[AllyH88]

Okay, so I'm posting just to get some information.

I know all about transference, and I'll be the first to say that that's probably what I'm feeling for my psych, not genuine love. However, I also believe in love at first sight, and he's just the sort of guy I would date in the "real" world, and he's pretty much the same age as I am.

Here's the situation...he's a resident and he'll be "rotating" out of the outpatient unit where I'm being treated so he won't be my doctor any longer. Also, he more or less assessed me, we never really started any therapy, we only met for a couple of follow-up sessions. For the record, he hasn't said or done anything to suggest counter-transference (trust me, I've been looking for it!)

On to my question... let's say I meet him, randomly, at some point in the future and I STILL have feelings for him and it's mutual. What are the legal ramifications? Could we date? Or is that a big no-no even after any professional relationship has ended? What about ethically? Is that considered a violation of an MD's code of ethics? Would he lose his credibility in front of his colleagues?

Since he's no longer my psych, I'm sure my feelings will eventually disappear, but until then, I can't help but wonder!

Thanks.

[kim_johnson]

It depends. I think the legal situation is that he needs to not see you for 2 years after he ceases seeing you in a professional capacity.

That being said, some clinicians are of the opinion that ethically it is always inappropriate for a clinician to date a person who they previously saw in a professional capacity.

Do you really believe in love at first sight? What do you mean by that? Lust that turns into love as you get to know each other? I don't see how one can fall in love with a person on the basis of a short encounter... You don't know about his sense of humour, his life plans, his religion, his background. He could be a compulsive gambeller or a workaholic or be a complete control freak... It might be that nothing serves to be a 'deal breaker' once you get to know him but I don't really understand how one could fall in love with a person when one doesn't have a liking for those kind of background things that you simply... Don't know anything whatsoever about...

[Perna]

I don't think you need to worry about it; if you see one another in a future life, he'll know whatever rules there are; they're only important to his career, not to you, you can't be "unethical" wanting him :-) I kind of doubt, if he's a resident, that he's looking for a relationship though for a few years anyway and/or probably has one? I'd just forget him, chalk it up to attraction to a nice guy :-)

[AllyH88]

Thank you both for answering. Although both your answers were quite different (in content and in tone) they were both JUST what I needed to read.

To Kim:

Thank you for your candor and 'tell-it-like-it-is' attitude. You're right. I don't know for sure if what I'm feeling is real love (I mentioned that in my post) or just 'normal' transference for one of the first men to ever pay any attention to me.

The reason I refer to what I felt as 'love at first sight' is because it is so similar to what I've felt when I've 'fallen' for other men I've encountered in regular social situations. Generally speaking though, aren't most people motivated to get to know someone/date purely on the basis of an initial physical attraction?

I've been trying to remind myself of what you wrote... I don't really have any background on him. I'm probably much more in love with the idea of him than really him, and you can get really carried away in your own fantasies. In any case, HE has plenty of background on ME, and knowing how screwed up I am, I'm sure that alone would scare him off!

To Perna:

Thanks for answering like a 'big sister'. You're also right... what's legal/ethical is mostly a concern to him, and I'm sure he's already been briefed on what constitutes appropriate/inappropriate behavior. Thanks for reminding me that it isn't 'unethical' to desire this man. I've never really been able to control my feelings (that's why I'm in therapy!).

But as both of you have suggested... I'm better off trying to forget about him and continue focusing on healing myself.

[kim_johnson]

It really isn't unethical for you to desire him. And I agree with Perna that the burden really is on him with respect to the appropriateness of anything. It is his conduct that is bound, not yours.

I don't think that there is anything wrong or weird with your being attracted to him. I guess I was just wondering whether the term 'love' is appropriate. That being said, love means different things to different people. I surely understand how you can feel very strongly attracted to what you know of them. I've felt that way about many a p-doc :-) That being said, I think that part of what is attractive about them is the capacity they see us in. For a time they pay complete attention to us. To our thoughts and feelings and desires. They try and help us. Who in their right mind wouldn't be attracted to that?

It is unlikely that that would carry over into their personal relationships, though. Still... Some people don't seem to have the capacity to listen at all and seeing as they have the capacity, there is something attractive in that, yeah. It would be hard to know how you would feel about him had you met him for the first time in a different setting, though. Impossible to know... The reason why some clinicians think it is always unethical to date past clients is that they don't believe that that initial patient / clinician dynamic can be undone. I don't know...

Enjoy feeling nice when you think of him, I say. But if you feel heartache then maybe remind yourself that he could well be a control freak or a wife beater or who the hell knows what...

But there are decent guys out there who are capable of listening and liking you not just for sex. Oh yes they are, hang on to that indeed :-)

[AllyH88]

I started doing some research on psych/patient relationships. As Kim mentioned, a minimum of two years have to have elapsed for a doctor to start seeing a former patient. In the case of a psychiatrist and a patient-- it's NEVER!! Even years after the therapeutic relationship has ended. This is the position of the APA and in some states it's even illegal. I understand the reasoning behind it. And if I didn't feel so enamored with my former psychiatrist, I would whole-heartedly agree!

Originally, I felt a lot better after reading these posts, but I really CAN'T get him out of my head! I've started thinking that I never should have gone for therapy, so he wouldn't be off limits. I'm even starting to fall back into old patterns... hating myself, feeling like I'm completely worthless, feeling that I'll never be happy. And all this over a man I barely know?! He hasn't said or done anything for me to feel this way. Why am I so attached to him? Why am I so crazy? Why can't I have better control over myself?

If anyone has dealt with transference before please post, because I need some words of encouragement and I don't know how to say them to myself.

[kim_johnson]

Maybe it is a way of coping with the lonliness? If you have memories of him being kind and compassionate and attentive then anyone would find those qualities attractive... But when we don't have much of that in our life, it can become almost a need...

Kind of a way of coping with the lonliness... But a way of feeling it too...

How to deal with transference... Since you aren't working with him anymore (hence can't work through it with him) could you see someone else?

Can take a while... But eventually... The transference feelings should shift to a new therapist (especially if you see a male but probably at any rate) and then you would have the opportunity to work through things with that person. I've tried seeing one therapist to try and process transference for another but that never did seem to work out well... Once I started feeling those feelings for them they were fine about it though. Maybe htey were jealous lol.

[AllyH88]

I will be working with someone else soon, but I don't know who yet. I certainly hope that I don't feel transference for the new P-doc (if it happens to be a man) because I really can't take this. If it does happen again, I'll definitely have to bring it up, because then I'll know it's me and not them. I avoided saying anything with him while I was seeing him because I knew it would be temporary-- so to my mind, no reason to discuss it. I hope that he'll eventually fade from memory. I've gotten over other guys before, so I know I can... I just don't feel it yet {{SIGH}}.

As always, thanks Kim.

[Mouse_]

IF the feelings are still that strong perhaps you both needed to continue to work through it together? so the need you have for him changes?

[90mphINneutral]

don't even get me started on the whole what's ethical and what's not.