I have therapy in about 90 minutes.

This is my last appointment before vacation, and we were planning on playing. I just want to feel connected and secure before I don't see him for 11 days (I usually go twice a week).

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Last night something happened to me that was VERY VERY upsetting and painful and completely the hugest trigger for some PTSD %#@&#!. Ugh. I spent the night jumping out of my skin, dealing with flashbacks, all that fun stuff. I really, really, REALLY didn't want to deal with this old trauma in T today. It's SO not a good topic when I'm about to be on break for 11 days. But on the other hand, how can I not talk about it? I'm so %#@&#! triggered right now.

Our "solution" is that I am going to go for a long appointment - 1 1/2 hours - so hopefully we can do the trauma stuff and have me put back together before our time is up. I'm seriously terrified. And upset.

Wish me luck. I'm really unhappy right now. This session will definitely put T to the test.

[SpottedOwl]

((((earthmama))))

Virtual headed your way.

I'm so glad you have T today after that trying night.

My sessions never seem to be what I expect, but they still bring healing. Sometimes I just give up trying, and just try to accept that what is, is what needs to be for me to make the next step forward.

Let us know how it goes!

[Mouse_]

((Earthmama))

[Kiya]

Aw hon, these things do see m to come up when t is leaving. I am really glad for you tho that it was the night before! At least you can still have t. Mine usually come up 3 days after t leaves.
Great that he can give you 1.5 hours!!!! Your t sounds awesome!! That leaves plenty of time for Uno.
Take care of you!!!

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((earthmama))))))))))) I'm sorry you were so triggered. I think the longer session is a great idea. My T and I do 2 hour sessions for the most part. It really helps so that if I fall apart or dissociate, we have time to process and ground before I leave. It's worked out well for us. I hope you will find it to be the same for you.

Take care and good luck at T.

I'm back.

T was so amazing. He sat with me on the couch and helped me get the words out. It took almost the whole session for me to be able to say what happened. I was so scared, kept getting lost in flashbacks, could hear his voice pulling me back into the room with him, telling me I was with him, I was safe, it wasn't happening now. He held my hand and took care of me and I survived.

And now someone knows my biggest secret. Something I've never told anyone, something that I've been alone with forever. I wanted to hide, disappear, but he wouldn't let me. He told me that what I was feeling is not what I AM. He said he wanted to share it with me, that he could handle it. I can't believe I told.

When I left, the world literally felt like a different place. It reminded me of when I had my first baby - when I was driving home from the hospital, I literally felt like I was in a different world than the one I was in when we drove to the hospital, because something so big had changed. That's how I felt driving home from T. SOMEONE ELSE KNOWS. But it's okay, because it's T.

My head is killing me. I'm still trying to get my brain around what happened today. All I know is I survived, and I think it's going to be okay.

[ECHOES]

(((( earthmama )))

I'm so glad you and T connected so solidly and that you feel so much better.

Someone else knowing and sharing that knowledge can be so grounding! The way you describe how it felt like a different world made me think of times when I have been in a fog a long time and suddenly feel grounded. It feels like I am seeing things for the first time.

That was really courageous to share something so important with T! Way to go!!

[darkrunner]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
All I know is I survived, and I think it's going to be okay.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree with Echoes...you do have a lot of courage. And you survived! Your strength is inspiring and you will be OK.

Thanks for sharing this with us....I'm so glad you survived.

((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))

[chaotic13]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
...what I was feeling is not what I AM.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is a nice reminder..isn't it.
I'm glad you had a nice healing session today.

[Kiya]

Oh that is good (((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))
You told YAY! and not only did the world NOT end, but it was better. Big stuff chica!!
Lots of

[skeksi]

I'm so proud that you could trust him enough to tell him. I think it does change our world, realizing that we do not have to be alone with what happened or how it has affected us. I hope that feeling of connection and support is something you can remember when things are hard.