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Old Jul 18, 2008, 12:41 AM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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Well! T yesterday was like preparing for a battle! So much is on the horizon right now; this whole housing thing, starting body work, yoga, and t is going out of the country in 2 weeks. She was blazing with gusto and fire and plans.... i was totally stunned.

MD is also blazing about housing and now tomorrow I am meeting with another person at the clinic to look into section 8 housing (which may draw on my physical health constraints or one or two of my mental health dx'es). I am a bit nervous (ok, understatement) as well as excited and glad that they have not given up hope even as I had. Tomorrow's meeting is to establish my needs and see what can be done.

I was a bit alarmed when on wed morning i had confessed to my depression/yoga group that i had been suicidal the day prior and not a thing was said to me later about it. This leader has pulled me aside after every class to check in afterward - but this one. I also called in my weekly (manditory) report to MD and again mentioned the suicidal thing - not a word, not a call back....

But T (wed night) was putting a plan into place about who i would talk to if need be and how, do i feel comfortable, what other dr's would i be seeing the week she is gone (because there won't be any chance of contact with her where she's going).... And she was all the more serious after telling her about tuesday's near attempt (thank god someone is! - starts to confirm what i sometimes believe about myself when 2/3 don't even do anything).

The entire session was spent with t leading the discussion on housing, my making an appointment with the housing coordnator, and planning out how to care for myself in her absense. It was intense, and fast, and I didn't cover any of the things i actually wanted to. But still, i think beneficial.

I also found a stuffy arrdvard (i think - hard to tell... could be an anteater... or an armadillo like t thinks) hidden next to the couch under the end table. I was instantly rather fond of it =) and started silently wondering if i might be allowed this as a transitory object while t is gone.... (thinking of a certain hippo again and becoming wary).
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  #2  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 01:41 AM
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Kiya,
It sounds like both your MD and T really care about you and are focusing on getting you out of your current living arrangements! I'm surprised that they did not call back about your suicidal ideation, I'm sorry to hear that

Hmmmm. Interesting, and aardvark, eh? You'll have to ask your T if you can take care of it while she is away

Take care, Kiya! I hope you start feeling better.
  #3  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 12:35 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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Hi Kiya,

It sounds as though you are doing an awesome job of communicating. It is my hope that when we say things and nobody responds that means they heard us, and they are grateful that we were able to let them now how we are feeling. The share is often the hardest part, no?

Wow, lots of good things on the horizon. Lots of scary transitions too. I love that your T is guiding you through these practicalities. She sounds awesome. Get that stuffy and hold it for ransom. The payoff can be T, when she returns from vacation.

Peace

hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya
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  #4  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 03:08 PM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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((((((((((((((((Soli, Miss)))))))))))))

Oh my gosh, my head is reeling. I just got back from that appointment today with the housing coordinator - who is totally awesome. She's lived this - she knows where to be and where not to be, knows the programs like the back of her hand and has frineds in the other joining programs.
She's going to be my advocate and go with me to fill out the paperwork!! These housing programs have all these extras like ppl who check in on you once a week, see how you're doing - case management. And teach stuff like money management and house care and cooking and... all the stuff i am lacking!!! But i can still live alone, and keep my car, and have my cat!
Wow things are over my head right now. And when mom comes home in 30 min. i will have to pretend like everything is normal. Just think! Soon I may not have to pretend any more! I can just be what ever it is I feel at the time!
Lol this lady said she may even have T go with us!!! @_@ because T's so good at looking intimadating that the ppl will just sign the ruddy forms =)
i need a nap!
And yes - i will see if i can take care of or ransom the aardvark next week! I hope i remember. =)
I even called MD right away and gave another update about this because she is the fire behind all this.
Ok ... really going now.... As MD would say "Don't go into your nervous-mode!"
Kiya
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  #5  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 03:17 PM
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MissCharlotte MissCharlotte is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
But i can still live alone, and keep my car, and have my cat!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
OMG Kiya, this such wonderful news! hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i will have to pretend like everything is normal

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Kiya, I have an idea. Maybe this IS the new normal...maybe you are allowed to feel good!

hang on to your hat, miss kiya

Hugs

hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya
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  #6  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 04:27 PM
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Kiya, I am just so happy that someone is taking real steps to help you rescue yourself from your current situation. You hang in there!
  #7  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 04:56 PM
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KIYA!!! I am SOOOO happy for you! You deserve this! Love ya'
  #8  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 10:09 PM
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I'm squealing on your behalf!
  #9  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 10:10 PM
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Kiya, that is such wonderful news!

hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya

Won't it be great to not have to pretend anymore?
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  #10  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 10:53 PM
LAS112 LAS112 is offline
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That is so exciting!
  #11  
Old Jul 18, 2008, 11:24 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((( kiya )))))))))))))))))))))))

wow, wow, wow, wow! It's so awesome to see that you're being well taken care of - I think I love your MD and T hang on to your hat, miss kiya

This is really exciting. You absolutely deserve it.

hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya
  #12  
Old Jul 19, 2008, 12:29 AM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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Thanks all!!!!
(((((( Miss )))))) (((((( Foreverlost)))))) (((((( Soli))))))
(((((( Skeksi)))))) (((((( Sunrise)))))) (((((( LAS112))))))
(((((( Earthmama))))))

I have gone through a ton of feelings today - shock, gratitude, grief, empathy, relief, fear... had to take a nap to just let my body take it all in. Then this evening went to the mall ALONE (mom would have come with me if she could have) and i experienced a new freedom... like a person on the brink of life. i want so much for this to be REAL!

I had been given a gift of clothes that didn't fit so exhcanged them today and actually took the time to try them on - which I almost never do because of fear and triggers. I can't even put into words this new, different sense of being. ANd like all new, tenious things, it may not be here tomorrow - but I have to learn that that doesn't make it *not Real*.
I was smiling at everyone and just had an aura of.... KIYA around me.... i guess. =) I was even talking with the store staff - something i never do. Pretty cool what a sense of liberation can do to a person. I really HOPE this lasts. and is REAL.
Kiya
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  #13  
Old Jul 19, 2008, 02:42 PM
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
this evening went to the mall ALONE (mom would have come with me if she could have) and i experienced a new freedom... like a person on the brink of life

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You are on the brink of life! This is such a positive and inspiring thing to read. I am so excited for you. You will be able to do so much once you are in the new environment. hang on to your hat, miss kiya

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I was smiling at everyone and just had an aura of.... KIYA around me.... i guess. =) I was even talking with the store staff - something i never do. Pretty cool what a sense of liberation can do to a person. I really HOPE this lasts. and is REAL.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I just smile to read this. Kiya, even if it isn't there tomorrow, you have experienced it once--have confidence that it will come back, maybe the day after tomorrow! It is real!

P.S., I am so glad you get to keep your kitty.
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  #14  
Old Jul 19, 2008, 09:05 PM
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bipolar_bear bipolar_bear is offline
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How awesome Kiya! Wow! I am so excited for you. I am happy you have found some wonderful people to help you through filling all the forms out and getting ready to go. Yay!

BB
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  #15  
Old Jul 20, 2008, 01:21 AM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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Thanks B Bear and Sunrise =)
Yeah, Sunrise, i did start panicking today - but reading thse reminded me that i can be in that space again and that felt better. I know things will really open up once i can be free of these shackles!!

BBear - it IS really awesome. I'd never figure out this system on my own. And it sounds like I'm gonna have a case worker... so many new things to understand. The lil's are going to need help. We tried some packing today and owlet especially freaked. She's the one who always got hurt in the moves (and SA after the moves for some reason) so there is much she thinks she needs to fear. Her stuff can't be packed until last.
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  #16  
Old Jul 20, 2008, 02:19 AM
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Simcha Simcha is offline
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<font color="purple"> hang on to your hat, miss kiyaHi Kiya,

I like that your T is such a problem solver! Her sole interest seems to be in making sure that you have your supports in place, both for when she is temporarily out of the country and when she returns and beyond...

You know Kiya, if I thought I would feel better and was drawn to the stuffed ardvark thing hidden by my T's couch as something to make me feel better when my T was absent, I'd say "T, that ardvark thing is SOOOO cool. Can I hang onto it for you for while you are gone?"

My T would probably be enthusiastic about that (it is my style to be direct about expressing anything that creates that spark within me) and see it as therapeutic. After all, my T DOES have Tinkertoys in his office... hang on to your hat, miss kiya When you get the stuffed ardvark, take a picture of it and put it up here... that would be hilarious! It could be your new avatar!!! What T wouldn't go for that one? </font>
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  #17  
Old Jul 20, 2008, 03:59 AM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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Heh yeah that would be cool!!!! I will see what I can do!

Aardvark or bust! =)
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  #18  
Old Jul 20, 2008, 04:25 PM
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ECHOES ECHOES is offline
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(((( Kiya ))))

I get this image of Kiya and a group of caring, protective, encouraging, validating, awesome people around you like a safety shield!

I'm so happy things are going so well. Sometimes the anticipation and waiting is so hard! Now it's really happening. hang on to your hat, miss kiya

Group hang on to your hat, miss kiya from us to you!! hang on to your hat, miss kiya

and one from me hang on to your hat, miss kiya
  #19  
Old Jul 20, 2008, 04:30 PM
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(((((((((((( Kiya )))))))))))))
hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya
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  #20  
Old Jul 20, 2008, 08:02 PM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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Mmmmm Echoes, I like that image =) makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Yes - the waiting can drive a person crazy! It feels like this month has lasted 3 - I can't even believe it has only been 17 days since i saw my MD and told her all this that started this moss-strewn boulder rolling!!!

((((Echoes)))))
(((((Fuzzy))))))
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  #21  
Old Jul 21, 2008, 09:57 AM
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Simcha Simcha is offline
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
Heh yeah that would be cool!!!! I will see what I can do!

Aardvark or bust! =)

GO ARDVARK!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya hang on to your hat, miss kiya
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  #22  
Old Jul 21, 2008, 06:00 PM
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hang on to your hat, miss kiya
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  #23  
Old Jul 21, 2008, 06:44 PM
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Oh my gosh, with everything going, i totally forgot about the aardvark!!! I am on pins and needles wondering if I will have an appointment this friday with a case worker and do all the paperwork - thinking about apartments, thinking about how to tell mom, packing, moving... check ins weekly. SO much!!!! I'm gonna have to write aardvark on my hand!!! =)
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  #24  
Old Jul 21, 2008, 08:08 PM
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Darn!!! No ardvark make Simcha sad@!!!
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  #25  
Old Jul 21, 2008, 08:12 PM
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Kiya Kiya is offline
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Oh no worries... I won't see t till wed. =) I'll write it on my hand! I'll have to - we will have much to talk about in there with my life close to upheaval!
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