How?

How does one stop hating themselves when that's all they've ever known? To treat myself with compassion is so foreign to me. I keep thinking, if I hate myself enough, or beat myself up enough, then I will be "better". I guess this was learned as a child, but I am so sick of thinking/feeling like a child. I don't know how to not hate myself for being who I am, having all these immature parts, for not acting/feeling like an adult. It all makes me feel so ashamed. I go to therapy and I just end up confused, nothing seems to make sense. I don't have a clue how to like myself, much less love myself. I just don't think I'm worth it. I could write pages on why I deserve to be hurt, even killed. How do I find compassion for me, without hating the part that tries to be compassionate because she doesn't deserve it?
OK, now I realize that this doesn't even make sense, but this is how my brain works. Let's just call it a rant, sorry.

Thank you for listening. I'm really frustrated right now.

Does it help to know that God created you, and that He doesn't make mistakes? Try to picture the traits that God knows you have, deep down.....good ones, no? Ever try journaling yet keeping that journaling to positive things? What good things do your friends have to say about you? I feel like a child myself probably 80% of the time yet I remind myself that others say good things about me and they must be true........

Hmm...I struggle with this myself and you sound like me.

Sometimes I try and look for something good I have done in my life. Maybe even something as "small" as holding the door for an elderly person....then I try and find other things and make a list.

I then have a list and I look at the list and try and tell myself that a "truely horrible person who should be killed" would not have done these things.

Or I try and break my life into segments. And look to see if over these segments I have done things and grown. A "truly horrible person who should be killed" does not grow positively over time.

Another method I use is to compare my actions to those actions of people that hurt me in my life. Sometimes just realizing how different my actions have been compared with theirs helps challenge beliefs about myself.

It is a struggle everyday, but try looking for small things that challenge those thoughts.

You made complete sense. I agree with Rip, in that you need to start with the small things. Try to find things that are small enough that you won't counter them and negate their goodness. Have you ever.... type things... have you ever posted to someone who needed support? Have you ever spoken to someone, or smiled at a child who needed it? Have you ever said "thank you" to someone? Those are all good things about you!

Next, continue to counter the negative, erroneous thoughts. It's a process.