[chaotic13]

I’ve been feeling better mentally lately and seem to have myself and kids back on track. I have been trying now to talk about and address some of my anxiety issues recently. One major source of anxiety for me is related to physical touch. This is hard to understand since my career involves a lot physical touch. The bottom line here is I don’t mind touching others (in a therapeutic way). I just get very anxious being touched by others. I get triggered very easily, get hyper-sensitive, and then very anxious. These symptoms had gotten a lot worse as stuff started to surface in therapy but seem to have return to a pre-therapy level in the past few months. Luckily my anxiety does not seem to be paralyzing but it creates a lot of muscle tone and internal turmoil that is very difficult to deal with none the less.

Now the unbelievable has happened. My department has decided that it wants to offer a few therapeutic massage workshops for our majors as part of a larger program offering. My chairperson wants someone in-house to teach these workshops. Since I have a background and teach other related manual techniques, I’ve been asked to pursue the training and sit for the NCBTMB exam ASAP. I am not worried about my manual skills and ability to give a massage. I’m worried about my ability to chill out and be comfortable with others practicing on me. This type of learning environment was very stressful for me to deal with in undergraduate school. The MT courses are going to involve a lot more contact and I am not sure I am going to be able to handle it. I’ve had one professional full body massage and although the physical sensations were not painful, the emotions and mental noise it created quickly overwhelmed me. I was incredibly uncomfortable during the session.

I cannot believe I am being asked to do this, especially having recently faced flashbacks and body memories, just from recalling in a trying to talk about stuff. Professionally this is a no brainer decision-- an opportunity to expand my clinical skills at my department’s expense. Personally/emotionally I’m not sure I can bring myself to actually do it.

[Kiya]

gosh... thinking of you !! dunno what to say!

[sunrise]

chaotic, I think this kind of decision and your uncertainty/apprehension is a perfect topic for therapy. You can explore your feelings and all the ramifications of your decision. Is there a deadline by which you have to make your decision? I hope you can see your T before that.

I've never had a massage but am not sure I would like it. I don't think I'd like a stranger pawing over my body.

[chaotic13]

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I've never had a massage but am not sure I would like it. I don't think I'd like a stranger pawing over my body.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Exactly! I don't know this opportunity/challenge being dump on my lap at this very moment is just too much. I think I have several ego states battling in my head right now. The professional state is saying go for it. It will enhance your clinical skills and enrich your teaching, increase your department service, placate your chair who has been on your butt to publish and present more, you need to take this opportunity. Then there is the emotional state that is saying NOT, you are going to be in a state of rigor the whole time, you are going to be up at night chasing your shadow again, it is going to be too intense, to intimate, you are simply not going to do it. Then of course there are the body image thoughts as well... In undergraduate school you had trouble enduring this situation and were less exposed and a nicely proportioned 110 pound 20 year old. Now you are in your 40's and not so nicely proportioned.

I know it is just a bunch of mental noise but it is VERY LOUD right now.

I am scheduled to see my T once before the 1st course starts, but I need to commit and register before then. I wonder if going to class medicated would work. My luck I would then publicly flip out.

Chaotic,
I was going to ask if medication would help. Is there any way you can ask how much you are going to have to be massaged (sorry I couldn't think of any other way to phrase that)? Could you tell your supervisor that you want to do this but that at this time you need to forego that experience? You can say you have a back injury or whatever if you want.

I had a massage and it made me sore for a week. I have vowed never to have one again. I'm interested in what they call craniosacral massage. Does that really help bring up memories? My massage didn't bring up any memories or thoughts, just massive muscular pain.

I hope all goes well!

[chaotic13]

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You can say you have a back injury...

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I'm interested in what they call craniosacral massage.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Although I am not a CMT, I believe this is one of the techniques developed by Sutherland a DO in the 50's. He was one of the first people to view the body as machine with all the parts interconnected. Tension or loss of tissue mobility in one area can have major affects in other areas of the body. His ideas were not accepted back then but now are widely supported. He is listed as one of the originators of a lot of manual techniques. I believe craniosacral massage is just a sequence of light strokes done rhythmically from head to sacral (low back/buttocks) area. Supposed to do something to the cerebral spinal fluid??? Guess I better look this one up, if I choose to take the exam. I don't think saying its a massage technique that does something is going to cut it

Thanks Soliaree

[sunrise]

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My chairperson wants someone in-house to teach these workshops. Since I have a background and teach other related manual techniques, I’ve been asked to pursue the training and sit for the NCBTMB exam ASAP. I am not worried about my manual skills and ability to give a massage. I’m worried about my ability to chill out and be comfortable with others practicing on me. This type of learning environment was very stressful for me to deal with in undergraduate school. The MT courses are going to involve a lot more contact and I am not sure I am going to be able to handle it. I’ve had one professional full body massage and although the physical sensations were not painful, the emotions and mental noise it created quickly overwhelmed me. I was incredibly uncomfortable during the session.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">chaotic, I don't understand what part of what you wrote above requires that others give you a massage. Is it the workshops you have been asked to give for your majors? Is it for the NCBTMB (what is that?) exam that you must be touched? For the workshops, why not just bring in a "model" to be the one being touched? Just like in a figure painting class, the instructor doesn't pose nude, he/she invites models to the class for that. Could you enlist a couple of student models (hungry students will work for low pay!) to help you with this? Of course, this might possibly work at the workshop, but if you have to receive massages as part of that exam, then you probably couldn't use models. However, if that is the case, seeing how uncomfortable this makes you, you might not want to get this credential.

I really don't think anyone should be asked to do something that makes them physically uncomfortable as part of their job, unless it is written into the job description when you start work. I think if you are required to receive a massage for either the workshop or the exam, and they won't allow you to use models, you should say no. You definitely shouldn't be doing something that might make you "publically flip out." JMO.

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I am scheduled to see my T once before the 1st course starts, but I need to commit and register before then.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think this merits a call to your T. You could tell her an important issue has come up and you would like an extra session (or at least a phone session). That's what T's are for (among other things!)--to help us with these life issues.

Good luck. Don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable.

[chaotic13]

Sunrise,

I am not worried about giving a patient a massage. In fact as part of my current teaching load I present and demonstrate basic massage strokes as one part (technique) of a broader therapeutic interventions course. To become a CMT, I already have the most of the content knowledge. I need to take some hands-on courses specifically in massage/bodywork and to learn the philosophical basis for various techniques. I need some formal educational massage therapy courses to support my other coursework/experience and qualify to challenge the exam. This is still a developing field that has not yet fully defined itself. My state medical board does not currently regulate massage therapist but this regulation is coming, it just a matter of time.

I'm trying to figure out how exactly the massage therapy program run their courses. The school I am looking at appears to have peer laboratory sessions where new skills are taught and practiced on each other and then a practical exam/ assessment is done in a massage clinic that brings in clients to serve as models. I am not going to be able to avoid being touched. In fact, I am likely going to be touch at lot and that is considered part of the learning process.

I know I am likely making a big deal out of nothing, what's a several of days of being stress and uncomfortable--right. I guess I am just letting my brain run wild at the moment.

The thing is if I decide to do this, I'm going to do it 100%. That to me means learning not just the theory and techniques but also the experiencing its effects. It is the later that I'm not sure my mental state will handle.

I know that if I choose not to do this I will be allowing irrational fear to hinder my professional growth maybe even my personal growth too. I just don't want to risk getting overwhelmed, quiting and then looking even worse. Bottom line is I'm going to suffer mental misery either way.

Solairee... that back pain seems to be getting a little worse by the minute.
I don't think I should have posted my stupid mental rambling. Sunrise I thought about calling my T but I don't want her to deal with me in this state. I'll just get there and say, "never mind I'm just being stupid and letting my mind run wild again."

[sunrise]

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chaotic13 said:
I am not worried about giving a patient a massage.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I know, it's being touched that worries you, and I think it is completely understandable. I was suggesting you bring the models along to your workshop so that the students could practice on them instead of on you. That way they can give massage to neutrals; instead of using you as their model, they can use the models you brought along. Make sense? You would still be giving massages, and you could use the models or the other students. Would it be permissible?

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The school I am looking at appears to have peer laboratory sessions where new skills are taught and practiced on each other

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">This would be the place for you to use your models, so that you are not used for practice. It seems like they might be accommodating if you explained ahead of time that you are touch-averse. It's almost like it is a handicap of sorts, and they would certainly make accommodations for people with other sorts of handicaps, I would think.

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I know I am likely making a big deal out of nothing,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You're not making a big deal about nothing. Why do you say that? This is a big deal--a touch-averse person being asked to let strangers touch her body.

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Sunrise I thought about calling my T but I don't want her to deal with me in this state.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I wish you could reach out to your T for this. I bet she would be very understanding and help you deal with this issue.

I'm so sorry you have this dilemma. You know your own limits best. If you think you can do this, go for it. If you think it is too traumatizing (or re-traumatizing) right now, hold back. Good luck!

[chaotic13]

Thanks I get what you were suggesting now.

tell them you have a phobia, or a religious thing ... or blame it on your guy... request one gender maybe? Or tell them you are prone to injury and can't risk it... that is a real deal, i have to be very careful not to be injured during something like that. To be honest massage creeped me out altogether... i don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be touched by strangers.

you don't need to have some big defence worked out... you know? It's your body.

((((chaotic))))

[(JD)]

Go for it. This is the perfect way to intellectualize and safely internalize safe touch, imo. You will have control and will learn the rest of full control of this type of touch. I think it is an answer for just what you have wanted and needed in your life for this issue.

[chaotic13]

Jello,
It creeps me out too on many levels. I don't know I slept on this issue and tried to clear my mind of the all the drama during my walk today and was able to settle down a little bit. In the stillness of my morning walk, Although the fear is still really powerful, I found a deeper part of me that sees this as a personal healing opportunity. Sky... I am speechless. After accessing this internal place during my walk. I shower and logon and see your response. Again coincidence, maybe, maybe not.

I don't know what I am going to do yet. Yesterday I scoured the massage literature to see what exactly I'm getting into. I've also scheduled an appointment with the director of admissions to visit the school to find out how the classes are conducted, what is expected, what I am in for.

Here is another coincidences. I was cleaning the dark and very dirty areas of my house yesterday. A coping mechanism I do when I can't focus on other stuff. What do I find, 2 two year old business are of the massage therapist who I when to once before. Although I was really triggered by the experience, she was very nice, competent, was obviously aware of the tension in my body but seemed to leave space for it. I was thinking that maybe I could test the waters by scheduling a less intense session with her again. Maybe start with fully clothed chair massage. I don't know.. just writing that gave me the chills. I think I need to walk on it again.

I really want to call my T, but I also want to handle this on my own.

Thank you everyone for helping me deal with the mental explosion in my head. You all are really great. Thank you Sky, you've given me what I needed to continue to try and settle myself and figure out what at this moment.

[sunrise]

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chaotic13 said:
I've also scheduled an appointment with the director of admissions to visit the school to find out how the classes are conducted, what is expected, what I am in for.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think this is a great idea. Then you know what you are in for and can be mentally prepared. No surprises is a good thing. I also think having a "pre-course massage" with a massage therapist is a great idea. Then you can test privately if you can handle this, without risking a public meltdown in the course. The solo massage will either give you confidence that yes, you can do this, or no, you are not ready. Great coping ideas, chaotic.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Chaotic,

I think you should call T and discuss this with her. It's a major career move. I also think that if you need to use the back injury excuse it's okay. Why don't you write up a curriculum and offer to supervise a junior colleague? Tell them you will pick up in the fall--buying yourself time to work with T on the issues and whether you can work through them.

I think your reactions are most interesting because I also have no problems touching others but don't like being touched! I have not yet worked through this one so can't really offer you advice here.

Call T and May the force be with you.

[chaotic13]

Ms C,

Actually the stress of this decision has created some neck and back pain... so I would not longer be lying. I'm not a good making up stories. The good thing is ... I'm tenured... I am not obligated to do this if I don't want to. It will just adversely affect my ability to get promoted.

I've mentioned my issues with being touched in therapy but like some other issues I then to gloss over it quickly. I recognized this pattern a few weeks ago and did a good job last week in not doing this.

Part of me wants to call/contact my T, but I just can't seem to do it. Sunrise presented this situation very clearly in her thread. I want to talk about this with my T, but having my request ignored would just make things worse for me. My T gets booked so there are likely no appointments available. So why waste time asking and then crying about what I can't have. If I call I will have to leave a message with the answering service and risk having it ignored. If I email, her she will likely do what she did before. See that she doesn't have any available appointments and not respond to my message. Like sunrise describes asking for help and not getting a reply will really upset me.

Tonight I am wishing I had Mouse's bravery to knowledge her internal feelings/wants/needs and then actually tell her T what they are and trust her T to handle if, not judge it, and most importantly respond to her.

I need to go to bed because I'm taking myself down and whining too much. As Jello said, it my body I don't HAVE to let people touch me if I don't want to. I also don't have to allow fear of being touched, ignore, abandon, attached, or whatever to keep me up at night.

Thank you all for listening (reading) and sharing your comments.

[sunrise]

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chaotic13 said:
Like sunrise describes asking for help and not getting a reply will really upset me.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Yes, but I actually made the request and got ignored. You haven't given your T a chance to respond because you haven't asked! You got ignored by her once before, so I can understand your hesitation to contact her. But that was quite a while ago and you have built a strong relationship since then. Could you send an email and say "please respond one way or another to let me know if you have openings or if we can talk on the phone"? Then she is very clear that you need to know, even if she has no time for you. That's what I'm going to do if I ever have to email my T again (but it probably won't happen, as hell must first freeze over). Maybe giving your T the option of a phone call rather than a ftf meeting would make it easier to accommodate you (and you could pay for her time).

Sleep well, chaotic. (Listen to your dreams--your unconscious will let you know if you should do the massage course or not.)

[chaotic13]

((Sunrise))
I know your right, might actually cry. TY

[chaotic13]

Today I'm see all this differently. What I thought was just an intense fear of being touched it that but tangled up in a lot more. I am repeating a childhood pattern. I'm a child who suffers intense nightmares but instead of calling or seeing comfort from others, crawls under the bed and covers her head and waits for daylight. In the morning she realizes that she has survived and her fear was just imagined and she has not yielded to the irrational; But she is also left feeling overtired, resentful, and alone. This situation is about fears, attachment, and transference all tangled up and distorting reality and creating unhappiness. I know I am supposed to accept what I am feeling and not think there is something wrong with me. But it is challenging.

[MissCharlotte]

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I'm a child who suffers intense nightmares but instead of calling or seeing comfort from others, crawls under the bed and covers her head

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What would have happened if she called out for help? Who would have comforted her?

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In the morning she realizes that she has survived and her fear was just imagined

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Well, shining a light on things always makes the boogeyman go back in the closet. But I would ask whether that means the boogeyman was never there? Or was he there, but only in the dark? If he goes away at dawn, does that have to mean that the experience is invalidated? Or can we accept the experience as a moment when we needed comfort but it wasn't there.

[chaotic13]

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MissCharlotte said:
What would have happened if she called out for help? Who would have comforted her?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I don't know? I can only remember being afraid, hiding, and not seeking comfort in the room across the hall. I simply don't know why. Maybe I was too prideful even then to ask others to comfort me. I guess the why doesn't really matter much. It's the awareness and acceptance that I still tend to do this that matters more. Along with the the knowledge that I can change this behavior.
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Well, shining a light on things always makes the boogeyman go back in the closet. But I would ask whether that means the boogeyman was never there? Or was he there, but only in the dark? If he goes away at dawn, does that have to mean that the experience is invalidated? Or can we accept the experience as a moment when we needed comfort but it wasn't there.

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Miss C while lounging on the deck this afternoon I just read the following passage from the Eckhart Tolle book I am currently reading:

"The many things that happen, the many forms the life takes on, are of an ephemeral nature. They are all fleeting. Things, bodies, and egos, events situations, thoughts, emotions, desires, ambitions, fear, drama...they come, pretend to be all-important, and before you know it they are gone, dissolved into the no-thingness out of which they came. Were they ever real? Were they ever more than a dream, the dream of form?"

"When we wake up in the morning, the night's dream dissolves, and we say, "Oh, it was only a dream. It wasn't real." But something in the dream must have been real otherwise it could not be. When death approaches, we may look back on our life and wonder if it was just another dream. Even now you may look back on last year's vacation or yesterday's drama and see that it is very similar to last night's dream."