[sunrise]

I am going to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner next week for consultation on meds. (Currently I do not take psychoactive meds.) At my T session this week I raised the issue of some symptoms with him that I've never discussed before (although he's figured some of it out--yeah, they're smart, these T's), and he says they are similar to those of adults with ADHD. The conversation was really interesting--we discussed medicines that can help with these symptoms. He made me feel OK about the possibility of taking meds and even of possibly having ADHD, like it was not a personal failure of character.

I've never talked about meds with him before, probably because he has helped me so much just through psychotherapy and also because I had a bad experience with my first counselor on this topic. When I raised the possibility of anti-depressants with her, I had been depressed for a long time and was at rock bottom and barely functioning. She was very negative and told me she wouldn't work with me if I took ADs. The way she said it made me feel bad about myself and ashamed, so I didn't try to get help from drugs after what she said (I felt like I couldn't go against her and she was the therapist so she must know best), plus it is kind of in my make-up to always try to "do it on my own" so her judgemental reaction played into that. I can still hear her saying when I inquired about ADs, in this very pissy tone of voice, "Oh, so that's what you want, is it?"

Anyway, I felt none of those bad and ashamed feelings talking with my T this week. It was a great discussion and since I have quite a bit of knowledge of the biochemistry of the brain due to my job, we could really get down to talking molecules! When I took Buspar for anxiety last summer for 3 months (I never told T about that until this week, because inside I think I had this fear that he too would think ill of me if I took meds ), it didn't really help with my anxiety but instead had all these other great effects, basically eliminating what I now know to be ADHD symptoms. It was great!!! (I stopped taking it because it stopped working.) We talked about why that drug would help the ADHD-like symptoms, even though it is intended for anxiety, and I came to a greater understanding of what might be going on in my brain. It was a sweet discussion.... I shouldn't have been so phobic about talking about drugs with him before. It has been one of the last taboo topics between us, and I didn't really even realize that until we had the discussion. It has taken me a couple of months to work up to this with him.

Anyway, he has referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner who can prescribe meds (she is also a trained therapist and does psychotherapy). He says she is great, that's who he sends clients to for meds consultations, and she knows a lot about adult ADHD. I talked to her on the phone and she's really nice, plus she returns calls right away! (T, you could take a lesson there. )

So I'm starting off on a new path. I'm not sure if she'll decide I have ADHD or not (or maybe still some depression or anxiety?), but if she can help me with the ADHD-like symptoms, I would be so much more functional. I see her next week and am keeping my fingers crossed.

[Perna]

How exciting, sunrise! Keep us up to date on what's happening, if you find a med(s) to help. I love nurse practitioners.

[MissCharlotte]

Sunrise,

I think it's great news that you were able to open up to T and discuss something that was really bothering you--especially after that awful comment the other T made. After all, that's what he is there for right?

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t was a sweet discussion.

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Sigh. This description makes me smile. I bet you did too.

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I shouldn't have been so phobic about talking about drugs with him before.

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Well, you had past trauma in this area that made you reluctant to bring it up again, so you were really very brave to broach the topic!

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It has been one of the last taboo topics between us

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Well, I think that we deal with things when we are ready and feel safe enough. I still have things I am trying to work up the courage to discuss.

Thanks for sharing this session and good luck with your appointment.

[Kiya]

Sunrise, I am glad you had a good session and hope you find what you are needing from the pnurse. My t (PsyD) is also a Pnurse and seems very knowledgable. I am able to ask her questions when my md is unavailable. Good that you will have the added support!! kiya

[sunrise]

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Perna said:
How exciting, sunrise!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Thanks, Perna. I am very excited!

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that awful comment the other T made

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Thanks, MissCharlotte, for saying the comment was awful.

Thank you, Kiya. I found out today the PNP's office is only about a half block from where I work. A good omen!

[sunrise]

I had a dream last night about my first visit to see this practitioner. My dream was nothing like what I imagine will truly happen. Hmmmm, sounds like my unconscious is getting ready for the visit. I love the unconscious.

Among other things in this dream, I fell asleep twice, once in her office on a couch and once in her waiting room on a bed. And she diagnosed me in a roundabout way, simply by observing my behavior, rather than actually asking me any of my symptoms. What she ended up prescribing for me was an interesting choice! Heck, I would try that.

[Kiya]

perhaps the sense already of comfort and trust? takes a lot of trust to fall asleep around ppl. =)

[chaotic13]

I am also very interested in how you appointment goes? And your impressions of this NP?

[sunrise]

I think so, Kiya. My unconscious already likes her.

In the dream there was this man there and I talked to him too, but it seemed like a random occurrence and not related to my session with the PNP. But then at the end of my time there, the PNP talked with the man about his impressions of me and shared with him her plan of what to prescribe for me. So he was some kind of a professional in cahoots with her. (She decided to prescribe wellbutrin, but I remember in the dream she said to this man that she was going to give me " 'butrin ", as if it were practitioner slang or something for this med. The wellbutrin wasn't what I had thought of for ADHD but it does involve the dopamine pathway, so it kind of made sense.) Also when I was at the PNP's office, I ran into a childhood friend there (she seemed to be an office assistant), all grown up, and I recognized her and wanted to give her a hug, but she wouldn't let me. She instead made me show her my hand and examined it closely for a scar she remembered I had from when I was a kid. She wanted me to prove my identity to her before agreeing to a hug or friendly chat.

chaotic, I'll let you know how it goes at our first non-dream meeting.

[Kiya]

Really interesting you'd run into a childhood friend in this dream! I wonder what that's about =)