[cafegrrrl]

I was blind-sided at the shrink's office. It was only my second visit. At the end of the 1st session, she said we'd finish up my family med history for the intake at the next session. I guess we finished it at the end of the 1st session after all, because she just wanted to dive into the reasons why my doc referred me and etc.

I'm NOT one to talk about stuff with anyone and it took me a LONG time to be able to tell my doc why i thought my meds weren't working. I had to write a list of reasons and give it to the doc to read so i wouldn't chicken out of telling him.

I couldn't talk to the shrink except to answer her questions. She asked if i find it easier to write than talk and because it is easier for me to write, she suggested my writing down what i want to achieve and etc by seeing her . She also said if i want to, i can bring some of my artwork to show her.

I told her that aside from my photography, I don't have any art work other than a ton of half started collage projects. And really. why would i show her? It's not as if she'd be all that interested if she weren't being paid to at least act interested...

I decided that i'd start an art journal to write/show her whatever but now i can't even bring myself to do that. I can't bring myself to even write whatever it is i need to.

I can't focus and have that whole why bother attitude. It's stupid and annoying and I can't get around it.
I can't just tell someone i don't know all this stuff. And, i'm afraid that if i do, I'll be locked up...either jail or mental place.

I just don't know what to do...or maybe i just don't know how to do it..i don't know.

I do know I that as the days go on, the more miserable and down i become. I don't know how to make it stop. I'm tired of being down and getting even lower and i'm especially tired of acting like my so called normal self. I'm tired of pretending everything's OK and I'm OK. I don't think i can keep up the act much longer. And what happens when that happens?
I don't want my mother knowing how bad it is for me. I don't want or need her concern and worrying and etc.

I just want this to stop and don't know what to do. Or what i can do...

I don't even know why i bothered with this stupid post...but here it is

[MissCharlotte]

((cafegirl))

It takes a long time to establish trust in a therapeutic relationship. And it sounds like T is willing to engage you on many levels--whether it's in your writing or artwork. So, just take your time and don't feel pressured to say or show anything just yet. Wait until you feel comfortable with T and allow yourself to experience safety. Then you may find that it is a bit easier to open up and talk. It took me FOREVER to feel safe in T's office. I think like a year or more. Yeah, definitely more. So, don't give up.

[LAS112]

Hi Cafegrrl, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. Going to a new therapist is never easy.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
cafegrrrl said:
I'm NOT one to talk about stuff with anyone and it took me a LONG time to be able to tell my doc why i thought my meds weren't working. I had to write a list of reasons and give it to the doc to read so i wouldn't chicken out of telling him.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Even though it took a long time, the point is that you were still able to do it. That right there is a big step. Writing the list is a great idea, it's not a matter of "chickening out," it's just a safety net so you can get the help you need. I do the list thing too, and it's really helpful and keeps me from putting on the "everything's ok" act.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
cafegrrrl said:
I couldn't talk to the shrink except to answer her questions. She asked if i find it easier to write than talk and because it is easier for me to write, she suggested my writing down what i want to achieve and etc by seeing her ...I decided that i'd start an art journal to write/show her whatever but now i can't even bring myself to do that. I can't bring myself to even write whatever it is i need to.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Maybe you can just start a personal journal, and not really focus on the specific question of what you want from seeing her, but just write about whatever you want. You can control what to show her and what not to show her.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
cafegrrrl said: I can't focus and have that whole why bother attitude. It's stupid and annoying and I can't get around it.
I can't just tell someone i don't know all this stuff. And, i'm afraid that if i do, I'll be locked up...either jail or mental place...I do know I that as the days go on, the more miserable and down i become. I don't know how to make it stop. I'm tired of being down and getting even lower and i'm especially tired of acting like my so called normal self. I'm tired of pretending everything's OK and I'm OK. I don't think i can keep up the act much longer. And what happens when that happens?
I don't want my mother knowing how bad it is for me. I don't want or need her concern and worrying and etc.

I just want this to stop and don't know what to do. Or what i can do...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> What if you just print that off and hand it to her?

I've been in a similar situation and talking definately not an easy thing to do. On the bright side, once you start talking it does get a little easier. Sometimes it takes longer to feel completely comfortable, but you'll get there. When I started seeing my current therapist, I told him it's easier if he asks questions than if I just talk about what's bothering me, so he started asking tons of questions and it got easier for me to talk. It's still uncomfortable, but managable. I know everyone's situation is different, but I hope you'll find something in here that is helpful. I hope things get better.

[emilyjeanne]

Hi Cafegirl,

I started with my current Pdoc about 14 months ago. I am doing meds and therapy with her. It took me about a year before I fully trusted her. So don't pressure yourself to be open the 2nd, 3rd or 20th visit. They are professionals and realize that it may take awhile before the "real" stuff comes out.

Also, don't be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings with her. You will not be locked up. Only if you are suicidal or homicidal will you be admitted to the hospital.

Hope this helps. Let us know how things are going.