on my side

Friday was such a heart-breaking session. You could probably count the number of tears i have ever shed in therapy... probably on your fingers, easily with the exception of one other session. But Friday i couldn't seem to stop them.. a big rolly plop tear would form to replace each one that i tried to wipe away. The whole session was that way.. sniffling and quietly crying. i am so sick of the chaos in my life.

when i sought out therapy a year and a half ago it was because i was in intense crisis and new i would not survive if i did not get help. My life was like some kind of psychological horror movie. The situation i am in right now has been forcing me mentaly back into that place. It's been indescribable. i am not sure just how to climb out of it this time, but i am getting stronger day by day. It was a series of blows over a short time, but i have grown in the time i have been in therapy.. i did not die in the original blaze, i'll be damned if it will consume me this time.

My T was a great source of painful confusion lately... some of it due to the process itself. Painful revelations and interpretations. Some of it has been my difficulty in grasping concepts and some of it has been how T has worded things, his body language, etc.

Friday he was gentle, kept his tone so soft. He reassured me about his call the day before (i felt his tone was off and couldn't shake feeling that he was annoyed with me), he reassured me about a lot of things, some of them things that i know he normally wouldn't. We have come to the understanding that i need to be building stronger trust and to reassure me about those things isn't helpful long term... so i know that to reassure me on those meant that he could see just how fragile i was. We talked about the current situation and how it differs from before, how i differ from before, how therapy has helped me.

i told him it was so very important that i feel he was on my side. That is my cliche phrase for feeling bonded, secure, like we're a team. Theraputic alliance they call it, right? In schema therapy they emphasize that relationship over anything else. Sometimes he asks if "we" are ok.. and i just become a puddle on the floor... it breaks my heart. i told him how important therapy was to me right now.

it was so obvious that i was speaking from my heart... so obvious that i was raw and bleeding inside... i don't often look him in the eye, but friday i was barely able to raise my eyes to even look at his shoes. i felt so low and so inferior to everyone.. like i didn't deserve to be breathing.. yet at the same time not understanding just why i had to suffer so much and for so long.

on my way out, as he reached for the door i asked if he was sure he was one my side, at first he made a small joke and said, "no, I'm an agent for xH.." and i couldn't help but smile and a small giggle came out (damn him for using my inability to escape a laugh). But then he said, "I'm on your side." Then he stopped and leaned slightly, tilted his head down to look slightly upward, so that he could catch my eye... and when i dared to meet his gaze he said, "I'm on your side. ok?"

He said it so gently... it conveyed so much to me. If this isn't healing, i don't know what could be.

Candika,
I don't know what to say, but that your post touched me.
I hope you continue to experience this healing that you so deserve...
kt

(((((((((((((((((((( candika )))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so glad T was there for you, and made you feel cared for. That sounds like a very powerful, very vulnerable, very healing session.

Sending many

I'm glad you were able to share so much with your T and that he was able to be so compassionate in the way you needed. That connection sounds very healing for you.