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#1
Jun 21, 2008, 08:40 AM
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I'm still having fall out from "The session" yesterday...theres a whole lot of griefing within me that is coming to the forefront...theres a whole lot of memorys on an emotional level that are coming to the forefront.....I cried again last night with the pain of it all and felt like the only way to be free of all of this was for T to hold me 24/7/....and I knew that isn't going to happen and then I started to write about friends and family and how really T is exactly where I need her to be...yes I may have fantasys of her being more then a T but I knew in my heart that wouldnt serve me...with that would come all the yukkie ness of normal day to day things we as friends and mothers and whatever role we have in our normal lifes experience with each other...no T does what she is there too do, be an objective presensence on this journey....yes I Had to grief that also....but as the evening wore on I felt safer again knowing that I can count on that one presence to be objective in my life and to know that whatever goes on between us is coming from a place of genuine honesty...something no matter how much we may believe we can achieve with friends, we never can be sure really...I've been in fantasy trying to get T to fit a more intimate role in my life...but I asked myself, do I really want to have to feel toward her like I do with other relationships? do I ever want to wish she'd just go away and leave me alone for a while? NO I want to keep on knowing she is that "special" person that I can take refuge with like a ship in the night...and that allows me to be less demanding on other people in my life...I guess we/I'm lucky that I can say or feel I have that 1 person who I can go too and say it all too...a rock I guess? somewhere to throw anchor....
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#2
Jun 21, 2008, 12:27 PM
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Mouse,
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> yukkie ness of normal day to day things we as friends and mothers and whatever role we have in our normal lifes experience with each other. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Awesome work on the attachment. I guess T really does fill a unique role. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> somewhere to throw anchor.... </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes, I feel this way too. It's why I have to go twice a week myself. No matter if I have to rob a bank to get there. </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font> I cried again last night with the pain of it all and felt like the only way to be free of all of this was for T to hold me 24/7 </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yeah, I often go to sleep imagining I was safely held in T's arms, yet knowing the attachment would change. Sigh. 
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#3
Jun 21, 2008, 04:34 PM
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It sounds like a bit of pain around separateness and separation, yet good reassuring feelings about her truly being there. It makes me think of the toddler who is happy playing, then thinks of mom and goes searching for her, finds her, is reassured again. I think at some point there is the realization of the separateness that is absolutely terrifying.
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#4
Jun 21, 2008, 08:22 PM
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My T once pointed out when I was enamored of living in/as if in books that they don't go to the bathroom in books/stories or do any of that other, boring, day-to-day stuff :-) I think it is wonderful you're working all this through; wish it weren't so painful/difficult. Still, living with your T would have probably been better than your adopted mom, even the "mistakes" every mother makes beat the flat out disconnect of your adopted mum and my stepmum I figure.
Yesterday I was driving in the mountains where my grandmother was born and raised (her mother died when she was 1 and her father married her cousin when she was 6; the cousin was only 18-19 at the time! They didn't get along either) and today I realized she left there in 1905 or so and so spent a lot of her life without any plumbing, electricity, etc. I get so use to looking at things as they are now and forget or don't think how things use to be so very different and how I use to be different, etc.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#5
Jun 21, 2008, 09:06 PM
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Mouse I like how you present your T and seem to be working on accepting and appreciating this relationship for what it is.
__________________
"Joy is your sole's knowledge that if you don't get the promotion, keep the relationship, or buy the house, it's because you weren't meant to.You're meant to have something better, something richer, something deeper, Something More." (Sara Ban Breathnach) |
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