Tomorrow is my session with T. I miss him and I can't wait to see him, despite how stupid I acted last session. I'm slowly forgiving myself-- mania isn't exactly controllable.

Tomorrow will also be one day less than a week that I have had any correspondence with T.

Whoa.

When I was driving home from work this evening, it simply occurred to me that I was "quiet" this week because I wanted to experience my mood swings privately. I am tired. I did not even want to involve him. It has nothing to do wtih emotional regulation because my emotions weren't even in my control. It wasn't like I had a huge abandonment episode or anything-- something that can ultimately be regulated. I think I just accepted the fact that I couldn't control myself this week and didn't see the point in putting T in an awkward position of being on the phone with me and not knowing what the hell to do. It is surprising, however, that I did not write to him. When I write to him, I don't normally expect him to email a response. Most of the time, I could care less because the importance and the value is in the process and content of my writing-- not whether he responds or not. He's reading it, I know that-- and we will address it in session. However, this week I did not write. Perhaps I felt as though I would be repeating myself.

I feel like such a fraud. I don't know. I was so depressed yesterday that I couldn't move from the couch. I cried at my pdoc's today. Two and half hours later, I was functioning perfectly at work and had a wonderful, yet intense, day as a therapist.

I can say this-- I do feel a great sense of constancy. I know he is there. I know he is thinking about me this week. I look forward to seeing him tomorrow because right now I feel such tender feelings towards him. I am not angry that he didn't contact me this week. I did not contact him. Perhaps just like I am trusting that he is there for me, he is trusting that I am doing okay.

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pinksoil said:

I can say this-- I do feel a great sense of constancy. I know he is there. I know he is thinking about me this week.

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wow, pink, this is big.

I can't wait to hear how your session goes tomorrow.