I had a session last Saturday and my next session is this Sunday--

and I have not contacted T by email, or by phone, in this entire time.



The funniest part about this is that on Wednesday, I discovered my cell phone service had been shut off because I forgot to pay the bill. I was feeling a bit crazed on Wednesday so I did attempt to call T on his cell phone, but then just hung up. Then I decided I was in no rush to restore my cell phone service, lol. It's funny cause it's almost like removing a means of contact.

Of course it goes much deeper than that... I could have emailed him or called from a different phone, and asked him to call back on H's phone or something... but starting on Wednesday, he'll be away for a week, so maybe I'm preparing for that.

I kinda like having no cell phone service. It's like living in the Dark Ages, hahahaha... no one is bothering me cause they can't call!! Unfortunately, I will be restoring the service once I get home from work today cause I really do have to.

A bunch of things went wrong this week and I felt this strange sense of calm over me, as though I am going to lose it any moment, but for now, I am strangely calm. Part of this strange "calm," I think, has been my reluctance to contact T. I think it ties in with the cell phone being cut off-- as though I want to be totally isolated in this perceived "calm before a storm." I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. Ok. Back to work.

[Fuzzybear]

I think I know that "calm" you are talking about. Especially in conjunction with not contacting T. I wonder if you are sort of shutting down the emotional side of yourself in preparation for T's vacation? I've done that. It's easier to sort of shut down and close off than to feel that connection when they are about to be absent.

Is it the "right" thing to do? I don't know. Last time T went on vacation, I was doing the "shutting down" thing and decided to trust him and connect with him instead. It was very bittersweet - because I was feeling that connection, but he was not there. I felt happy and sad and loved and lonely all at the same time. I guess it was good practice for "gray" (as opposed to "black and white").

(((((((((((((((((((((((( pink )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I hope you have a good session.