do believe that he is not going anywhere. It means that there is an incredible, solid level of trust that I have with him. It means that I can share more with him..... that someday I will allow myself to heal.

[pegasus]

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He told me things like he wasn't going anywhere and he was accepting all parts of me.

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That really is the key. Really wonderful!

(((((((((((( pinksoil ))))))))))))))

[Gracey]

Someday. . .

are we still shooting for over the rainbow someday? Or is someday sooner than later?

[Kiya]

(((((((pink))))))))
Such powerful stuff going on for you right now. Reading your posts are so real - like i can almost see the office, see him putting his hand over your cuts.
((((((tight hugs))))))))) kiya

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Gracey said:
Someday. . .

are we still shooting for over the rainbow someday? Or is someday sooner than later?

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[MissCharlotte]

Wow.

That is an incredibly powerful and healing session. It seems as if anything I could say would seem trite right now, but I really do believe he is an awesome T and his responsiveness is unsurpassed. I hope you can hang onto this for a bit, at least till Tuesday.

(((((pinksoil)))))

[ECHOES]

Yay, it sounds wonderful, and just what you needed. I love that he wrote your name and the opening question on a sheet of paper and put it on your chair. So funny, and fun.

Your T is lovely. (for a man T)

[Kiya]

so, did you draw???

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Kiya said:
so, did you draw???

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No way, I wasn't letting go of his hand for anything. Maybe on Tuesday I'll draw.

[Kiya]

lol - good point... forgot about that.

WOW! I am really happy you had such a great session! It sounds like in happened at the right time for you too. I have read some of your other posts and it sounds like you needed this. Hang in there, you can get though this.
((((((((((((pink soil)))))))))))

pink... this is beautiful.. im left without a lot of words to say here. i worry a little about his sadness, not that it's a bad thing, but how does this weigh out in relation to his view of your progress? i'd hate to see him stumble or lose courage when it's obvious that he is doing a FANTASTIC job... and so are you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tell him he has a fan club. im serious. (you can tell him other things too, ahem... arrrrroooooo!)

want me to make a fanclub poster?

[Razzleberry]

Wow, sounds like a very good therapist.

Dang....now I'm kicking myself for taking Philly off the "list" of places we were looking at moving to....(it was on the list at one point...long story)