I am feeling terrible right now, and don't even know if I'll be able to make a coherent post about it, but I'm going to try.

I had therapy today. I love my therapist, he is great. The problem isn't with him.

We were talking about my NEEDS, and it's such an awful topic for me. I can go in there and "report" all of this EVENTS that have happened to me - terrible things - and I feel fine. But when it comes to talking about my feelings or my needs - it's so, so hard. I've spent many, many, many years - my whole life - denying I have feelings or needs. I just can't cope with talking about it.

I e-mailed after my last appointment (which was another really hard one, talking about and feeling my FEELINGS) and told him I wanted to ask for a hug. He wanted to talk about that today. A hug IS available to me, I know that. But having that need feels so big and unreasonable to me, and talking about it was torture. At the end of the appointment, we touched fingertips, because I just felt like a hug, or even a handshake, would be way too much, and when I left i was sure he was angry at me and hated me. I called him and he said (of course) that he wasn't angry at me at all. But....ugh, I just feel terrible.

And the other thing that is REALLY upsetting me is that I "check out" a lot during therapy. We'll be talking, everything will seem okay, he'll start to seem kind of far away and then I blank out. Then I'll be noticing the room - the rug, the walls, etc, and I'll hear him talking, but I really can't remember what the heck we're talking about. If I try REALLY hard I can sometimes remember what the topic was, but usually I just kind of jump back in based on what he's saying, or I'll just change to a new subject. I told him about this today, and now I really, really wish I didn't. It's making me SICK. I don't know why.

Help! I feel awful and don't know what to do

[its_me]

Needs are a very difficult thing to express - we seem to feel as if our needs aren't important and having them in some way makes us selfish or something, I don't know. But I do understand how hard it is and the same with feelings - we like to deny those. After many years, i have just started to express my feelings and I'm still not okay with it, but I believe we have to try. I also have spent a lot of sessions "checked out" but I think of it as "zoning out"... I have done that not just in therapy but also when anyone would talk with me about myself. I could be with friends, teachers, family, at church - wherever. I don't do it as much any more, but I have to consciously make an effort.

I love the fact that you could even touch fingertips - how special. One step at a time. When you finally accept the hug - you will just have it in your memory bank - so that it is always there. One T I had would kiss the palm of my hand and then close my hand into a fist and tell me to save it for later. I would go for hours - afraid to open my hand becuase I didn't want to lose that kiss.

You are doing so good. Keep it up...