I had an intense session with T yesterday. We talked about something that happened to me when I was younger, 12. He told me that I tell him about past experiences like this like it was a movie. He said that I don't seem to be able to connect with the emotions.

Also, there have been indicators that may or may not point to me possibly having a repressed memory. I remember the first part of it, but nothing else. But I don't think anything horrible happened. I don't feel like I'm hiding anything from myself.

He said that it is possible that I split my emotions/thoughts back then. He said that we are going to do EMDR again.

It's really a weird feeling not fully knowing yourself. Do I or don't I? I may never know. Is there anything I'm not remembering? I have no idea, but I don't feel it now. Would I know this?

It's confusing and I feel helpless because all I can do is sit and wait. Am I making any sense whatsoever? I just don't know.

[Perna]

I don't know. Some "memories" can just be what we were told about something that happened or just matter-of-fact anyway, even though they'd be upsetting to others? I had a T who was convinced I had a traumatic memory that I don't have and did more harm to me trying to force me to "remember" what isn't there than a memory like that would have/has on me. I don't think if memories aren't coming up "naturally" that it is necessarily their time, especially if you aren't feeling bad/upset about it and consciously trying to hide anything, etc.

I wouldn't let someone else dictate what I should or should not be feeling. It's your therapy and if you're feeling anxious/helpless that's not good? I wouldn't like that. Can you find a memory that you do attach feelings too, good or bad? I'd start with something easy/that works and work up to things that aren't coming right away.

[sunrise]

Soliaree, I had some repressed memories I recovered the first year I did therapy with my current T. We were doing EMDR in therapy, and one night at home, I just recovered these really bad memories from my childhood. I told T and he was not surprised. He said it is very common for this to happen--that the relief provided by EMDR can be immense once you start and the memories inside your brain just "line up" waiting to be processed. I can picture all the memories jostling each other in the brain, shouting "Me next, me next! My turn, my turn!" When I recovered these repressed memories, it took me a while before we could get to the point of doing EMDR on them because they were so intense and shameful I couldn't share them right away with T. But finally I could and we did EMDR on them and it really helped. One memory at a time...

I think your memories will come out when they are ready. No need to rush things or go digging for the buried experiences.

Good luck.

[foreverlost]

Please be careful about accepting supposed memories that are supposedly repressed. Most repressed memories cannot be verified and so it is actually impossible to tell if they are real. There was a time, hopefully over, when therapists almost tried to induce repressed memories, many were later shown to be false, and lots of people and families were horribly destroyed. Many of my own symptoms are common in those with sexual abuse. But I KNOW this did not happen to me, and I'm not going to succumb to a false memory just because it would make sense.
Sorry I'm such a skeptic. I also think it is sometimes very good that we don't remember everything.
Thinking of you - take care.

[MissCharlotte]

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He said that I don't seem to be able to connect with the emotions.

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Hmmmm. Sounds like me reading my poem like a grocery list. I have a lot of trouble touching the emotion also Sol. It's so hard, I think because it's so painful.

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Am I making any sense whatsoever? I

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Soliaree,
Your post makes absolutely perfect sense to me. I split out a long time ago as well. The work of putting ourselves back together is excruciating. Big hugs for you.

[chaotic13]

I have a lot of silent movies. I can sit and tell the details, often quoting a conversation dialog but in a low key, 3rd person way. I sat in one therapy and described the chain of events leading to the removal of my mother's ventilator. I recalled the entire conversation with her physician, described both my brother's and father's emotions states... everything in very clear detail--except my personal emotions were missing. Now when I think about that session, I feel really bad because I wasn't being stoic and forcing myself to withhold my emotions. I honestly didn't have them. My mother was a wonderful person and deserves to be morned by me at some point. I'm just *&^%ed up.

I have that disconnect between my story and my emotions. I can sit there and report this really awful stuff that happened, but don't feel anything. I guess I feel fear that I'm telling, but that's about it. And sometimes, not even that. I'm scared to feel the feelings - but it's really a non-issue, because I don't seem to have any way to access them anyhow.

As for the memory stuff.... in my experience, the memories come when I'm ready for them. Well, I don't know if I'm ready for them - but they come in their own time. I would personally be scared to use EMDR or any other technique to try to pull them out before I'm ready. I feel like I don't remember the details for a reason. That's just me and my experience, though.

What do YOU want to do? It's up to YOU.

There is a difference between discussing something that happened without feeling (ie that the feeling is dissociated or split off) and a repressed memory. A repressed memory is a "supposed memory" that is supposedly hidden by dissociation.

I agree with the previous post about repressed memories. I would be careful. In my experience, I have never met anyone that had repressed memories. Most people I have met have remembered their "abusive experiences" to some degree. And most people I know have verified abuse and some horrific abuse at that.

Repression is very conterversial because we know so little about the brain and memory. I am not saying that it is not possible. I am saying that my experience tells me different. The problem with forcing one to believe they have repressed memories is that it can literally cause you so much pain. And if it is not true, that is harmful.

Some theorize that "horrific abuse" causes repression. That has been disproven by many scientists, as many people who experienced horrific abuse (well-documented, etc) showed no repression of memory. They may show denial and dissociative traits, but not complete forgetting of events.

Just my 2 cents.....

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Riptide said:

They may show denial and dissociative traits, but not complete forgetting of events.


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This has been my experience. I definitely remember the events in a really general sense. It's more like the details get filled in later, if that makes any sense.

I hate the details

[sunrise]

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Riptide said:
I have never met anyone that had repressed memories.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Well, I had them. And no one put them into my head. I recovered them on my own with no warning, out of the blue. For me, the memories were simply ones I had not remembered for many years, since they happened. They were very painful, so I guess I just blocked them out of my mind. Then many years later they came back to me. The blocking of the painful memories is just a coping mechanism. It's pretty natural, I believe, a way of surviving. I never doubted the memories and even became able to ask family members about them and family remembered them too. But what happened to me hadn't been traumatic in the same way for the "onlookers" so they hadn't repressed the memories like I did. I actually think it's kind of cool that the mind knows how to repress such painful stuff. We are looking out for ourselves!

Thanks everyone. I am being very cautious because I don't believe that there has been anything massively horrific or different that I don't remember. There is just one event that I remember a few parts of, but not the whole thing. I have used EMDR before and it really has worked. It has brought back feelings from things that I had remembered cognitively but not emotionally. I think it helps one experience the emotions to certain events that one just remembers cognitively. And this is my main problem, that my emotions are split from my thoughts. I see T again on Monday and I think we might do EMDR. --