session

really weird night - t tried to do a "relaxation" thing and it totally had me split into several pieces. It was like a visualization, a meadow with an oak tree in it... feel the air... then changed and i didn't get to hear it because part was arguing with me about how i keep blocking that part's attempts to self harm. Got into bad food all weekend, wanted to SI.... I keep blocking and the part was mad at me. We got to a point where I didn't feel i even had a body any more. she asked me some questions and i could barely move yet alone talk. no sensation of body. i got to move a finger an inch... and then make my head nod... i begged some other parts to please speak so t knew we were in trouble. finally, one did (thanks be given). When coming back into my body, i felt upside down... i couldn't tell if i was sitting (like i was when we started) or standing, lying, hanging from my ankles... it was really weird. I told her what happened during that; the part fighting me through the whole thing... how i lost my body... She asked me if i was grounded - i said mostly and that I would need to sit in my car a bit before leaving...
then she just ended - see you next week! Ummm.. hello!! i was really not ready to be thrown out into the world.
i went out and to the store - to try and ground...
I was sooooo very cold, i was shaking still from the experience, and then from the walk outside, and then just got super cold. i tried to get someone's attention at the store so i could get some tea, but i would have been 19 cents short.... so i was gonna just ask for hot water, but the dude never looked up. then i remembered i had hot soup in the car (also help to ground). On the freeway, i broke down cryin - part became self and self didn't want to ever go back - too hard to recover just from session! I know t's tryin to help me recover from past, and not just do "maitenence therapy", but you know, i don't know how many times i can put the pieces back together and keep functioning. I just dunno. then come home and have to have the pieces together for the family - like everything's fine. insta-scab... that can be ripped off next week and allowed to freely bleed until i have to function again.
i'm switching just writing this. =(
reaching out....
kiya

((((((((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))) T can be so hard. I am sorry that your t did not give you time to ground yourself. Maybe she didn't realize how bad you were. I know how hard it is to describe how you are feeling when you are like this but maybe you can come up with something with her to let her know you are not all right. Good self care on your part to find things that ground you.

T is very hard. Maybe you can consider slowing things down in t for a bit letting you not to become retraumatized every week. May be worth considering with your t.

I hope you are feeling better today and the switching is less frequent.

BB

Thanks bb ... in a really hard place today =( still a lot of switching, crying in public places and easily irritated... trying to ground and stay focused but losing...

((((((((Kiya))))))))



sorry I'm not much good with words but you're in my thoughts

thank you!!! Hugs back =) i really want to go snuggle up in bed with a stuffy and a kid's book (like i did all morning), but i have to go out =(

Poor you, I hate having to go out when I feel like that.

Just remembr, you're not alone, all your PC friends are with you in spirit.

I hope you have some time this evening to snuggle with a stuffy and maybe read a book.

BB

BB ((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) thank you - i just got home - am checking in (this keeps me sane) and then once my bed is warm i will do just that.... i did have a panic attack tonight but got through better than usual; dissociated rather than flee. but i am finding out how much cheek chomping happened during that time (and continues).
Kiya

How are you, Kiya?

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

(((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))

(((((((((sunrise, fuzzybear)))))))))

You know how it goes - some moments are better, some great, and some... like right now, are just really down. I never seem to know "who" is coming and going, until i have a total personality switch... and sometimes not even then. I am frustrated with how little gets done - i have tons of ideas (12 people's worth) and yet because they all want to work on *their* project right then, and there is no set time schedule or cooperation, nothing gets done - but maybe eating chocolate and reading a kids book, or hanging out on the net (things that allow the brain to float away until it is needed again).

How is everyone here? Kiya

(((Kiya)))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
there is no set time schedule or cooperation, nothing gets done

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Kiya, does your therapy involve getting them to cooperate better? Does your T ever do "family therapy" with multiple alters participating? I don't have DID, just ego states, but last time I was with my T, he did a little "couples therapy" with me and this one particular ego state. Since I have done couples therapy with my husband with T, it was kind of amusing to have T use the same technique with me and this (male) ego state. But it makes sense the same techniques would be helpful. I read somewhere that one of the goals of ego state therapy is to get the parts to cooperate better. Is that also a goal for DID therapy?

huh - i have no idea. what is the difference between ego states and parts?
my t and i are new to each other, so we're still figuring things out. =( after each time i wish i could quit, you know?

(((((Kiya)))))

Never give up on yourself, you're worth more than that.

((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))

sanks

Aww (((Kiya))), I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with therapy. Try to hang in there though