Finally. I left feeling good and am not angry this morning. T told me that he didn't read any of my emails (He banned me from sending them earlier this year). I was actually glad because I felt horrible for what I had written.

We talked about how I can't stand it when others are angry at me and that this is why I couldn't stand it when he was. I feel like he really heard me yesterday, that he really understood. I told him that I thought I was projecting my feelings onto him -- my intense feelings of anger -- and that it felt like he was emotionally withdrawing.

I told him about how angry it makes me when I feel like I am being called selfish or self-centered. I said that all of my behavior is an attempt to rid myself of these awful feelings. I don't think I will ever be able to explain how it feels to a person who has never felt this way. However, I felt like he listened and tried to understand.

Now he is going on vacation and will be back Monday. My appointments were usually Tuesdays and Thursdays but I forgot to make appointments early (Uggghhhh). So, I only have one appointment next week and it's on Friday! How in the @#%# am I going to make it until then? I'm finally feeling better than I have been and if I am being "weaned" off T (which I'm not) isn't it supposed to be gradual? I felt totally understood except for this part. T did look at the schedule and told his secretary to call me if anyone cancels next Monday or Wednesday after 3:00. Plus, my appointments are on different days for the next month or so. Do I have to hold up a sign and beg, "WILL WORK FOR T."? This is so humiliating.

[Kiya]

=( hold on to the good! think on those things!!

[MissCharlotte]

(((Soliaree))))

Yeah, hold onto the good. Know, just know that you will have what you need. I admire your courage in continuing to go back despite the intense pain surrounding your visits. Bravo!

Peace

aww soli... im sorry babe. But you know... hang onto the good parts.. you arent mad anymore and you are reconciling with T.. hang onto those. He really should allow email when you dont get the two sessions/week though.

[chaotic13]

I really hate feeling like I am being selfish or self-centered. When I feel this way I assume that others are judging me like this too. I've just started trying to voice stuff that is going through my head without screening it. Unfortunately, when I do this I sound really selfish and shallow and like I'm just a big complainer. I hate how I feel now after what I said yesterday in the session. I understand in therapy your supposed to say what is on your mind, unfortunately, I don't think what I say reflects very well on me.

Glad your session was better than the last few you've had.

Maybe try and bribe him with a new Hippo.....Hippo for an earlier session?

I am surprised that your T does not have you just normally scheduled for your days. I need my own days and times...and I need them to be consistently mine....

It must be hard....hang in there!

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( Soliaree )))))))))))

[sidony]

Soliaree, I'm glad you had such a good session! Sorry about the wait for the next one, that sucks. But you'll get through it. I'm really glad he was listening to you so well.

Okay I gotta say: What happened with the hippo?! I keep seeing references to that, but the thread must have occurred while I was away from PC for a bit. I feel left out! Help!

Sidony

Well, he has the hippo. I fought for custody and lost. As Alan Jackson said in a song, "The boy doesn't always get the girl, in the real world." In this case, the girl doesn't get the hippo.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Soliaree said:
Well, he has the hippo. I fought for custody and lost.

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You know, if the judge knew that hippo was left alone when T left the office, I bet he would have given a different verdict ..... i believe that is abandonment!

[lauren_helene]

Soliaree (((hugs)) on fighting for custody and losing the hippo. But it sounds like you gained some insights The process is a bunch of spikes and waves isn't it?