T, these words hurt me

"i cant read another email from you"
"i have to consult with my boss about you because i don't know what to do"
"would i let a 6 year old climb in my lap? yes. would i let you? no. that's inappropriate."
"i'm not your friend. i'm not your family. I'm your therapist."
"i keep my work and my life separate. I can't take you home with me"
"i can't see you. [until you get the numbers for your new insurance. could take weeks]
"if your so upset with the way i do things i don't get why you continue to come here and pay me"
"your very needy and crisis oriented and i can't be there all the time."
"you don't even know me. No, i'm not going to tell you my deep dark secrets. I keep my life separate."
"i feel like i constantly have to defend myself to you."
{in regards to the box} "i dont have to give you anything. you pay me to come here for 50 minutes and thats all i'm required to give you"

these are spinning in my head. what do i do with all this?

I can understand the part about not disclosing personal information about her life. I actually don't want my T to do that and last session she said she doesn't schedule on Fridays normally but would if I wanted to come on Fridays; however, that would be with the understanding that sometimes she would have to reschedule when she wants to go out of town for the weekend. Even that, knowing she goes out of town some weekends, is more than I want to know because I tend to obsess, so the fewer details the better for me.

Knowing what kind of a T and what kind of therapy I want, the rest of what you posted here would allow me to realize that I had not found the right T for me so I would be looking for and looking forward to a new T.

Ouch, Krazibean. That does hurt. I'm sorry. And I really DON'T know what to suggest you do about it. Those are hard things to hear. Some of it...like "I need to consult about you" I would be okay with (actually I WANT T to consult about me because he has no eating d/o experience), but other stuff like "I can't read another e-mail from you" would really hurt. There are more gentle ways to say things, and I do let my T know (eventually!) when I think he could have said the same thing in a more gentle way.

Sending you lots of

=(

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
krazibean said:
"i cant read another email from you" <font color="blue"> A good therapist would have worded this in a different way! </font>
"i have to consult with my boss about you because i don't know what to do" <font color="blue">You, the client do not need to know whether the T needs to consult anyone else about you. T didn't need to tell you that. </font>
"would i let a 6 year old climb in my lap? yes. would i let you? no. that's inappropriate." <font color="blue">True but boundaries should have been set right from the beginning. </font>
"i'm not your friend. i'm not your family. I'm your therapist." <font color="blue">True but could have been said much earlier. </font>
"i keep my work and my life separate. I can't take you home with me" <font color="blue"> Good boundary setting but did your T say that she would? </font>
"i can't see you. [until you get the numbers for your new insurance. could take weeks]
"if your so upset with the way i do things i don't get why you continue to come here and pay me" <font color="blue">Unethical! and rude. </font>
"your very needy and crisis oriented and i can't be there all the time." <font color="blue">Could have been worded better. </font>
"you don't even know me. No, i'm not going to tell you my deep dark secrets. I keep my life separate." <font color="blue"> ok, good boundary setting. </font>
"i feel like i constantly have to defend myself to you." <font color="blue">This is a therapist? </font>
{in regards to the box} "i dont have to give you anything. you pay me to come here for 50 minutes and thats all i'm required to give you" <font color="blue">T should never have even given you a box in the first place! Giving patients gifts is a big No! No! </font>

these are spinning in my head. what do i do with all this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="blue"> Find another T! </font>

((((((((((( Krazibean ))))))))))))

FWIW:

"i cant read another email from you"

Maybe she is tuckered out.

"i have to consult with my boss about you because i don't know what to do"

Now THAT is encouraging, isn't it!

"would i let a 6 year old climb in my lap? yes. would i let you? no. that's inappropriate."

If she said you are physically too big, that would be true. I hate the word "inappropriate." As though there is a universal standard for appropriateness.

"i'm not your friend. i'm not your family. I'm your therapist."
"i keep my work and my life separate. I can't take you home with me"

True, and OK with me.

"i can't see you. [until you get the numbers for your new insurance. could take weeks]

Urk!

"if your so upset with the way i do things i don't get why you continue to come here and pay me"

Sounds as though she is made insecure by your reaction to her.

"your very needy and crisis oriented and i can't be there all the time."

Being needy is bad, I guess. That's why you are there! The last part is literally true, though.

"you don't even know me. No, i'm not going to tell you my deep dark secrets. I keep my life separate."

True, even if you would like her to share all that.

"i feel like i constantly have to defend myself to you."

Insecure.

{in regards to the box} "i dont have to give you anything. you pay me to come here for 50 minutes and thats all i'm required to give you"

Give her the damn box, T!

There is simply no way promising work can be accomplished when you are not comfortable with your therapist.

His/her couchside manner leaves much to be desired...

IMHO.

Lenny

to you, krazibean

((((((((((((((( Krazibean )))))))))))))))))


I'm sorry your T is being hurtful towards you, if it were me I would be finding a new T.

(((Krazibean)))
Doesn't sound like she is the right therapist to work with you. Honestly, I could see myself (before I had kids) saying something like this to someone who I perceived as being too needy. It does not sound like something a mental health professional would say to a client.

I'd move on to someone new.

You all may be right. but its so hard to hear. for some reason i love her so much

thought of a few more:

"I've never had anyone come in here and constantly questioned the therapy process and relationship like you do."
"Most people just come once a week. You need to come twice a week and even that is not enough for you. I'm having a hard time even seeing you twice a week"
"You're 19 and i'm going to treat you like your 19. I'm not going to coddle you or treat you like your a child. Even though you may sometimes feel like a child, i'm not going to pitty you."

...

krazibean, this must be so hard for you. I think making a list like that of all the things she has said that have been hurtful is a powerful technique that can help you in a decision. How brave to make this list. If you are unsure how to proceed, maybe you should make a companion list of all the things your T does that you like, so you can see if they balance out, or if the negatives outweigh the positives.

I was especially troubled by this comment: "i feel like i constantly have to defend myself to you" That sounds like she really doesn't know how to be a T. Maybe you need someone more experienced.

Good luck.

Krazibean,
Although I know it hurts, It does sound like you need a new T.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"i cant read another email from you"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Can't or Won't? This should have been worded in such a different way. I had this problem, too. I emailed my T constantly. He told me that I could no longer email him anymore but that I could go to two days a week. LOL, I was banned from email. When I just couldn't help myself and I kept emailing him, he told me that he just deletes them and doesn't read them, LOL. It actually has taken away the desire to email him.

The manner in which your T speaks leaves a lot to be desired. The I can't read another email from you focuses everything on her.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"would i let a 6 year old climb in my lap? yes. would i let you? no. that's inappropriate."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

How humiliated you must have felt! How about, "I hear you feel the desire to sit on my lap and be held. Let's explore those feelings."

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i'm not your friend. i'm not your family. I'm your therapist." "i keep my work and my life separate. I can't take you home with me"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yes, I've been told this also and it hurts like hell. However, all of her statements focus on herself, "I'm not your friend. I'm not . .. and so forth."

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"if your so upset with the way i do things i don't get why you continue to come here and pay me"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You've got to be kidding? Tell her to refer to her above questions. Has she even tried to analyze your behavior to get to the root of it? Or would she rather try and frustrate you? I don't get why she can't speak to you like you are a human being.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
your very needy and crisis oriented and I can't be there all the time."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

YOUR T SAYS: Bad! Bad! You. You're very needy and crisis oriented. I wanted someone to come in who is independent and whole. With you I might have to work a little, to figure out what is going on. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Why can't I get the clients who are easy? Waaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaaa.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
you don't even know me. No, I'm not going to tell you my deep dark secrets. I keep my life separate."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Okay, I've heard this but not in this way. Again, the sentences focus on her. "you don't even know ME." Are you sure this chick is licensed? I'm so sorry Krazibean, I hate to do this, but I am so angry that you are being treated like this!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i feel like i constantly have to defend myself to you."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So, T, what are you going to do about feeling that you constantly have to defend yourself? How about, oh, let's see, BLAME IT ON THE PATIENT? If this is true, use your counter-transference to try and figure out what is going on with your client. OR you can say idiotic hurtful things intended to berate your client.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
" I dont have to give you anything. you pay me to come here for 50 minutes and thats all I'm required to give you"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

OMG! I am in so much disbelief! You should say,

Well, T, I pay you not only to come here but to actually do some therapeutic work while I'm here. You told me that you were going to put things in the box and then didn't. No, you dont owe me anything but if you had any integrity you would have done what you promised. But, since you didn't and I let you know that I was hurt, you totally responded in a defensive tone.

Krazibean,
Please forgive me for being so angry. Her demeanor and attitude has hurt you and I hope you can find it within yourself to seek another T, and empathic T who you deserve. This infuriates me!

Please keep us updated! I know you think a lot of your T, but I hope that you aren't taking these negative statements to heart! I'm here for you if you need me, PM me if you chose. Take care of yourself and please DUMP YOUR T! You deserve so much better.

Krazibean,
I am utterly disgusted at how this T is treating you. (((Krazi)))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've never had anyone come in here and constantly questioned the therapy process and relationship like you do."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Okay, what's her point? How dare anyone question, or constantly question (so, this was the only thing in which you questioned her about?) the therapy process and relationship! Does she think that everyone should just come in and question nothing? She has a ton of baggage that she needs to get rid of. This is not you, Krazi.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Most people just come once a week. You need to come twice a week and even that is not enough for you. I'm having a hard time even seeing you twice a week"

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Ughhhhhhhhh. "Most people" - terms like that are not really touted as being positive with therapists. Except this one. That is not enough for you? UNBELIEVABLE???? And she's having a hard time EVEN seeing you twice a week? WTF????? That is her stuff and she's dumping it on you.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"You're 19 and i'm going to treat you like your 19. I'm not going to coddle you or treat you like your a child. Even though you may sometimes feel like a child, i'm not going to pitty you."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm so sorry Krazibean. I'm so sorry. This really bothers me, it makes me sick. You deserve so much better than this! I wish I could fix your problem. Take care.

krazibean

It might be hard to sort out, but it could be that your loving her is because that's what you want and that's what you need and both are absolutely fine; but are you getting what you want and need with her?

Can you imagine a T who is very responsive to your needs and what that would be like?

When I told my T I wanted physical comfort from her, hugs or for her to sit beside me and hold be, she really listened to me and very gently said "If I thought it would be therapeutic for you, I would, but in the long run I don't think it would benefit you." That was so gentle and I felt heard and understood. We simply talked about what that would be like for me to feel that kind of comforting. She's good at that, reminding me that things like that are about me and my feelings.

My T also offered unlimited phone calls. Sometimes I just call to leave a message and sometimes I need her to call me and the deal is she will call me if I ask. Several times she has called me when I was very distressed but didn't ask for her to call. I feel so cared for by her in so many ways, ways that far surpass the physical comfort I first sought.

You know what you have with this T if you stay. It won't change. What's important is what you want and need. I think you can expect to have the love you have for another T because that love is about you and comes from within you.

Change is hard. We stay with the familiar, just because familiar in itself is comforting, even if it isn't what we need or truly want.

Bean...

I am not going to go through all your T"s statements cause it has been done. Some of her statements were appropriate, MOST were not or were said incorrectly.

You need to find a new T. Something is wrong with her. No T should treat clients like that.

She sucks

so sorry KB

you will get over this T, and in a way, it's a gift because now you can move along to the better T for you, as this one was selling you short.

everything Pegasus said is correct.

re-read and know you were unnecessarily hurt so your feeling are justified - now what?

time for a new T - an exciting time perhaps, to know you can be helped far better than the constipated one who 'loses' that job due to unprofessionalism.

just some thoughts.

be well,
nightbird

Your new T will be able to help you sort through this too.

I am too mad to say much right now but please consider finding a new T...

right???

this T really is not really 'on her toes' you know?

these things - the words - would not have been said by a real healthy thinking person, in a way to be internalized as such.

that #$%^&amp;!

who does she think she is? so sorry again bean

good riddance to this misinformed under-qualified counsellor of all that sucks!!

night

Hey Krazibean.

I am going to stay neutral about the statements only because I prefer not to evaluate or comment on something when i do not know the context that it was said in.

I would rather focus on you saying that you love your T. I know a lot of people on here say "get a new T" but that's easier said than done. I think that you should ask yourself some questions: What do you love about her? How has she helped you (if at all) in your journey towards recovery? Do you feel you would be better off with someone else? In what ways do you feel she has been damaging to you?

I am sorry you are hurting. I realize how difficult it can be to break away from someone who might be hurting you more than helping you. Sometimes the hurt alone is the most familiar thing that we have-- and it becomes difficult to let go of.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
krazibean said:
"i cant read another email from you"
"i have to consult with my boss about you because i don't know what to do"
"would i let a 6 year old climb in my lap? yes. would i let you? no. that's inappropriate."
"i'm not your friend. i'm not your family. I'm your therapist."
"i keep my work and my life separate. I can't take you home with me"
"i can't see you. [until you get the numbers for your new insurance. could take weeks]
"if your so upset with the way i do things i don't get why you continue to come here and pay me"
"your very needy and crisis oriented and i can't be there all the time."
"you don't even know me. No, i'm not going to tell you my deep dark secrets. I keep my life separate."
"i feel like i constantly have to defend myself to you."
{in regards to the box} "i dont have to give you anything. you pay me to come here for 50 minutes and thats all i'm required to give you"

these are spinning in my head. what do i do with all this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="green">Hmm.. I don't know. Depends on the context I'd say. If your T. says that verbatim, I'd ditch the guy. It seems really unprofessional and entirely unempathetic. If his excuse is that you are "disturbed" with XYZ disorder and that he has to respond in a certain way... well that's just malarky isn't it mate? He's a psychologist. They need to respond better than this. I think it's a good thing for you really--- to give you a chance to know a good therapist from a bad one. This ones got to go, IMO. In fact, he's borderline abusive.
I'd find a new one in your area ASAP. If you are behaving irresponsibly, it still doesn't matter---he's the trained therapist, licensed in his state for clinical psychology. They are trained to deal with issues like that. Put it this way: You trust this guy to help you solve your problems?

Best of luck mate. </font>