[Mouse_]

I was all prepared yesterday to go to my session and tell T how I feel about her in a positive way...but the depression I've been experiencing for weeks now came down upon me again....I've had depression before but never has it gone on and on and on....I si this week something I haven't done ina long while...so I got to T and told her that on the way there today I knew I wanted to walk in and tell her that I hate her...she said "yes?"....then silence then I told her that I slipped this week but didn't want to talk about it then I told her that I could care less if I died or live and I just feel as If I'm finishing up...more silence then T tried to acknowledge how alone these feelings make me feel and I told her that I know she's trying to help me but to be honest shes not working anymore..going to T use to bring me relief but no more...so T said like your other addictions? your not finding any relief from the pain? she asked about my AD's and whether perhaps I could talk to my doctor about changing them and some other stuff she said..but then she did what I think I was needing...instead of "supporting" my desire to escape the pain she finally said, "you know perhaps your not supposed to escape these feelings, perhaps coming here isnt about finding relief ? perhaps these feelings are useful and we are here to work through them and move forward?..with that I leant forward, stopping scratching and pinching my skin and thought and thought...then I said, I dont know why I keep getting a flash back off being in my cot and being excited coz I can hear my adotive mother coming but whenever she actually came into view I would feel unsatisfied and the disappointment at not getting relief for that dissatisfaction is killing,then I said, I know what this depression is...its anger and rage! and then I started to go stiff and pulled my beloved key ring apart (sob, sob) and then I said its your fault, you should take this anger away and you dont and ggrrr I can't bear to feel this feelings in my body I feel I want to vomit them up...T said "you feel the anger is destructive? and I think your anger doesnt need to be taken away it needs to be seen and I think the problem is your adoptive mother would not accept yoru anger and ignored it...I knew we'd hit the jackpot within 2secs of finishing that talk..on the way home I felt my mood change..I realised that if T had continued to try and solve my pain I would have just continued going around in circles with it...I am glad she finally took the bull by the horns and basically said "you feel %#@&#! and so?" not that she did say in those terms but what she said stopped me in my self defeating behvoiur...sometimes we think we want tea and sympathy but to much of that can be unproductive...I think it takes a brave person to sit with someone and allow their anger....and not to take away or try and soothe it over but to really take it apart and look at it!....

[darkrunner]

Mouse,
Sounds like a powerful session - thank you for sharing this.
I hope it helps you feel a little relief from your depression.


ktgirl

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Sounds like a great experience. You must have a really great relationship with your T-way to go!

[Sannah]

Wow!

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Mouse))))))))))))

Wow, intense session!

I was really caught by your title. "Anger isn't a negative" ... I forget that a lot, because I was brought up with repressed emotions, anger being a big one! Need to accept and live with who you are in the moment, just be? Something like that.

Good for you!

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think it takes a brave person to sit with someone and allow their anger....and not to take away or try and soothe it over but to really take it apart and look at it!....


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I agree very much with you on this. Sometimes when something finally surfaces and particularly when T says "I was wondering about that" because she knew all along, but was patient enough and wise enough to wait and let it surface at a time I could be receptive to it and see it too, I am in awe of how they do that. It reminds me of helping your child with homework, patiently moving the child toward the answer, encouraging, maybe making some comments to get the child to think... being supportive but not just giving the answer because giving the answer would take away the joy of accomplishment and the increased self-esteem that give the learning the power of permanent impact.

I think anger is so hard to deal with, to sit with and allow, to talk about. Very hard. I had leftover anger from last week and in the moment anger this week to deal with in session. It's amazing to me to find there is so much to talk about when it comes to anger. When there is someplace for it--that T talks about it and accepts that bit of me--is relieving to me. Since I think I will lose the person because of my anger, and then I don't, I am very relieved.

Isn't it fascinating when the session ends up going someplace we don't expect, takes us by suprise and leaves us with new or renewed pleasant awarenesses.
I'm glad your session was very fulfilling and relieving too, Mouse!

[complic8d]

Wow, what a great session. I'm jealous because I left my t very angry today. Maybe next weeks session will get somewhere like yours.
Keep up the positive!