[StingInTheTail]

I don't know how to break out of it. This inability I have to be human even, around my husband. From whom I'm separated. I had my first therapy session last week and felt a slight softening of myself, a little tiny lowering of my defenses, memories came back to me, things I wanted to share. But I just spent 4 hours in his company and could barely speak. The tough part of me was tough and the rest, all icky with pain and fear, shut up behind a big wall where no hatchet could get through.

Sometimes I hate myself so much.

If you can say that you felt a slight softening of yourself in the first session, then that is already progress! The awareness of your desire to share things with your new T is very significant. If you don't feel like you can talk right away, then maybe speak with him about why it is so hard for you. It is a slow process. I have been with my T for almost three years, and we still have to spend a lot of time discussing why certain things are so difficult to talk about, rather than actually talking about those things. Good luck to you in your new therapy relationship.

[kessa19]

'I'm made of stone, I'm behind a wall'
I've been there and it's really lonely and frightening (and deceptively safe).
I'm glad you're in T. Trust the process and try to trust yourself. And when you don't have faith in yourself let the T's faith carry you through until you have enough of your own. For me I had to first realize I was human, now I have to work on tearing down that wall one brick at a time. It's not easy but I'm thinking it's worth it.

[romanjames2004]

That is fantastic that you are able to submit yourself into therapy. when it comes to your husband. If you feel you can, talk to him about how you feel and ask him how he feels. if he is still a stressor, simply do something relaxing before and after having contact with him. See if that starts to ease your anxiety about him. Let me know what happens. Have a great day!

Roman

[StingInTheTail]

Thanks to all three of you! That was a bit of a wobbly I threw. Feeling a little better now.

[ECHOES]

That 'softening' sounds a lot like the feeling of safety in therapy.

Wishing you many more sessions of feeling softening

[skeksi]

You're definitely not alone in feeling like a stone. I find that the feeling waxes and wanes in T. It's often a good indicator of how safe and connected I am feeling.

Give the process time. It sounds like you are committed and the benefits will make this hard time worthwhile.