Me vs. Me.... and the winner is....

........ME! Hahaha

Me vs. Me is:

the dissociation, as a result of overwhelming feelings taking over in session

vs.

my ability to fight against myself and say, "No, I don't want this. You are going to say HERE."

This happened in session today. I was talking with T about something that happened between me and H last night, and suddenly I found that everything in the room looked strange and unreal. I could feel myself getting ready to "check out." I knew that I would yearn for physical pain to bring me back.

I told T, "I don't want to go away. I need to be here." He told me to stand up to change the way things looked, to get a sense of reality. T and I both stood up. Then I sat down in a different chair. I was ringing my hands and having an internal fight of reality vs. dissociation. I chose reality. I remembered that T said to connect to something that is real. I immediately thought to remember the phone conversation that I had with my Dad yesterday-- I knew that it was real, it existed, and it would make me smile-- so I could tell T about that. I was able to picture myself talking to my Dad on phone-- where I was, what I was wearing, what I was holding, what I said-- and I started to tell T.

Reality set in. I began to smile and laugh as I told T some of the stuff that my Dad and I talked about. T was so happy that I was able to make this connected, and reminded me that only three weeks ago, I was not able to do this. He said, "You can do this now because you are stronger." He is right. I am not fragile. For a long time, I thought I was. But I'm not.

I have learned, in the the three weeks, that therapy will not work unless you make a choice. If you do not make that choice, you can still reach a high level of insight and awareness. However, for a change to take place I had to make a conscious decision that I was ready for it-- that I was no longer afraid to get better. I had to begin to use my mind for the strength of which it is capable.

I also have a lot of crappy %#@&#! going on at home and I decided that, no longer, am I going to allow external factors determine so much of my mood.

I am not a day-counter, but I can say that it has been over two weeks that I have self-injured. I am going to respect my body and be proud that I can experience and tolerate my intense emotions. I have worked to allow myself to feel them, so why should I take it out on my body when I do?

(((((((((((((((Pink!!)))))))))))))))
Awesome, and congrats! You've worked hard for this - all of it!!!
Your session reminds me of mine with my MD because after I told her all that stuff i was also dissociating and starting to switch. Suddenly i grabbed the chair arms and said "the room is spinning!" She said it's ok, breathe, and i told her it meant I was switching. She said "No. stay here. I want you to stay here, I don't want you to switch" several times to me as i fought it off.
Like you, I managed to stay in the present (and in myself). Afterwards I was still a bit dissociated but functioning and cried all the way home vs. completely going away from it and switching out. Staying with the emotions, even tho painful.
Kudos Pink - it is amazing that there has been such change in only 3 weeks... i like what you said about the choice you made. I am going to be holding on to that, too - to get through the next few weeks. Remembering I made a choice to be healthier.

((((((((((((((((((( pink ))))))))))))))))))

What an inspiring post!! I'm glad you shared that...a lot to learn from there.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
........ME! Hahaha
I have learned, in the the three weeks, that therapy will not work unless you make a choice. If you do not make that choice, you can still reach a high level of insight and awareness. However, for a change to take place I had to make a conscious decision that I was ready for it-- that I was no longer afraid to get better. I had to begin to use my mind for the strength of which it is capable.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Excellent job Pinksoil!!!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I also have a lot of crappy %#@&#! going on at home and I decided that, no longer, am I going to allow external factors determine so much of my mood.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I wish I could convince some loved ones of this...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am not a day-counter, but I can say that it has been over two weeks that I have self-injured. I am going to respect my body and be proud that I can experience and tolerate my intense emotions. I have worked to allow myself to feel them, so why should I take it out on my body when I do?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> This is really an accomplishment.

Yay!!! I was rooting for "me"!! lol

You are stronger, and .. maybe the cutting was interfering in therapy.. like some kind of a resitance?

Wooooo hoooooo

Your inner strength is contagious.

Nice job on pulling yourself together in session. I have learned to catch myself when I am about to check out and T and I also work together to keep me present.

((((Pinksoil))))

Sounds like the 'Me's' have it! Congratulations on such an accomplishment! I never doubted you, though, I can see the strength in you! You will make it through Love ya'