[cafegrrrl]

I saw my shrink for the 3rd visit today. Turns out my shrink isn't a shrink (just a counselor) and it's my 2nd visit...intakes don't count, turns out...

But WTF did i do? Not only did I actually make a list of crap that's been going on and bothering me, but, I also showed her the collage I'm currently working on for my art journal cover. AND to make it worse, I showed her my Sanity Score from here. Worse yet, I let her keep a copy. She asked if she could have the list in my notebook but there was no way she was getting that, because not only was it still attached to the sketchbook, but she doesn't need my handwriting and personality or whatever showing through my words, writing, and etc. And, she doesn't need physical documentation handed to her...

But, now, she's going to refer me to a shrink. My BF's shrink. She didn't know my bf had a shrink or whatever, but she now does and who the shrink is. And, if she talks to the shrink about me and my activities, it won't be hard to piece together who the bf is. I probably won't even meet the guy for another 3-4 weeks she said. Along with a caseworker. I gave her permission for all of it when she asked.

And, she said that she thinks the hospital's done all it can for me and she has little faith in them...or somethign like that. And she expressed concern over some things that I guess I should've been concerned about too, but didn't even realize until she pointed it out, stuff on the Sanity Score.

She also tripped me up.
And, it didn't even hit me until a few hours after i left. She asked me a question which I answered. And probably shouldn't have answered and/or shouldn't have answered the way i did. I can't remember what it was now...it hit me a little bit ago...

And she knows when i'm lying and called me on it.

She mentioned getting a psych eval I guess when i see the shrink. I'm not worried about that really. I'm worried about what will happen after i take it and the results are in. What happens when the results are in (if I'm honest when i take it) and they go over my file, and combine the test results with what i've said in the past and the doc or whoever said and etc?

I guess the good thing is that i now have a ton of nervous energy to use up..I can clean a bit before i drop of exhaustion,I suppose.

She did say I've been taking the meds long enough to see they aren't even touching my problem and that it's obviously time to try something else, that I may need some kind of cocktail to find something that works for me. Of course, I have to wait 2 (or more) weeks to see my doc again and longer to meet with this shrink....

I can't believe I let my guard down like that. And i'm TERRIFIED now.

I apologize for the length, I'm just so scared and am freaking out a bit at the moment....

[Kiya]

Keep breathing. i think it is good to be honest with her - that's how the work gets done. see if you can keep it up =)
kiya

[SpottedOwl]

(((cafegrrrl)))

Congrats on taking a risk and letting your guard down!!

It can feel really uncomfortable when we're used to walking around with our walls up.

Hang in there, and be kind to yourself -- you deserve it!

[cafegrrrl]

I don't know.....i'm still super freaked out

Now, aside from my other crap, I'm speedy and have energy and don't know what to do with myself....i can't sit still but i can't keep sitting here and thinking in circles and whatever...

Just remember you are where you are emotionally & psychologically & there is NOTHING WRONG OR BAD about that. It is just a fact. It is like my blood sugar is running too high so the doc is getting more aggressive right now. You have NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. You are just someone who needs some medical help right now & you are getting it & sometimes it is scary (I'm scared) & sometimes it hurts, but you are also fully capable in deciding if the doc is helping you or not. You need to see someone that you are comfortable with--that you can say "I'm not sure if what I just said is true." I've done that many times. So many things go on in my head; I'm not sure if they actually happened sometimes or not. Or if I'm exaggerating to get attention or trying to manipulate.

If the doc or therapist is not a good "fit" for you or doesn't seem to be helpful, express your concerns & ideas about what YOU think would be helpful. You know youself & your condition the best. Sometimes "lying" is just being confused. Psych meds, anxiety, fear--so many things can make me confused.

I remember one pdoc giving me one of those diagnositic tests that you fill out & after scoring it he said he had never had anyone come out with a score like mine!! So either he was saying he had never met anyone as crazy as I was or I was lying. I didn't return. I was nervous & got confused when taking the test so I got to the point where I didn't know what I thought anymore.

Don't apologize for being who you are & where you are in your development. It is just a fact & the future holds great promise for you.--Suzy

[cafegrrrl]

actually...
i think this woman may be ok....i wasn't too sure before my appt today...i'm just so scared

i don't tell people stuff...ever...and i never let people do stuff for me............i don't like not knowing what's going to happen or can happen

And i don't know if i can wait to see my doc or the shrink or whoever while the meds aren't working or whatever

it's just soooo tiring, the duality and knowing logically it's there, it's just that the meds aren't working, blah blah blah .

The BS that shouldn't be there or whatever is still there cause the meds aren't working or whatever...and it really does feel like i'm on the edge of sanity vs. insanity or whatever...i keep telling myself i'm fine cause i know the cause......it's just soo hard knowing it's not right, why it's not right and it STILL feels like it's not right and is STILL not right or whatever

if that makes sense that is
i don't know anymore

[chaotic13]

cafegrrrl,

Your post was the first one I read this morning and I felt my own fear level raise. I can certainly see where having someone connect and get all of this information out of you is scary and leave you feeling vulnerable. But there was a little voice deep inside of me that though how great for you that you found someone who had the right approach to reach these core issues in you. I really hope this counselor continues to disarm you and gets you the help you need.

cafegrrrl what is running through my head at this point is the quote from Solaree's T.... Be still there is nothing you need to do at this moment.