[lauren_helene]

This is mostly a vent but maybe someone else here feels as I do?

I wish I could start over with my T. I don't like what comes out of me in this process. Dependency, neediness, desperation...it's all humiliating.

I didn't handle this long time apart very well at all. I'm mortified to even talk to him about it on Wed. I sent two emails and they weren't bad but they scream of my neediness. Just knowing his assistant gets those emails is enough. I can hear the laughter from here.

I keep telling myself if I could just stop it then there would be nothing to be humiliated about.

What else really can be done about all of this? I know intellectually what is right but my brain goes back to what is familiar.

I think why can't I just leave T alone and face reality? I think I am the one who can end my own pain but how? Start reducing sessions to every other week?

He cancels a session and I go into a tailspin...if someone would've told me 2.5 years ago that I would act like this in therapy, I would've laughed...not me I don't need anyone, I practically raised myself.

Does anyone else find this process at times to be humiliating?

[complic8d]

Oh yeah, do I relate. My t brings out all the neediness of the inner child, and I hate her (the child). I get mad at having that part, but the more I scream at it to "stop", "get over it", "grow up", it seems to make the neediness even stronger. I just talked to my t today how I get so triggered that alot of times I go home even more hopeless, but I couldn't NOT see her either. I need her, I know it, and I hate it.

[foreverlost]

I can relate too. I sent my t two emails to which he didn't respond and a third in which I was pissed and needy. Last time, I finally started to divulge a little more and now I am totally embarrassed and humiliated, wish I hadn't, etc. I don't think I can look him in the eye anymore. I have an appt Wed., but am thinking of canceling. I've always taken care of myself too and I keep thinking why can't I do that now? I feel too dependent.

Yes, I can absolutely relate. I know intellectually how I should act but can't seem to get my behavior in line. It is so frustrating. I cancelled all of my sessions last Thursday when I was angry. My T did not cancel the sessions, thank goodness. However, I felt so empowered, it was unbelievable. Today in therapy, my assertiveness showed. You are not alone. I'm here if you need me

Take care

[DePressMe]

I understand how you could interpret your situation to be humiliating, but I see it as a natural part of the therapeutic process. Also, Ts are accustom to this type of process and, I would hope, your T does not judge you for it. Actually, trusting your T with your "neediness" is a positive sign. You are learning how to allow another person to care for you.

You said, "...I don't need anyone, I practically raised myself." I was the same way growing up--the adults in my life did not take care of me--I took care of myself.

I am not sure, if this is happening with you or not, but for me, my "neediness" was based on the lack of care I received as a child. As a child I longed for somebody to care for me. As a result of never being cared for, I never learned how to allow somebody to care for me--I became self sufficient. In therapy, as an adult, I started forming a relationship with my therapist that was based on this--she became the parent I never had. I became needy--just like a kid.

This was a natural and very beneficial relationship--I needed to learn to allow another person to care for me--therapy was a safe place to do it. Your story may be different than mine, so maybe your feelings are coming from somewhere else, but I thought I would share my experience.

Oh, by the way, it feels really good not to be so dang self sufficient--allowing others to care for me is a big relief.

[MINIME]

My personal opinion is if you cancel you wont grow. If you hide from him what is you what is your fears and insecurity you are not giving him a chance to be your therapist. If you only let him see what you think he wants to see or what you wish you were then he cant be helpful to you. Tell him your feelings about wanting to hide from him. Write it down if u have to. You can heal the part of u that is afraid and by being true to yourself you are actively participating in therapy. What would be the point of going to therapy and never allowing him to see this fear this pain that is most cetianly triggered from your past. He needs to see that child in you so he can talk to her. SO he can help her. By helping her feel secure he will be healing that fear.

P.S. If my therapist ever read this post I wrote to you, she would break out the champagne. She has been telling me this forever. I just roll my eyes at her. So dont tell her ok? Plus it shows u giving advice is easier then actually utilizing it.

[Jully]

I certainly feel this way. I hate needing T. I feel like I am addicted, in a way. I need, need, need T, but I don't want to need T. I want to tell T that I am never coming back, but I can't. I need my sessions, and I often feel like I can't make it in between. I want to reduce the frequency, but that doesn't seem possible. And the fear of rejection is so great that I hold back, so I'm not even making good use of my time.

It is absolutely humiliating for me to feel this dependent on someone else. It is also terrifying, since every time in the past I have depended on someone, they haven't come through. I feel ashamed, confused, lost, and I am too embarassed to let T in on any of this.

[ECHOES]

You're right, it's unfamiliar and takes a lot of time to get used to. So is trust. So you imagine the assistant laughing instead of feeling caring concern.

Dependency, being needy.... are some of the normal things some of us don't get to experience in childhood so they can feel very 'not right' when they come our way later.

I don't find it humiliating, but yes embarassing sometimes. But I'm determined to just let it happen and go with it, not fight it or try to short-circuit it, or push it away.

You are facing reality by staying with T and getting through the process, learning to let the unfamiliar become familiar.

I hope you talking to T or will talk to T about all the things you wrote here.

[lauren_helene]

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MINIME said:
What would be the point of going to therapy and never allowing him to see this fear this pain that is most cetianly triggered from your past. He needs to see that child in you so he can talk to her. SO he can help her. By helping her feel secure he will be healing that fear.

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Minime, what a powerful paragraph...if only my T would say that to me, I'd break down and let him talk to her. You just made me cry but in a good way

[lauren_helene]

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DePressMe said:
Actually, trusting your T with your "neediness" is a positive sign. You are learning how to allow another person to care for you.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree with this statement it's just that I can tell he doesn't feel comfy with all the neediness. He has said before he wants to foster a healthy attachment not unhealthy...maybe I am misinterpreting him?

Our stories are very similar. I would like him caring for me if I felt it more. Maybe that is it. I haven't felt it for awhile...

[lauren_helene]

Solairee you and that hippo!!! I giggle over that one still. Very brave of you to cancel all of your sessions.

If I did that, I'd be in the hospital the next day...I'm half kidding.

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lauren_helene said:
it's just that I can tell he doesn't feel comfy with all the neediness. /quote]

I wonder about this. I have been so sure I knew how my T felt about SO many things, and been completely, 100% wrong.

When I was recently on vacation, I called him and asked him for a message to tide me over until I came home. He left the message and I was positive he was irritated with me, if not downright angry. Ugh. When I came home and said something about it in session, he was totally confused...because he wasn't angry with me at all. And I listened to the message with this new information, and he doesn't even sound angry OR irritated in it. It was all me, projecting my fears onto him, but it seemed SO REAL.

I wonder if maybe your T is totally comfortable with your neediness, but YOU are not, so you're projecting that onto him??

I am desperately needy for T. I literally had NO CLUE how big this pit of need inside of me was until I started T. I've always been totally independent, and this is new, and scary, and uncomfortable, and embarrassing. It's so hard for me to let myself have this need, and I spend a lot of time fighting with myself about it. But the more I can just accept it, and be vulnerable, the better therapy gets.

(((((((((((((((((((( lauren_helene)))))))))))))))))))

[sunrise]

lauren, what would happen if you told your T what is in your first post? That you feel needy and humiliated because of that. That you think he thinks you shouldn't "behave" in a certain way (sending him needy emails) but yet you do because you can't help it, and then you feel ashamed about it. What would he say? Have you had this discussion before?

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if someone would've told me 2.5 years ago that I would act like this in therapy, I would've laughed...not me I don't need anyone, I practically raised myself

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That sounds like me. I was very self sufficient. Sometimes I say in therapy, "what has happened to me?" And T says, "therapy will do that to you." It puts you in touch with your feelings, some that you have locked away for decades. Now I no longer feel able to present the self sufficient, stolid, impervious face to the world that I used to. It's really hard. I have to cope with actually feeling things and I am not equipped to do this. It all makes me wonder, "who am I, anyway?"

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I agree with this statement it's just that I can tell he doesn't feel comfy with all the neediness. He has said before he wants to foster a healthy attachment not unhealthy

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Lauren, have you ever asked him what is a healthy attachment and what is unhealthy? I am not sure what that means. Are you sure what you have is unhealthy? Are you sure being needy means unhealthy? If your T considers your attachment to him to be unhealthy, what needs to change so that it becomes healthy? I hope you can really talk to him about this and not just assume that your neediness is what he means by unhealthy.