[sidony]

Do you guys ever feel like you're being told to state the obvious over and over and over and over?

A lot of my therapy has been like that. I'll describe what's going on in my life. My T will ask me how I feel about it. I'll stumble around and try to describe how I feel. Then T will say "what would happen if you said this [to the person involved IRL]?" And I'm like "I don't know -- it never occurred to me."

That same T exchange has happened approximately one billion times now. I'm finally starting to get it. A couple of days ago I got an email from a friend asking me something I couldn't figure out how to respond to. My typical method of dealing with that is to not answer the email until I've figured out exactly what I want to say. Which sometimes means I don't answer for a long time and then people get all pissed off at me for (supposedly) ignoring them. This time I did things differently -- I sent a note back saying I'd gotten their email and was thinking about what they'd asked me but couldn't figure out how to respond just yet and would write back when I did! And I gotta say, stating the obvious like that is really helpful. I mean we had a whole healthy exchange on the topic and then I got a chance to really think about it without pissing anyone off.

So why did it take so long for me to figure out the obvious?

It seriously never occurred to me to actually state how I felt about something. And I know we'll have this exchange in T a couple more billion times yet. It's helpful.

Sidony

[Perna]

I think the obvious could be harder to see because we spent so much time in our childhood dealing with subtleties. My stepmother was only obvious about what she wanted, didn't want to hear my "opinion" when it disagreed with hers. So my obvious wasn't expressed, I didn't get practice and slowly learned to see things only her way.

I do this too. A lot. Obvious now that you mention it, but it simply never occurred to me. Aren't other people great for that :-)

[ECHOES]

sidony, this sounds like the next great therapy session discussion

It's freeing to be able to say I don't know or That's Interesting and I want to think more about it. It takes so much pressure off when you can give yourself room around your feelings.

I struggle with it even having been trying to remember and practice it for several years. I hope you are a quicker study than me.

[Mouse_]

sidony, thats is real cool, so many times I feel I need to have the answer immediately ..but yes telling someone we need time to think about something is perfect!

[Kiya]

sidony, that is a good nderstanding. yeah, the subtleies are still a constant in my household even today. it is hard to work around. sounds great!

[sunrise]

Sidony, I think it's great you have figured out "the obvious." And it seems so simple now, doesn't it? I have had experiences like that in therapy, where I have heard the same thing from T multiple times, but it somehow just doesn't penetrate. I think we have to be ready to hear these things, in some way. Maybe sometimes being "ready" means having to hear it 47 times before we understand.

yup yup and yup

i would tell T about how H had yelled at me and torn me down and he would look at me and say "why didn't you just say goodbye and hang up? or not answer the phone?" It had never occurred to me. Like a lamp getting turned on.

nice job on the "obvious"