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#1
May 11, 2008, 08:18 AM
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What is changing for me now because of therapy?
Well I told T last week, that my suicidle idolation was easier until recently because I didnt ever feel anyone would miss me if I wasn't around, but suddenly I feel so connected to my children that one day last week I felt overwhelmed by the realisation of the love I have for them and how I allowed myself to feel that I am loved by them and also how much I love them and am in no way ready to leave them now. I said I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet? T said, well if you feel/felt it then you are ready. I said, well that really makes life a little scary now, actually wanting to stick around and face the reality that one day I will die, instead of protecting myself from this by fantasying my own death. I also feel a lot calmer lately and feel myself experience loss to a bigger degree, mourning more, but as I mourn for what I never had I am held together by what I do have with T now, and realise that my mourning is only possible now because I do have something real/valid/tangible with T. The mourning feels almost like a springing back and forward feeling. One moment I am awash with breath taking realisations of what I missed and then showered gently with what I have with T.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#2
May 11, 2008, 08:28 AM
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> that really makes life a little scary now, actually wanting to stick around and face the reality that one day I will die...
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Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#3
May 11, 2008, 10:47 AM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
felt overwhelmed by the realisation of the love I have for them and how I allowed myself to feel that I am loved by them </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> HI Mouse, What a beautiful sentiment. Today is Mother's Day in the US and I am feeling this love of my children as well. It is the thought of my children that comes up when the suicidal ideation feels most intense. To feel their love as well as your love for them is such a gift. I know my children love me and in that knowing I feel healing from the pain of my mother's distant nature. Thanks for sharing
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#4
May 11, 2008, 10:54 AM
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~< The mourning feels almost like a springing back and forward feeling. One moment I am awash with breathtaking realisations of what I missed and then showered gently with what I have with T.
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