[Mouse_]

Not sure where to put this. I remember as a 4yr old being in hospital. This was the 60's and a time before it was thought nesscesary to have parents stay with their children.

I remember lying in my cot, and (man was I outraged that i had to sleep in a cot and not a bed) I so wanted the nurses to touch me, to love me but I was to ashamed of these feeling, so I would pretend I was asleep but stick my arm out through the bars and have the nurse pick my arm up and put back and I remember the feeling of joy and shame at this.

On the 2nd day in hospital I was sitting at the dinner table with the other kids and a clown came in. I remember the other kids seem to be able to go with the flow of the whole hospital experience, but I was stuck in a kind off grief.

I did venture to make friends with one child that was in a side room and didn't come out, I guess I identified with the abandonment of this child as I experienced it, alone in a side room and not wanting to join in, like myself also.

Back to the dinner table and the clown, I am sitting long faced just managing to "get through" the experience and the clown bends down and trys to make me laugh. I remember I didnt move nor acknowledge him or his attempts to dismiss my pain and grief.

To this day this is a strong memory for me. I have never like clowns. What I do remember though is someones genuine caring. I was sitting crying as I had just been told on the day I was expecting to go home that I has a fever and might not be able to go home that day. I sat crying and the auxilery nurse was mopping around my cot and asked me what was wrong? I guess its that she "SAW" my suffering and didnt try to change it immdiately like I felt the clown had. I told her what was wrong and she smiled adn said, "don't worry, it will be ok" I remember that womans kindness to me.

To this day I hate people that like the clown only think that making you happy or satisfied in the instant is what is needed. I always feel its more about their inabilty to bear your pain or their own and hate that they think I can be pulled into this glossing over the feelings.

I guess thats why I work so well with my T, I like she asks me and will go into the pain with me and doesn't try to make me laugh like taht clown did. I can't be bought off.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((((((( Mouse ))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

What interesting, neat memories to work with, Mouse. I did that once with my stepmother and stepsister; pretended to be asleep and they came in and I was laying with my legs apart and my stepsister put them "together" and I made them spring apart again. They literally thought I was asleep so kept doing it and would laugh and whisper quietly each time, amazed that I was doing that in my "sleep". I finally let them know I was faking it :-) But it is neat how sometimes we can find little, tiny bits of someting to hold on to in our memories until bigger, better things come along. I guess it's a little like rock climbing seems to me; sometimes the hand or footholds are just little cracks or bumps on the rock face?

I had a nurse like that when I was in the hospital with my infection in 2003. I had been taken for a test I wasn't "good" at (sonogram and I had to empty my bladder and I can't do that and the woman was complaining she couldn't see well, etc.) and when I finished, I was surprised by a totally unknown doctor who claimed me next and did nuclear tests on me that required taking a huge tube of blood; I don't mind getting blood taken but I hadn't known anything about this person or what was being done, etc. so the surprise got me. I finally was wheeled back to my room only to be assaulted by people waiting for me to do a colonoscopy, which I didn't want to be done at all and hadn't known was going to happen at least until the next day; my doctor had mentioned it but hadn't told me it had been scheduled, etc. I refused to go but was crying by the time I was wheeled into my room but "my" nurse came in and was so comforting and explained she'd sent them away and it was too bad of them, etc. and she was just so nice to have there and to have someone to try to explain all the stress to. She made me feel much better. I hadn't liked her when I first met her, she seemed harsh but I was so glad to have her because it turned out she was a good take-charge person/mother hen type and that's just what I needed at that very moment and remember her like your nurse with the hand thing.

I don't think it is wrong to want and need these things; I think it makes us more "human"?

[Mouse_]

((perna))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( mouse ))))))))))))

(I was a kid in another side room ......... )

[Mouse_]

((fuzzy))

[Mouse_]

Was telling T today about my hospital experince, saying its proberbly in my mind becuase shes' off next week. I told her about the clown and how today I still feel gggrr when I think off him. T said, I wonder if its because he was being trying to be familiar with you? I said, yes thats just how it felt/feels, but why? T said perhaps it reminded you of your adoption when youru "new" mother was trying to be familiar with you? I said yes thats a possibilty although we both smiled when I said, I doubt my adoptive mother was ever familiar with though LOL, but I knew what she meant. Perhaps thats it. I like people to show some genuiness in getting to know me and not just act as if we're life long friends from the off. A bit shirty of me I guess, but hey, we're all got baggage we carry with us.

I noticed today as I sat in the room how I am different in the room then how I am outside. How the prospect of the weeks vacation in the room seems unbearable, unyet I know now that I do survive the breaks pretty well and that I do hold onto T.

I mentioned this too T and said, I think its because of how I regress in here and perhaps I need to leave my child here in the room and go home a grown up. T said, what abandon her? why cant you leave here as an adult and with the child? Still thinking on that one, makes me much more aware of "her" the childs feelings looking at it like this. Actually is useful in giving me some space between me the adult and me the child and helps me understand how to listen better to the childs feelings in this way.

SO I left the room today and silent said to her the child, "ok I am feeling yoru pain over the break and I will keep you with me"

A funny thing happened in session, a pigeon flew into the window. T sits with her back to the window and I had particially seen it coming from the corner of my eye, but none the less I still kicked my foot up and said "%#@&#! hell" and T's foot moved and she went a bit red and said "%#@&#!" I've never heard her use a swear word like that only when she is sometimes speaking my langugage back to me. Its the first time I've seen her "disturbed" LOL! she said "well thats a first" I wondered if my unconsious anger at her taking a break didn't morth the pigeon into the kamakazi pilot LOL